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#33942 - 04/08/05 12:21 AM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11053
Loc: Denver, CO
When I read about what your father did to you I let out a sound of shock. I am so sorry about this! How you were so debased. That is awful. And it makes me angry that a father would debase his son so!

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#33943 - 04/08/05 04:25 AM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
subdeacon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Florida
dear Splitting,

No, hell is not the place you will go for divorcing your mother! Don't worrry about anything on that score. People react to guilt differently. Some people when they feel guilty (like you mother, and it sounds like guilt she is feeling), quickly turn their guilt into self-justification and blaming others. Adam in the garden of eden said "that woman you gave me..she gave me the fruit to eat." And Eve said, "that snake there...he tricked me." It's an old trick you see! It doesn't work, in the end, though. Perhaps the best way to look at "divorcing" your mother would be as a means of honoring her...by that I mean, she won't be tempted to treat you badly, and so she won't be sinning in that way. It may also give her some room to really think about things and come to face her own role. Give her time as well. You took years to live with this and face it. She may need a little time to adjust to the idea. That's just my own guesses and input. Take them if they help, and by all means if they are off base, chuck them out and use what works here for you.

Philip

_________________________
"By way of trials and sufferings we must purify the divine image in us...for it is by reforging our senses in the furnace of our trials that we free them from defilement and assume our royal dignity. --Abba Philimon

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#33944 - 04/08/05 04:53 AM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
Thanks Deac!

Your words are powerful.


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#33945 - 04/14/05 07:00 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Wow can I relate to your telling your mother.
Quote:
You would hve thought she was reading the newspaper.... I offered her a couple of books to give her an idea of what I am going through. She kept them for four weeks. Upon my next visit wth her she returned them...unread. Once she found out what the subject was she did not have a need to read them.
I talked to my mom last week--not the first time I brought up the SA, but she pretends like none of it exists, and when I'm going through an especially hard time, I feel like she should at least care that I'm having a hard time, you know? I mean, if my leg was falling off, would she ask if my leg was OK? Well, I told her it had been an especially hard month, that I'd been in a lot of pain, and that I'd identified one of the things holding me back in life as the voice of my perp. Long pause. I said it makes me feel better to know that people care, people showing me their feelings and that they feel my pain. Long pause. I said, "No rush." Giggle and long pause. Then she said, "I have a dentist appointment on the 13th." I said, Oooookaaaay. And the conversation pretty much bombed from there. I called her back later and told her about this web site and the area dedicated to families. Silence.

Quote:
Will I burn in hell for divorcing my mother?
How many times have I asked myself a questions like that? I get so sick of having to be the "good son". I'd just love to tell them that I never want to see or hear from them again. But my therapist says to take my time--don't rush into it. Which is probably good advice, because the only thing more difficult that slamming the door on our parents is trying to pry it open again when mom has cancer or dad dies or something. I'm not worried about hell when it comes to my decision to cut off the people who destroyed my life. I just know the day will come when I'll be cleaning up their piece of junk trailer for them, because they can't. So the "good son" I'll probably remain. But at least I've told her how I feel about her shallow conversation and lack of concern for the trauma I suffered.

I know I'll never get the support I crave from my family. That's why this site and having other supports is so important. People who will listen and care.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#33946 - 04/14/05 07:15 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
I have been so lonely this week. The only person in this world that I really believe to guinely care for me is my 5-yr old daughter. I am gladto be able to talk with you guys.

Mt therapist takes a slightly different route. He said that we have no obligation to associate with anyone that isstill abusing us. Does this mean that we can just write them off, well my disassociation takes care of this; I do not think so. It does mean that I can still respect them andnot place myself in a position where tey can continue injurying me. This was a huge step for me to realize.

I am tryingto use this with my wife. This is the 1 yr anniversary of me disclosing the details of my affair. Obviouosly she is in a tremendous amount of pain, but she is now trying to control me with her anger, second guess, shaming, yelling, and I am not going to take it. That is her crap and it is going to stay there.

Now if I can just stick to those boundaries for more that 6 hours I will be ok.


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#33947 - 04/14/05 07:24 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Splitting,

Your story made me real sad for you and your brother. How horrible it must have been and I feel the sadness along with you.

Welcome to the site. I have only been here for about a month or so. I have felt a welcome mat on this site everytime I log on. The guys are great and are so supportive for each other.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#33948 - 04/14/05 09:30 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
Thanks for your support and let's take this journey together!

Danny


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