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#339503 - 09/02/10 08:23 PM Re: Fear [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I was abused as a teen but I still can relate to your fears and those of earlybird

  • Fear of rejection by my peers-Check
  • Fear of being found out (as a fraud and inauthentic).-Check
  • Fear of failing *BIG CHECK*
  • Fear of trying in case I fail- Check
  • Fear that what happened to me somehow predetermines what's possible in my life. - Check
  • Fear of never getting any better than I am now.-Check


It affects my personal life (I isolate)
It affects my work life (I have been in the same job I've had since I was 16 (now 32) because I was afraid I'd fail)

Its not easy but somehow we have to get past this

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#339548 - 09/03/10 04:51 PM Re: Fear [Re: onlyakid]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Jason,

I agree that it is not easy to deal with fears in our lives. What I want to kick myself for so much is I do not learn my lessons. I am guilty of putting things off and not wishing to face them. I look at them with such dread and fear of failure or rejection. Time and again I have seen that I was wrong but will fall into the same pattern the next time.

My biggests fear career wise is that I am never good enough no matter how my department is ranked or does on reviews. I feel like I am missing something most days. The second biggest fear with my job is that I will just allow things to fall into such a mess that I cannot repair it. I have done this to an extent but no one outside knew it and I have been barely able to make the repairs in time.

I liked how you ended it your comments. It is not easy but we do have to keep working to get past these fears. I get so tired of the same cycle...maybe I am missing something.



Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#339549 - 09/03/10 05:39 PM Re: Fear [Re: prisonerID]
calv Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/10
Posts: 45
Loc: seattle
my greatest fear...that someone would find out.
form 24 to 27 i was in a religious "christian"cult.
very pentacostal and spiritual...a very close knit community of about 20 yrs.
i was new in town having just left my lifes dream behind on the family farm.
as a csa survivor i was hurtin real bad
this church seemed to be "God's plan for my life..."
and they assured me it was.
I thought the love i saw was real...
It seemed like God was really doing things in there lives...
people where having these close relationships w God!
I wanted what they had!
It was wonderful...
I bought into it all... The worship and teaching...blew my mind and the kindness and love people showed each other.
This was a place of great healing from our past...
people where deliverd from struggles like drugs and alcohal
God was healing people all over
we prayed in tounges
there where prophceies
all we did was study by listening to all the teachers
in our own Bible Collage... and Church Church Church
The only people i met or knew where in this community
it was like a hospital for me at first...
i was a sponge i absorbed all i could
God was gonna use me to heal people....!!!
we where in a green house and God was gonna raise us up!!!
The world would oneday be at our door step ...
and we would Show them the Love of Jesus
There was going to be a great Revival !!!!
I was so excited to be a part of all that...
I loved and care about so many people
my family and my friends..so many hurst i never understood..
but now it all made sence
God had a plan For me!!!!
He was gonna use me in a big way.
I was a true beliver.
WE loved to worship...
music was vital
We would pray in groups everyday and worship for houres...
we only listen to our music
other christian music was tainted by the world
we where going to become the Bride of Christ
We where in love w Jesus
and his love was manifest through us in many many ways
soon we bagan to dance before the Lord in church...
it was all very spiritual...
and powerful
the more we danced the more in love we became...
we began to feel the heart of jesus for one another
He began to connect us spiritualy...
it was fan tastic...
Jesus pure Holy LOve manifest thru us...
he was taking us to a deeper place
I could write a fucking for part book about all this...
long story short it lead us right over the edge and it didnt end well...
Two of the elders had a 'special' love for me...
there was a lot of that special love going on...
i was right in the thick of it w all the really Spiritual women...
i was good lookin
cover boy for the brochere and student giuide book...
i got to rub elbows w the really big people
i was special....
Iwas Raped .. mentally . emotionally . spiritually. and sexually...

Do i have fear...
hell ya...
and now you know...






Edited by calv (09/03/10 05:48 PM)
_________________________
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” Barbara Bloom

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#339614 - 09/05/10 12:12 PM Re: Fear [Re: calv]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Calv....so sorry that you are so disillusioned, but understandably so considering all you have experienced. I also traveled the faith-healing concept....through two differnet religious factions. I did see similar things that affected me the same way. Trust will always be a huge issue with me. Good Luck on your journey and congradulations on reaching that courageous place to just write it all down.


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#339757 - 09/06/10 11:23 PM Re: Fear [Re: itrahan]
comet Offline


Registered: 08/28/10
Posts: 7
My fear is that I will still be thinking about my incident to my grave. That I'll never be the normal happy person I used to be. That every moment of happiness in my life will immediately be followed by the memory that I am not normal.


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#339768 - 09/07/10 08:04 AM Re: Fear [Re: comet]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Welcome Comet

We have not met so just wanted to introduce myself. I have worried and wondered if my being raped would be my last thoughts on the eventual day I would die. I never really put it as a fear till I read your post. I think what you said makes perfect sense. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in that fear. Also you are normal it is the abusers that carry the stigma of being not normal. Thanks for sharing. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#339789 - 09/07/10 02:29 PM Re: Fear [Re: earlybird]
comet Offline


Registered: 08/28/10
Posts: 7
Hi Earlybird,

Thank you. I apologize if I suddenly triggered that fear into your mind. I wish I hadn't, because it really is something terrible to live with.

I do not suffer from flashbacks or body memories or panic attacks. My incident was something that... was kind of different. I would be comfortable sharing it with you through pm, if you would be ok with it. It would explain just how bad my fear really is, and why that is by far, my biggest.

As for the abuser.... I do not mean to offend you in any way, however I must disagree. I think that my abuser feels absolutely no guilt and considers my incident just a night of fun for him. It disgusts me.


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#339799 - 09/07/10 05:33 PM Re: Fear [Re: comet]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi earlybird,

To me fear is one of things that the abuse "gives" us when robbing us of so many other things - our innocence, our purity, our ability to look at others without fear. In exchange for all the good things, abuse leaves us with that fear, shame, guilt, confusion, despair, self-loathing, etc.

For me, the way to offload that fear that I felt back then is it consciously remind myself when I am feeling triggered in similar situations that I am NOT back there any more. And that I can NOT be subjected to the same things that I was as a little boy. It keeps me grounded when triggering events occur. Hope this helps.

_________________________
Eddie

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#339800 - 09/07/10 05:48 PM Re: Fear [Re: EGL]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I guess the scary thing about ASA is how sudden & unexpected it often is. I wasn't "ambushed" like some guys seem to have been but I was in the hospital and unfortunately it's a place I find myself from time to time, and I know that being as helpless as I was isn't my situation now, it's not out of the realm of possibility that it could happen to me again.

When I am there, everyone who cares for me is a potential threat.

maybe that is a bit off topic and is hould make another thread about it but that is how I feel

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#339807 - 09/07/10 07:42 PM Re: Fear [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Crux,

I don't think your comments are off topic at all. This is a real fear for you and anyone would be able to see why. I did not realize that you still had to be in a hospital on any current basis.

I have thought about your assault and can see why there would be an extra level of betrayal towards you. I am hoping you have some coping things in place for when you are hospitalized.
For many years I was waiting for the next assault. I am still hyper vigilant but it has lessened a lot the past year. I hope that one day it will be so for you too.

You are braver than you know.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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