Hello dear friends and foes,

both of which I want and need in my life. Each of whom shines a light on parts of me that the other will avoid. I guess that is why I’m here. The other night I flipped the switch to MS and cut and ran. I was hurt, scared, embarrassed, angry, and, and, and….. So I ran. I was running, eyes focused on nothing except the finish line. Not a bad thing if there was a finish line to be truly focused on. But in this case it was a mirage of promise never intended to be given or arrived at. But at that moment I wasn’t able to see the false crossing. All I knew was I was alone, (just the way I wanted it) and running fucking hard. Then shit, next thing I knew there were a couple of you catching up with me, via a different trail and accompanying me on my run to nowhere. Not trying to stop my escape, or tripping me, only letting me know I was not alone and that as soon as I was ready I could stop and talk and they would listen. So I kept running but not as fast and not as alone. I guess I’m stopped and looking at where I am and why I ran. I don’t have the answer for I’m so damned blind to this fear of silence I have. I see the movements around me and I’m convinced there should be noise. So I interpret this perceived void in the way that my rapists want me to – that I’m insignificant and no one will come to my rescue. And at that moment in time they were right. For they saw me as useless and no one knew to come to my aid. So now I’m left to translate that in current events in my life. I hate them (the two who raped me) for introducing this self unimportance, I wrestle with. I don’t want to hate anyone and before I showed it to others I choose do what I did that night. Run! Hide in my bushes. Then I look around to see if anyone notices or cares. Interestingly enough, when someone does speak to me letting me know they understand and care I hear other voices, their voices, saying different things so I shut down. During this time I know I should hear what friends and foes alike are telling me and and try to understand their words but I’m only able to see lips moving with no sounds reaching my ears.

I’m lost and don’t know what to do. So I’m going to be quiet (to some’s relief) and listen. I’m here - not running – I guess I’m just trying to learn how to read lips.

I thought you just stepped out to water your garden. In our lives we are all in different kinds of orbits, some more eccentric and elliptical than others. :-)

-efm

I am just in awe...the subjest matter so serious & sincere. Your ability to transfer your emotions to words, captivates me sending me back to a time of feeling, innocence & fear...somewhat naive, sensative & impressionable. I can't relate to your rape experience, but do treasure your writings as an avenue back....to yes a painful time, but yet still capeable of feeling. I live in an emotional void. Today my world is gray & burnt out.....void of childlike perceptions. Machine like just going through the motions....hoping to get it all done, that which is expected of me. Your writing focus on your feelings,they are recognizable, therefore significant. I may be way off topic, but I just want you to know I appreciate you sharing yourself in all truth, and the value it brings to my life......thanks.

I am glad you are back as well and also appreciate your honesty in your post.

Everything comes down to our perception. But to me I do not think I have any foes here. I believe there are ones who like my company and those who are not drawn to me. That is just like in the 3D world. There are so many here that there would have to be levels of relationships from very tight to non-exixtent. But I do not believe I have a foe here. At the most just differing opinions. Not that everyone would like me but

Just my first thoughts. You know I would never argue with you.


Daryl

Thanks Mark I knew I was eccentric but did you have to go and point it out. ;-)

Itrahan, wow you blew me away. That was one of the most meaningful things for me to read right at this particular point in my recovery or slipping which ever I’m in. Thank you so dang much!

And Daryl

Actually, l do have foes here at MS as well as in life. I think a thread on:

“foes – the good – the bad – and the ugly”

might make for a great conversation. There are some here who have posted me letting me know I’m unwelcomed and not far enough along on my recovery to be worth working with. I consider that a foe. I also know that some because of my lack of faith view me as a dangerous foe. (Which I’m not but they don’t know that, yet) What I’m coming to believe is that I can learn from people who see me as less valuable or beyond redemption. They will point out parts of me that do need addressing that a friend might excuse or deemphasize its importance. This is why I can’t deny some who wish to be my foe or ignore what they say either in public forums or in private PM’s. I need to learn what parts of me are causing or perceived causing injury to others. Then work at correcting what “I” believe needs correcting.

I also want to believe there are those here who do care about me even if we don’t agree. Who value my participation even if they just shake their heads and are saying WTF. They accept me as one of them, foibles and all.

Well, they are missing out on a great guy. Foibles and all.