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#339067 - 08/26/10 10:20 PM 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
It's been a long time since I'm experiencing all this... Now I believe a I have a better understanding of what's going on. I'd like to share it in list form so that it's better to read: these are fantasies and stuff I found in my mind.

If it works for you to vent out some stuff like this, I think it's a good idea to post.
1. The fixed idea in your mind that wearing male underwear provides “masculinity”
2. The fact that you feel this weird sensation when you wear your underwear and realize you are a “man” but somehow you’re not complete and you can’t feel it.
3. Number 2, followed by self-destructive thoughts.
4. Being very attentive to look at the underwear your friends wear for you to buy the same thing and feel like a “man” like them
5. The weird sensation when you walk around the underwear aisle in the clothing store and you feel so scared to have people see you there. Like: Hey! Seriously… this isn’t your aisle.
6. Becoming compulsive about the whole underwear thing, developing a fetish. Achieving sexual arousal only like this.
7. Not understanding Number 6 and then the question: Am I gay?
8. Guilt and shame on Number 7.
9. Being in a room with 2 other guys and three women in the same room and someone on the phone says: There are 3 guys and 3 girls… And feeling a something in your chest because you were in fact, considered like one of the guys.
10. Not matching your personality with any hero in the comics. Your models of masculinity suck.
11. Learning that masculinity is sexual, gross and strictly bodily uncouth.
12. Feeling insecure in the locker room.
13. Feeling good because in your attempt to go into the locker room the guys around didn’t look at you (you were recognized).
14. Walking on purpose in boxers and realizing that your 25 yr old roommate (typical soccer, flirt, tough guy) didn’t look at you because you are a man.
15. Making Number 14 a ritual. Sometimes feeling aroused because of the recognition.
16. Based on 15, fantasizing about the 25 yr old roommate to invite you for a trio with a woman (more recognition).
17. Fantasizing on being able to answer securely to Number 16.
18. Fantasizing that you have to recognize the masculinity of other men and make them feel so, like a mandatory thing.
19. Guilt, shame and self-destructiveness after #18.
20. Opting for gay porn even though you feel you are straight
21. Realizing that you are selective in #20. The arousal is based on the recognition the top has on the bottom as a man.
22. Realizing that you are selective in what you see and finding bonds to CSA… like you don’t want to see young bottoms, or you avoid faces, or you just avoid stuff that you don’t know why.
23. Feeling that you don’t know if your perp recorded a video and you may be around the web and you don’t know
24. Knowing that even if 23 was true, you are not able to express anger, just swallow
25. Asking my dad to masturbate in front of me (I thought it was something common as that’s one of the things my perps used to do). I thought it was normal – I was 7.
26. To look at men: first groin, then face. Sometimes groin alone… and feel stressed out, or like you are somewhat fixated to that.
27. The Am I gay? Question after Number 26.
28. Being 14 and lost and asking: where do girls match here? Is it early? Is it time? What are my friends doing?
29. Having nightmares about being raped and kidnapped.
30. Fantasizing about a modified body and mirrors.
31. Being utterly fixated to bulges… but for you to have a bulge, even accidentally. That NO.
32. Fantasies about women are emotionally expensive. It’s hard for my mind to access that.
33. Knowing that relationships sooner or later include your body on a platter.
34. Feel the fear of… people meet you and soon realize you’re not a real “man”.
35. Trying to gather situations, feelings and pictures from your mind that give proof that you’re a man. Like you are your own strict judge.
36. Realizing that a woman expects responses in your behavior and body reactions you might just not have
37. Feeling disgusted by your body reactions
38. Hating that most people assume that given that I’m a man I am 100% available to every sexual adventure, hook up, flirt, meeting girls, partying and so on.
39. Being 7 taking a shower and have 3 people open the door and carry you naked to the living room while everybody makes fun of your little parts.
40. Being 7 and have people tickle you and you innocently say: Don’t because it goes hard. And then people used to give you presents if you said that in public for people to laugh. “If you don’t say it, there’s no present!”
41. Feeling a horrible thing on my back after #39 and #40
42. Everybody pushing me to engage in relationships.
43. Feeling unable to take the wheels of my life like this.
44. Realizing that with academic success I try to compensate the “aspects of masculinity” I don’t have… like control and independence.
45. Finding sexual contents in stuff like: sports, tall men and the whole macho thing.
46. Fantasize that a tall, muscular straight guy goes homoerotic with you.
47. Buying underwear that even though is your size, something tells you “C’mon, you’re not for this… I mean look at this”. This is for a well suited man.
48. Knowing that If I were a woman, I wouldn’t like a man that is able to write a 48+ items list about sexual instability.
49. Feeling weird when women older than you come to you (as a kid) and try to touch you or induce you to undesired intimacy. Telling my dad and he telling me to take advantage.
50. Feeling victimized for absolutely everything around you.

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#339081 - 08/27/10 10:06 AM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: lfp]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
I think this list is a great tool for you acknowledging things having impact on your life today. It takes someone very courageous and self-aware to compile and share this list. I don't think most people, let alone most men, have the strength for that.

I recognize the feeling of not fitting in to a group and feeling judged. I used to have this feeling about my physical presence in the world being small and insignificant. I had to reset my sense of body image and self by looking in the mirror and noting how normal and average I was in size.

It sounds like you have a very fixed idea of what masculine is and you are self-assessing according to that scale. I've learned that there are lots of kinds of masculine and that I have the freedom to be anywhere in the spectrum that is comfortable for me.

I know there is a place in that spectrum for you to feel comfortable too.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#339114 - 08/27/10 11:28 PM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
hannah7 Offline


Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 30
...



Edited by TJ jeff (08/29/10 11:47 PM)
Edit Reason: This Forum is for Male Survivors only
_________________________
And again and again Jesus said: It is I, I that you love, I that you enjoy, I that you serve. It is I that you long for, I that you desire, I that you mean. It is I that am enough for you. (Julian of Norwich)

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#339128 - 08/28/10 10:32 AM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: hannah7]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hannah,

Although I'm sure you mean well, I don't wish to be rude but I'd like to quote from the de>
_________________________
the family
the perp

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#339133 - 08/28/10 11:44 AM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Thank you! I actually felt a little lighter after writing that list. I had never written that so it was the very first time I vent that out.

Mark, when I look myself in the mirror I realize that I am the average guy, and actually good looking. The thing is that it's some kind of "kid" good looking... as in: I look 16 when I'm 23. I kind of feel ok with it but when I'm with people, i get seriously LOST. The fact that the real contact with people as a good thing is something I have yet to learn.

Kevin, thanks! Sorting this out is very difficult and painful... I will give more items because they're in my mind and theyre hurting me right now. I gotta find the time to do that though.

Thank you for reading this... I really appreciate it.

Please keep making comments, makes me feel important and I don't feel alone.

I hope you're having a nice time this weekend.

Luis

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#339138 - 08/28/10 01:30 PM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: lfp]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Luis,

Since you invited more comment...

What this looks like to me is a man sorting through trauma induced images and compulsions on his way to finding out what makes him feel good and positive. I can't predict what that will be, but if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. It's important I think for us to try and differentiate between arousal and feeling right.

Keep up the work Luis.

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#339142 - 08/28/10 02:04 PM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: sono]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Thanks, I will keep the work.

For the first time in my life, I am getting to know what makes me feel good and choose for myself. I am more aware that I also have rights about myself... something I felt I did not have.

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#339190 - 08/29/10 07:55 PM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: lfp]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 224
Loc: Europe
lfp,

I really admire the work you put into every item on that list. I could relate to feeling affirmed just when buying men's underwear. I remember asking for boxers for Christmas one year. (I also remember both my mother and my grandmother wanting to SEE how they fit me, as if it wasn't enough for me to say they fit, but that's another story.) I can also relate somewhat to some of the mood swings you describe. Finally, the nagging question of whether or not I am somehow less of a man than other men is an insecurity I have a lot of trouble shaking. Sometimes I wonder if the guys that treat me as one of the guys won't one day look at me and say, "Wait a minute, you're not one of us." But, of course, they won't, because I am a man, just as you are. It is just somehow harder for us to see that than it is for those around us to recognize it.

Hanna, it is against the rules for you to post here, and your comments are highly inappropriate.

Thanks again, lfp, for starting this thread.

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#339199 - 08/29/10 10:57 PM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: learning2remember]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Thank you L2R,

I can also relate to that you say. I usually have a bad time when I am in a group with guys and I am scared that at one point of the conversation they realize I am not "a man - like them"... like my mind is far away from fitting in the idea.

Little by little some things in my life are changing. For example I dont feel that pressure in the underwear section and my anxiety in a locker room has lowered a little. I guess that somehow by acknowledging what they mean, it helps us view situations in a less traumatic way.

As I told Kevin and Mark, I am planning of writing the second part of the list. After I wrote it I felt some relief, even though the whole weekend I had a strong headache... probably because It was a buried memory I had never told anyone.

Thanks for all guys, I keep looking forward for ideas.

LFP

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#339204 - 08/30/10 12:19 AM Re: 50 shots on masculinity, fantasies and fixations [Re: lfp]
Justafarmer Offline


Registered: 08/03/10
Posts: 27
Loc: CO
LFP,

Great list. 5,12,20,26,27,28,31,32,33,34,35,36,42 have a lot of meaning for me. Especially the ones that talk about being a man.

Recently, my high school class celebrated the 40th anniversary of our graduation from high school. Out of a class of 146, there were about 35 or so of former classmates in attendance. As I was going home after the second night, I suddenly realized that I had spent 2 nights taking with the women I graduated with 80% of the time and only 20% of the time with the guys I graduated. One half of the 20% was speaking to the husbands of the women with whom I graduated. I seemed to find my confort zone and it was the same one I had in high school. Even when some of us met for breakfast the next mornings it was with the women that I wanted to meet. Sure, a couple of the guys showed up at the same eating place and I invited them to join us, but it was on my terms and my territory.
The truth is not one of the guys treated my badly now or then. It was just I was and still am more comfortable around women, but strickly on a friendship relationship. A romantic or a sexual relationship scares the crap out of me.

Greg


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