Newest Members
JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS
12466 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
BobdaFarmer61 (53), LeeM1974 (40), MATROS48 (57), victor valdez (40)
Who's Online
4 registered (JW1230, 3 invisible), 28 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12466 Members
74 Forums
64007 Topics
446732 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#339227 - 08/30/10 07:51 AM Fear
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Can we talk a little about fear? The night of my rape the one thing that was the most present was fear. Fear of dying. It wasn’t the rape or pain there was no anger. I was overwhelmed with fear.

I’m not a fearful person. I wasn’t before and not really lived a life of fear after. But I’ve carried that Kernel of terror all my adult life. How does one rid themselves of it?

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#339235 - 08/30/10 10:19 AM Re: Fear [Re: earlybird]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Fear is something I've been dealing with closely for a little while. Is the fear you carry now still a fear of dying? Are their other things that the fear might be tied to? I just had a couple of weeks of PTSD level fear and terror that something awful was going to happen to me. The urge to hide myself away and shut down was overwhelming.

It might help you understand your fear if you try to make it more specific to you (then and now) with more detail. Here are some more specific fears that are familiar to me:

- Fear that something terrible is going to happen that I can't anticipate and can't do anything about.
- Fear of being found out (as a fraud and inauthentic).
- Fear of failing.
- Fear of trying in case I fail.
- Fear that what happened to me somehow predetermines what's possible in my life.
- Fear of never getting any better than I am now.
- Fear that everything I've worked for in my life will be ripped away from me at any moment.
- Fear of something happening that I didn't choose but which is somehow inexplicably my fault.
- Fear that sex means having something stolen or broken in the experience.
- Fear that the pleasure in sex will distract me into letting some part of me be stolen or injured.
- Fear that sex means being wounded and scarred.
- Fear that sex and desire are completely inaccessible to me.
- Fear that even if sex and desire was available to me, it would cost me something unknown that I probably wouldn't want to risk.
- Fear that opening to sex will result in a painful injury to my body as some kind of existential punishment.

This list tells me a story that is understandable considering my history. As I wrote them this morning over my tea, I tried to make them as specific to me and as true as I could. I really learned something writing this list.

Earlybird, what do you think your detailed list of fears would look like (then and now) and what do you think it would show you about your experience and the impact it's had on you?

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#339244 - 08/30/10 01:00 PM Re: Fear [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Dogs&Gods Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
My biggest anxiety is that I will be stripped of everything that I have.

Trying my best to not let this consume me but very difficult to not believe in my head that all will end and end badly...

_________________________
Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

Top
#339246 - 08/30/10 01:26 PM Re: Fear [Re: Dogs&Gods]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Brian,

My original fear was that of being killed. At that moment I couldn’t see how it was going to end any other way. That was the only fear or feelings that I had or at least can recall.

Then within days, weeks and even years other fears developed

Fear of telling anyone
Fear of being found out
Fear of rejection by my peers
Fear of not ever being sexually desired
Fear of self death
Fear of hate
Fear of self-hate
Fear of growing anger/rage
Fear of groups


All these fears except one has been pretty much resolved. Fear of rejection is the hold out. That is a fracture in the main structure that refuses to be repairable. I see it. I recognize it. I work at patching it. Nothing puts a dent in its healing.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#339248 - 08/30/10 01:39 PM Re: Fear [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I'd say fear was the predominant emotion I felt when I was being abused. Not knowing when it was ever going to end, not knowing if I'd survive or if he'd off me. As adults, we're pretty used to having autonomy in our lives... we drive to work, we hang out with the people we want to hang out with, we make choices that influence our future. I wasn't able to do a whole lot of independent stuff before my abuse, but I'd had that in my life before. But then in the abuse there was that total loss of control, feeling like someone had completely overtaken your body.

It's interesting how you refer to the fear surrounding your experience as a "kernel of terror." do you think this fear maybe transfers itself into other emotions that do affect your life right now?

I wish I had something to say to your last question.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#339254 - 08/30/10 03:31 PM Re: Fear [Re: CruxFidelis]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
This is where the experience of those who remember the incident clearly, and those who have to deal with the "black hole" in their memory diverge. For me, it's the unknown that is the most terrible. I don't remember feeling my life was in danger, just confused and a kind of... suppressed feeling. Most associations occurred after and I connected them with effort.

For those adults remember their experience and don't have the view of a child I can see that you'd think being killed was a possible outcome. I'm curious if there was any ever guilt or anger about having survived...

Fear of being rejected is such a common human experience, however it is certainly intensified for us. Are there specific time or places where you feel most vulnerable to being rejected?

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#339256 - 08/30/10 04:02 PM Re: Fear [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Thank you Brian for this conversation. No I don't think I can say I've felt guilt or anger over surviving. I can understand why someone might, it just wasn't where my head went. There was plenty of anger and guilt. Some still exists. I have a much better attitude and more hope of success with the anger/guilt. But the "fear" associated with "rejection" is stronger now than ever before.

Who do I feel vunerable to? The current focus of this fear is the men here on MS. I've hidden this rape issue from most everyone else outside of my wife and kids. So to expose myself here it's been a double edge sword. I've tried to keep reminding myself that it is "MY" issue no one elses but Damn it, it is hard to maintain that clearity. I mean no disrespect to anyone here it is simply fact that I struggle deeply with this and you guys are the ones that I've allowed to be in a postition to reject. So the power feels as if it has been handled over to others. I know I can hit the delete button and take back that control but then I'd be failing at this once again. Does this make one once of sense?

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#339257 - 08/30/10 04:05 PM Re: Fear [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
For me it was pretty tangible that my life was in danger. He very obviously showed me he could kill me just by pulling the plug, pressing a button.

And yeah, I feel guilty for having survived. He told me that if I didn't do sexual stuff with him, he'd kill me and I made the decision to do sexual stuff because I of the fear. Sometimes I wonder what I'd have done if the fear of dying wasn't so pronounced.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#339259 - 08/30/10 04:57 PM Re: Fear [Re: CruxFidelis]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Crux, I can see a big differnce between our situations at the time of the rapes. You were put in a position of "precieved choice" where I was not. I can see where being put in a "choice" situation, which really is no choice at all, could lead to different feelings of guilt. Crux, I'm so sorry you were placed into such a terrible place. You did everything right there was nothing else you could have done!

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#339261 - 08/30/10 05:45 PM Re: Fear [Re: earlybird]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Fear was not a factor for me during much of the night of my assault. I kept thinking that I would figure a way out of it. When I was tied up, when I was beaten and even when the gun and knife were used to threaten to end my life. I never felt I would did because I was arrogant enough to think I could outwit them. Then when the first rape began I gave up and wanted them to kill me.

The fear came later - in the next few weeks. Then my memory of it all went away for a short season. When it returned I became reckless but at the same time fearful. I have wrestled with so many fears since. Of rejection and further pain from others and so many other fears. I kept thinking it would happen again for many years. Actually, that only subsided this past year.

Earl, through hard work with my last therapist I began to feel some of the fear lessen. It was by processing that night almost minute by minute that the fears began to subside. I still wrestle with other fears and also triggering circumstances.

My biggest fear is that all I have is unstable and all will go away. Like it did the months following the assault. As an adult I felt that I had failed in protecting myself and having control over my body and my life. It is something I have battled ever since. And if anything triggers me it is the sense of lack over control in my life with any circumstance. Yes, we were adults. But who said we were supermen? Who said that one man could fight off two others who had a gun and a knife? Who would expect a man to be able to stop himself from being raped?

I did. I said it. I expected it. And I was wrong. And I remind myself of this almost every day.

I think what Brian suggested was a good idea about listing and being specific concerning what your fears are. Keep working at each one. Keep working on your recovery here and in the 3D world. You will find fear lessening though I cannot promise it will dissipate all together. One way to get rid of some of those fears is to keep opening up here. Where others can help you since several involve what others think or how they react to you.

I share a lot of the fears you mentioned. Someone here once told me that MS is a practice ground for the 3D world. I believe that now. And I have done things here that I never thought possible. Now one day I hope to translate that into my life out here.

Thank you for the courage you have shown in posting this. I must admit it is something I need to look at again myself.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.