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#339354 - 08/31/10 11:14 PM Envy
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 142
Loc: England (at the moment)
You sit there unaware that you have me in your hands.
Your innocence the chain,
Your ignorance the lock.





(it is about boys I saw and the effect they had on me. I hated that power but what could I do? Later I found the key.)



Edited by CheerfulJohn (08/31/10 11:19 PM)
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#339355 - 09/01/10 12:17 AM Re: Envy [Re: CheerfulJohn]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Interesting last two lines. I love the visual. Do you think you would be willing to make this poem longer? I'm left looking for the key. :-)

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There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
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#339357 - 09/01/10 12:42 AM Re: Envy [Re: earlybird]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
IT IS IN HIS HAND

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#339358 - 09/01/10 01:04 AM Re: Envy [Re: nltsaved]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Don't need to yell. Just asking.(I think I'll return the key)

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#339360 - 09/01/10 01:11 AM Re: Envy [Re: earlybird]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
JUST TYPING IN CAPS
I GOT TO STOP DOING THIS LOL LOL
I ONLY DO IT BECAUSE I SEE IT BETTER

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#339362 - 09/01/10 01:15 AM Re: Envy [Re: nltsaved]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
i do like the poem though

it gets you thinking
for me it is in his hand he is aware of the issue and can now unlock it

and in away envy is in his hand
i don't no but what ever it is cool and it is almost better left as is

good poem and finishing would also be interesting

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#339377 - 09/01/10 08:41 AM Re: Envy [Re: nltsaved]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
I must have been tired last night because I completely missed the fact that the key was in the first line. I guess Nitsaved, I needed the caps to see better myself. I like the poem even better now that I know where that dang key is.

Question. Is the hand holding the key, hiding it which is what might be causing the ignorance? Maybe in an attempt to preserve the innocence?



Edited by earlybird (09/01/10 08:42 AM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#339389 - 09/01/10 10:18 AM Re: Envy [Re: earlybird]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
John very well done

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#339597 - 09/05/10 12:07 AM Re: Envy [Re: michael Joseph]
kaine Offline


Registered: 10/29/09
Posts: 20
A very brave thing to admit. I know the feeling, of being willing to do anything for someone who doesn't even see you, and trying to decide whether without them you'd be free, or extinguished.


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#339639 - 09/05/10 07:23 PM Re: Envy [Re: kaine]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi John,

A great poem, and I remember looking at other boys and wondering if they saw me with my "chains" the way I saw me. Abuse certainly clouds our perception of ourselves, and doing the recovery work provides much more clarity.

_________________________
Eddie

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#345391 - 11/16/10 08:10 AM Re: Envy [Re: EGL]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 142
Loc: England (at the moment)
I often think my art (in this case a poem) is so easy to read for others because they powerfully hold for me a whole theme that was or is vivid in my field of vision. Your reflections have been enlightening. Thank you.

The title was the key: Envy......I only found the key 3 years ago. After so many years I have named (unlocked) and been freed (unchained) from this block to recovery. A handsome, sporty, intelligent spectator to my first sexual initiation became the template to whom all were compared. From then on, anyone who looked like him held me captive. Anyone who didn't was of little interest. At best distracted by these innocents and ignorants, at worse endlessly tormented. All of the 1000's who resembled this boy (who i idolised ~envied~ from a distance) had power over me...... their innocence of having never harmed me chained me to the guilt of wanting anything twisted from them, their ignorance of what I was feeling was the lock.
When I saw that this 'spectator' perp was no one to envy......I was free.

My poem remained a riddle or private 'joke' and failed to leave enough clues to lead you where i was going. But i like how you saw it.

I welcome you into this opened secret, mostly healed.


Thanks for being there.

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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