I often think my art (in this case a poem) is so easy to read for others because they powerfully hold for me a whole theme that was or is vivid in my field of vision. Your reflections have been enlightening. Thank you.
The title was the key: Envy......I only found the key 3 years ago. After so many years I have named (unlocked) and been freed (unchained) from this block to recovery. A handsome, sporty, intelligent spectator to my first sexual initiation became the template to whom all were compared. From then on, anyone who looked like him held me captive. Anyone who didn't was of little interest. At best distracted by these innocents and ignorants, at worse endlessly tormented. All of the 1000's who resembled this boy (who i idolised ~envied~ from a distance) had power over me...... their innocence of having never harmed me chained me to the guilt of wanting anything twisted from them, their ignorance of what I was feeling was the lock.
When I saw that this 'spectator' perp was no one to envy......I was free.
My poem remained a riddle or private 'joke' and failed to leave enough clues to lead you where i was going. But i like how you saw it.
I welcome you into this opened secret, mostly healed.
Thanks for being there.
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.