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#33932 - 03/31/05 07:02 AM Exisiting in the abyss
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
I am new here and I am praying for guidance.

I have just read, "It says, I have to be bad" post. I hope to be able to feel like that. The passion is so admirable!

I hope I do not bore you with my story. My abuse started with my father fondling and urinating on me very early in life, before the age of 3. During this time my mother worked from 11pm to 7am and my father worked from 3pm to 11 pm. Not only did he have the entire night with us, there was an hour of no adult supervision during the drive-time overlap. I was three and my brothr was 1.

My uncle the joined in the abuse picking up where my father left off. He had oral and anal sex with me. He would grind his groin into mind. He would ask me if I had enough to drink. Crap like that.

He lived at my grandmother's house and my mother use to beat me and my brother because we did not want to go to that house. Never once asking why we did not want to go.

That ended around age 8. Then at age 11 I was working one summer for a family friend. I became his whore. I remember laying next to him in his bed. My anus still aches thinking about it. thankfully it only lasted 3 months and I had the "pleasure" of my first orgasm during that time.

I am now 41. My wife and I are in recovery from an affair that I had. It ended 12 months ago and started me asking the question,"who am I and why did I behave that way?".

As I think back I cannot remember the majority of my childhood. Regretfully, more and more memories are coming back and they are not fun. The last memories were of my father urinating on me. That occurred three weeks ago.

I was just beginning to feel. Feel anything. Now I am numb. I have no emotions regarding my abusers. I can see them plain as day and it is as if it happened to a different person.

I could go on but I need to make an ill-fated attempt at sleep. Thanks for letting me share part of my story. I will not even get into my mother.


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#33933 - 03/31/05 11:05 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I am so sorry for what you went through. SA we can't remember is horrible. We've got the body memories, the gut knee-jerk reactions, the feelings, we act out everything, but few memories of the actual SA. What you are able to remember is absolutely horrible. You mention your brother. AUGH! What is it with these families? Don't you wish we had a time machine?

Connecting with those feelings and the reality of what happened to us is what makes it slowly loosen it's control of our lives today. It was a courageous thing to write down your story here. You're now among a bunch of men who truly understand. I wish you peace.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#33934 - 04/01/05 01:32 AM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
Thanks for the encouragement.


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#33935 - 04/01/05 10:23 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Splitting - sometimes I am lost for words when I read what these perverts do.

What I would like to say to you (and everyone here will say the same)is that you were never ever at fault - you need to fully believe that.

Sleep well - best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#33936 - 04/06/05 03:51 AM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
Thanks Rick. I just wish I could feel something about those guys. I feel so hollow inside.


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#33937 - 04/06/05 05:04 AM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
subdeacon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Florida
JUst remember that the abyss is really not an abyss. It's not bottomless. If you hit bottom before you find a ledge and start to climb up, then you'll know that you can't go further and all you can do is go up. That's supposed to sound positive...and I think it is. Just remember, you were not at fault. Take a look at a 3 year old or an 11 year old and really think....can anyone that young really be at fault for something like this happening to them? No one deserves to go through what you went through, but remember you are among friends who care about what happens now. You may feel numb now, but as you work you'll get the feeling back. It may hurt to do so, the way a leg that has fallen asleep hurts when it's coming back..but that pain is a sign of life returning. Bless your journey! Be gentle with yourself. Don't rush.

Philip

_________________________
"By way of trials and sufferings we must purify the divine image in us...for it is by reforging our senses in the furnace of our trials that we free them from defilement and assume our royal dignity. --Abba Philimon

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#33938 - 04/06/05 09:20 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
Thanks Sub.

As I described it to my counselor ysterday, I feel like I am treading water in afog covered ocean in the middle of the night.

Thanks for the encouragement.


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#33939 - 04/06/05 09:32 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Splitting, sometimes I dont welcome newcomers here, it is just the way I am, adn I am deeply sorry for your memories of all this.

You should not need to be here, but I am glad you found this place.

None of this should happen to any one of us, I wish you well on your recovery,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#33940 - 04/07/05 05:43 AM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
subdeacon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Florida
Hey Splitting!

Great news! You're treading water. That says a lot, my friend...as for the others....the time of day and weather will change...and the ocean is full of life.

hang in there.

Philip

_________________________
"By way of trials and sufferings we must purify the divine image in us...for it is by reforging our senses in the furnace of our trials that we free them from defilement and assume our royal dignity. --Abba Philimon

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#33941 - 04/07/05 09:17 PM Re: Exisiting in the abyss
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
To all:

Thanks for the support. I know that none of us should be meeting under these circumstances. I read your stories and just, just, I do not have a word for the emoitions as of yet.

I see a small child being potentially mistreated and I want to kill the B#st$rd that is hurting the child. Even if it is just the usage of shaming language.My therapist tells me that this is my way of protecting my own hidden inner child. I guess he is right.

Here a great story. My dad died 10 years ago. I finally told my mother about by abuse 5 weeks ago. You would hve thought she was reading the newspaper. All she would say is that I did not tell her. She never asked why she had to beat me to go to my uncles's house, but she is completely innocent. I offered her a couple of books to give her an idea of what I am going through. She kept them for four weeks. Upon my next visit wth her she returned them...unread. Once she found out what the subject was she did not have aneed to read them.

Will I burn in hell for divorcingmy mother?

Have a great day everyone!

Danny


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