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#339423 - 09/01/10 09:08 PM The Constant Anger
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I have talked with guys who tell me that they have never really gotten angry about their abuse or assault. For me anger has been a constant companion the past twenty years. I do not mean every moment of each day but it is not long before it returns. And it is a rage inside me.

It is something I hide and in fact strive to keep hidden. This is especially true here. One of the reasons I left a few months back was due to my anger rising and my fear of lashing out at someone here. That is the last thing I would want to do.

I know my anger is rooted in the night of my assault. I was bound and restricted in movement. I was beaten and then the rest followed. And I will never see those men again. They are long gone and I have no sense of justice about it. I watch a lot of crime shows and sit there waiting to see if there will be justice. When I watched "Taken" at the theatre I was triggered right and left. I saw it alone and had to see justice. As sick as I was I did feel good about the ending and the slaughter of those who did the things to those women.

I work to try to bring down the level of my rage by running but due to the heat that has been not possible. I do not feel like going to the gym and seeing so many people. So I drive and I yell and I write some.

I hold down a job with high demands and several staff members. I am the lifeline in my family. I pay my bills and do my duties. In other words I live a life that most would think is normal. But they do not know the rage inside. I hide it well most times with the occasional over reaction. And I just am so tired of the anger and yet if I do find a way to let it go...then what? It has been there for so long.

I am angry for what happened. But I am also angry for the lack of response that society gives us. Not fully recognized is barely recognized. That is how I feel as a man in this world. I was raped but it is still "new ground" to the therapeutic community. Where are the books? Where are the resources? Where are the experts on male ASA?

So besides my rape I am angry that I am still a blurb in most articles about sexual assaults - a damn footnote. And I do not apologize for how I feel. Because it is not right.

Right now I am trying to sort out my anger and figure more of it out. Since stopping therapy I slowed down on recovery work. Not long ago I picked it back up on my own. I still cannot go back to therapy yet full time but maybe soon once a month at least.

But the anger, low or high, is more constant than I realized. This is what I am working on right. I have the goal to get through it somehow and get past it. To live the rest of my life less angry.








Edited by prisonerID (09/01/10 09:44 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#339424 - 09/01/10 09:49 PM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Daryl,

Thank you for sharing this anger that you carry inside of yourself. You and I have had a number of conversations about anger and I’m sure it’s an issue that many ASA’s deal with. I’d like to share my own battle with anger.

First let me start by apologizing for using a little poetry in this thread but writing poems I have found to be a safe outlet for many of my feelings. Especially those thoughts and emotions that are by nature destructive to me and others.



Embryonic Hate

I felt it penetrate!
Impregnating me with violence,
An ejaculate laced with hate.

I cleaned, wiped and bathed.
Considered death over life.
Screamed, cried, and prayed

Can I abort this embryo
Your semen has created?
Odium no one should know.


I was never a violent personality and still am not but I carried a rage deep inside that caused others to back away. I never had to yell at my kids or for that matter my wife, I would throw them “the look” which would bring them into submission. I say this with complete regret. Sure everyone “minded” but was that what I really wanted from my family? I had no idea the level of fear I had created in my own home. I didn’t spank my kids or raised a hand to my wife but they felt the rage oozing threw my pours.

I thought I had this seething anger completely under wraps and that people only saw the side of me that was gentle and kind. That is my natural self and it was now under siege. I never new hate till that night. So, to be forcibly infused with it was perplexing. I desperately didn’t want this anger to be residing within me but I had a stronger desire to keep it and use it as a way to keep myself safe. Interesting enough this rage eventually turned on me. I self-injured for the next thirty years.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#339444 - 09/02/10 06:51 AM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: earlybird]
LordShiningStarr Offline


Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 11
Loc: Normal, IL
To earlybird,

That is a very very powerful poem. May I copy it. I'll be happy to give you the credit for it. It is exactly how I've felt over the years since my ordeal. Not to mention, I am a collector of poetry, and this one is extremely beautiful.

_________________________
Sincerely,
Lord ShiningStarr

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#339445 - 09/02/10 06:53 AM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: LordShiningStarr]
LordShiningStarr Offline


Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 11
Loc: Normal, IL
To PrisonerID,

I know how you feel. When I watched the movie "The Accused" with Jodie Foster, it really hit home for me. Although, I made the dumb mistake of watching it about a month or two after the assault. Luckily I had my mom and sister right there with me.

_________________________
Sincerely,
Lord ShiningStarr

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#339446 - 09/02/10 07:09 AM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: LordShiningStarr]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
LordShiningStarr

It would be my honor to have you want copy and save my poem. Never thought of it as beautiful I'll have to re-read it with that concept in mind. I like beauty and it exists in the strangest of places.



Edited by earlybird (09/02/10 07:10 AM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#339451 - 09/02/10 08:07 AM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: earlybird]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
LordShiningStarr,

Thank you for you comments and joining in the discussion. It is nice to read someone say they understand the struggles that I have. It is so frustrating to feel that no one gets how I feel and there is just silence when I state things like that.

Welcome to the site and I hope you gain much from being here.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#339697 - 09/06/10 12:07 AM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: prisonerID]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 265
Loc: Undisclosed
I wish I could break the buried anger cycle. Its always there, beneath the surface, sometimes making it to the surface, like when I feel Im trapped, being ridiculed, manipulated or being taken advantage of. This week was one of those times, where something was stolen from me, and when i found out, i was so angry AT MYSELF for leaving it outside unlocked, even though it was on my back patio. I flipped out and smashed an item into the ground. Why? Because I didnt use better judgement. How odd. That I blame myself 100% for what happened. Just like I blame myself for the abuse. That I didnt have better judgement, or that I should have known better.


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#339923 - 09/09/10 06:14 PM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: brother2none]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
Daryl,

I do not read as much about others here on MS as I should. It brings pain to my heart and when it is a dear friend such as yourself, it brings much empathy and great sorrow.

I cannot know how deeply you were hurt and what it has done to you. but I do know that ugly tenant that lives within us and refuses to move out. I mean the anger of course. I still have mine and am incensed when I hear of injustice or see it. The injustice done to you and ALL of our brothers who have suffered needs remedy. I hear that from you and agree.

I do not know if I will ever get justice for the small seemingly innocent thing that was done to me which so changed my life. But I will always fight for justice for us and demand it come swiftly. I will not be silent. And I'm glad you have voiced your pain and what you have gone through. Know that I am on your side and on the side of all my brothers who were hated and oppressed in such an ugly and evil way.

I cannot know your pain... But I feel it deeply.

Your brother,
Sam


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#339957 - 09/10/10 05:59 AM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: many_mees]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Sam -

Your words are very much heart felt by me right now. Your frienship and support are very much appreciated.

I am finding myself being less silent here than I was before. I am finding my own voice in my life and the issues of my assault. I am thankful there are ears like yours to hear them here. (Fortunately through typing you can't hear my so-called accent. Accent? We all talk this way.) wink

I always thougth I had power in silence and not sharing. I am wading in on this side of the sceptic tank. So far...so good.


Your grateful brother,

Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#339959 - 09/10/10 06:38 AM Re: The Constant Anger [Re: prisonerID]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Daryl,

Indeed your voice has grown ever stronger in the time we've known each other. To be honest I had more or less thought you were a guy who had already been through the anger part of the process and therefore no longer needed to express it, given how traumatic your experience must have been. Now that I know how wrong I was, I am even more happy for you that you are more strongly breaking the silence and isolation sexual abuse brings with it. Congratulations.

All the best,

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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