seems like the F&F board is a bit slow so I thought I'd start a thread since I'm trying to function day to day and need to talk

The "unknown" is extremely mind draining. I mean I have known of my H's csa for 19 yrs but only small bits of details here and there over the years and never my H's "struggles" with his masculinity. To me he appears VERY manly ... even some of his chauvinistic comments have driven me nuts over the years. Sometimes I have felt defeated as a women because I have felt like he thinks of females as "lessors". Now to learn that he has felt a constant need to validate his masculinity really throws me for a loop. It's almost unbelievable because this is not the "vibe" he puts off.

I question why our relationship didn't give him enough validation ... he is clearly the "head of our house" ... I am not an over bearing female ... often very submissive because I have struggled to regain my self esteem after being abused by my first husband and years of verbal abuse from my own parents. I have come a loooong way but I always tried to be extremely respectful to him as the "man of the house"... granted, I'm a "fun mom" too and have let the kids get away with things but I also have a hard time saying no and the kiddos use this against me *sigh*.

I have tried my darnedest to please him in the "bedroom". While I think I'm pretty sexual, I have often felt like a prude around him wondering what the hell was wrong with me. It's a hard sometimes thinking you can please your spouse yet can barely keep up with him. I've thought "why does he never seem to get enough", when we would have an amazing "session" and he'd appear to be craving more and more. Sometimes I would come away feeling so lonely and used because I felt it lacked intimacy and was a bit one-sided ........ I am now learning why

This "new" information is making my head spin. It's almost like he's been stuck in his adolescence in a way. Trying to figure out his sexual identity ..... Drawn to porn, videos, and recently engaging in sexting relationships with an xfriend and co-worker in order to feel "manly" <-------- where do I and our marriage vows fit in???? I have been lonely on and off for YEARS (not just sexually but emotionally ... companionship wise) and have told myself to be patient and supportive because "he was abused" ...... so have I contributed to this "unknown" monster that it trying to destroy our marriage now? It makes me cry out in such deep pain.

Let's just say my self esteem/confidence has once again slide down the hill and is broken into a 1000 pieces. I don't even trust myself or my judgement at this point.

Dear broken13

I am by no means able to give any "qualified" advice; the only thing that makes my comment is what I'd call "common sense". So, maybe you'd prefer a more profound and more relevant opinion. In this case, please ignore my post.

I would ask you - and your H, too - if you'd consider your relationship, your marriage causatively related to the CSA experience of his. Of course, this is a rhetorical question: it is certainly not. How much empathy you ever take in what has happened to him, it does not negate or extinguish the fact that you as well have the right to be treated in a partner-like way. You deserve respect, consideration, and the like; I think it's neither fair nor of any advantage neglecting your own needs for the sake of his "comfort" or whatever reason may lead you to doing what you are doing.

In my opinion - and that's an all personal point of view, please don't take it as anything else but this - you're doing neither him nor yourself any favour if you get involved with him sexually with the intention of ... well, whatever your intentions may be other than finding sexual satisfaction.

Once again, this is my absolutely personal opinion, and I'd suggest this in any case when someone feels like obliged doing things that don't feel right or that seem to overextend someone's capabilities or won't fit her/his convictions, needs or the like. I think quite a lot about boundaries, that I've heard and read quite a lot on the board.


HTH, best wishes!

Hi,

I completely agree with Alas.
You deserve to feel respected and for your needs to be met (instead of being in a constant state of trying to satify and consider what's best for him). I know this because AI'[ve done it too and it isn't helpful. Infact it only serves as a gratification to him that it is ok to treat you this way and his needs do come first.

There are many ways you can support and comfort your husband and this is clearly important but don't do so at the sake of your own needs and desires.

I agree trying to find our way in the tangled web of effects of csa is really hard and difficult but I can't really speak to that. Perhaps some of the ms's can shed some light for you.

I'm so sad to read the dive your self- esteem and self- worth has taken. My advice (again from a place of experience and simply my opinion) would be to build back up YOUR life and the things that make you YOU.

Sorry this is a pretty inadequate response.

You are stronger than you think, just remember that and you ARE worthy of respect and equality in your relationship.

I would still recommend checking out the "intimacy anorexia" stuff by Doug Weiss ---- he is on Daystar network sometimes -- actually I believe they are having a conference on Daystar in early November - I think he will be on the panel.

He is a Christian sex counselor -- he has high profile clients.

His stuff isn't cheap -- but his books "sex,men&god" is good -- and the DVD and workbook on intimacy anorexia might help. You can call and talk to them for free.