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#339725 - 09/06/10 02:41 PM Before and After
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Before I was assaulted, I carried myself with an air of masculinity and strength. I didn't have too many friends, but the friends I had accepted me, even when I had to stop teaching because I was too ill. We lived in Baltimore.

My male friends came to see me in the hospital when I had a severe health crisis. The guys. Former colleagues, college friends, church friends.

I was assaulted in my bed. I shut down emotionally. I told my wife no visitors. I kept everyone around me in the dark about what happened to me. My wife came to my bed, and whispered into my ear... "I'm pregnant." I felt nothing!!! I was nothing!!!

My body stopped making the hormones that made me feel like a man. The spider-man beat my manhood out of me. I was a shell of a man, hollow inside and disfigured on the outside.

After the assault came silence. More darkness and loneliness... My wife accepted a wonderful job offer in New York City, they wanted us to relocate. It was too good to refuse. I woke up in my bed, and she was showing me pictures of a 1950's era split level ranch in New Jersey. "Our offer got accepted! We'll be moved in by Christmas." I never saw our old apartment in Baltimore again. My wife bought a house, and I never even saw it until I was being moved in. I know it was the perfect time to be a 1st time home buyer. I know the interest rate was great, and I know it's in a great neighborhood for raising a family. The new job means more money, and we need the money. I get it. But still, I am bitter about the move. I was uprooted from my friends, from my home, beaten, abused, sexually violated.

We travel to Baltimore on Thursday to deal with some medical stuff and see some of our old friends from our time down there. I am going to go to the hospital where I was assaulted, and I don't know how I am going to handle it. I can't wait for these old friends of mine to meet little Pete, my son, but I'm so frightened that they'll some how know what happened to me. I honestly don't know how I'll ever relate to other guys again... the Peter in the "before" picture is never coming back.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#339726 - 09/06/10 02:49 PM Re: Before and After [Re: CruxFidelis]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Peter,

Thank you for sharing this deeply felt emotion and pain. Know that you have our support and understanding. In a spiritual sense we'll be there with you if you want when you go back into the hospital. You are ever bit as much and in ways maybe even more a man now than before. You survived. You're growing. You are reaching out.

Peter I know each situation is different I can only speak to mine. But when my wife and I went back to the home of my rape it was very frightning but once there it was incredibly healing. I hope you find the same for yourself. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#339729 - 09/06/10 03:22 PM Re: Before and After [Re: earlybird]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Hi Peter,

First, I'm sending good wishes for your trip back to the place of your assault. This is a big thing for survivors, being back at the place of the violation. For me, the house of the first abuse is gone now, having burned when I was a teenager. But the house of the second creep still stands and is here in my hometown, so I drive by it occasionally and look at it. It doesn't hold the power over me that it once did when I wouldn't even drive by it. You survived the assault, and I think you can do this, too. If you get there and decide it's not the right time, then that's o.k., too. All things in their right time. Best wishes to you, Peter, as you head into this.

_________________________
Eddie

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#339738 - 09/06/10 05:01 PM Re: Before and After [Re: EGL]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Pete,

This did take guts to share with the rest of us. I do want to offer my support and encouragement to you. I never made it back to the spot where I was kidnapped but did drive by it. But that is when I was hoping that I would get killed by some criminal in the area. After moving back to Oklahoma I did visit that city on business several times. This was years after moving away from there. The first time I was really tense as the flight landed at the airport. I honestly did not know if I could get off the plane. I was kind of shaky for the whole week. Each time I went back for business it got some better. But I never went back to my old apartment or the site of the kidnapping. I now wish that I had.

I have often thought of driving there one day and facing those old haunts. I had even thought of retracing as best I could the trail of that night. I think I could do it now. And maybe some missing pieces would fall into place that have eluded me so far.

I am sure you have fears and hesitations in this. Please don't put too much pressure on yourself. There is no right way or wrong way to handle this. And like EGL stated - you can choose if this is the correct time or how far you wish to take it.

Another thing you brought up is the division of your life. As adult men we had fairly cemented who we were in many areas of our lives. I was twenty-nine so I think I was fairly self aware. But after that night it was like I started a second life and had to rebuild much of me. But there were the images and voices from that night that were in the mix and distorted this new me.

I know it is hard to believe but we are each still as much of a man as any other man we know or meet. I know how easy it is to dismiss this. I do all the time. But I am fighting to believe it more and more. Other men still intimidate me and I struggle with feeling less than them.

You have had my respect since meeting you a while back in the chat room. Whatever we can do to help you in this please ask.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#339741 - 09/06/10 05:44 PM Re: Before and After [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Wow, you guys are all so brave to go back to the places where you were abused. Even to go to the same town has to take a lot of courage because I know for me, there is this innate drive to run away from anything that even reminds me of Baltimore. I can't even watch an Orioles or a Ravens game on TV.

I don't have to go back to the exact place I was assaulted. The dr's office is not in the same exact building of the hospital but it is close enough. I kind of want to see our old apartment building and the college my wife & I attended together. I sort of want to go to the school where I used to teach and say hi to some of the other faculty, but I know I'm not the same person. I don't even recognize the man I see in the mirror every day.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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