Hi, my fraternal brothers.

It's that old moose (Irish) again.

I think that i have hurt the very person that not only opened his heart to me, but his home as well.

Trust, something that we have a hard time doing. I always hope that when i have dealings with people, that they trust me.
Trusting me as an individual & trusting in the things that i say and do.

S It's fear. Fear of being misunderstood, why am I having trouble in trusting someone? Someone who was one of the first to come to my aid when all hell broke loose with this CSA stuff, back in August of '08?
He not only offered me his compassion, understanding & love back then, he also offered me a place to come to, to help me on this road to recovery, his home.

His wife is slowly dying from various ailments. She has been wheel chair bound for the last 16 years. Recently she has totally lost her speech, comprehension skills & control of her body. She is 100% dependent on him. Since all that happened his friends disappeared & his family has been distant.
He had no one to talk to, no one to share in his feelings & fears.
He has opened his heart & home to me, to help him in his daily struggles. And he would help me in mine in our troubling times.
There were to be no secrets. He has told me all about his family, sons & daughters. The good. The bad & the ugly.
He struggles with those thoughts that his wife of 51 years, will not awake the next day, as the doctors have told him.

He thinks so much of me that we are going to build an apartment on his property for me to live in.
He and I share our fears, compassion, understanding & love for one another.
But, as you can see my sharing is flawed.

So, why all of a sudden am I afraid to tell him what has been eating away in my soul for these past two weeks?
Fear of not being understood. Fear of being abandoned.
I had told him yesterday afternoon that i was not going to be here over this coming weekend. I was going to meet with a friend and we were going to try to help each other out. with some problems, about this CSA stuff. I would try and help him in his and he in mine.
He asks me what's bothering you? I told him that I'm not going to tell you. He gets up and leaves me, i can feel that he is hurt by my remark. I know that he has distanced himself from me. Remember, no secrets, I told myself. After all, just how could he comprehend on how I could love the man that had sexually abused me for six years?
How could anybody understand that? Hell, I'm having trouble trying to understand myself.

This morning we are having coffee together. I said a few things to him (small talk). However i can sense that he is hurt. I had that feeling that he was disappointed in me.
Probably thinking what is there that I cannot trust him with?
He, knows about my abuse and all the ramifications that come with all that baggage.

He, opened his heart & house to me. He has trusted me. I help him & he helps me, that was the deal.

But, at times I feel that he gets the attitude that all this stuff can be forgotten. Just suck it up & move on. Hell Pete that was 55 years ago. You can remember all that, but you forget things about yesterday. You live in the past too much.
Yep. I sure and hell do. After all, I am still that little boy, in a mans skin.

There are two things that i do not trust in telling him now and they are on how I could love Ralph & my true sexual orientation.
Because, my trust will turn into fear.

Fear of abandonment. And fear of not being understood.
Fear of trusting.

Right now I am in a tizzy. Do, I apologise for not TRUSTING him? My FEAR is it will not be accepted.

FEARING to TRUST...that's my problem.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity."

Probably doesn't make a bit of sense, forgive me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

moose,

maybe part of the reason you can't say anything about ralph or your sexual orientation is that there are still some issues you are having over these subjects???...????...

perhaps during your trip you can come to some conclusions and be able to tell him when you get back?

take it easy on yourself though... dealing with csa isn't easy and there are times when even we don't understand but we do our best to deal...

you're a good man moose and i know that things will work out...

todd

Fearing to Trust is an issue with me too.

I'm an atheist, and have similar fears. Revealing the CSA is often easier than showing my true religious orientation.

Peter,

I can understand how he might feel, being so vulnerable and open with you and then hearing "I'm not going to tell you". It might feel like a slap in the face after being so trusting himself.

Instead of a closed and bolted door, you might have offered a door left ajar by saying "I'm wrestling with something and it's very difficult for me to even think about. That's why I'm reaching out to someone who shares my experience for help. I hope I'll be able to talk about it when I've worked it through and that you can understand how difficult it is for me to talk about."

You are a good man Peter, and in the past protecting yourself this rigidly and automatically may have served you well, but it isn't serving you well with this friend right now.

You don't need to tell him everything, you can share a little bit and then a little more over time. Tell him how difficult this is for you. That's what building trust is all about.

-efm

Hi Pete,

first off, you are a great person ! For sharing this, for helping your friend, etc.

You may have a true friend right now and I was wondering if maybe he could read Victims no longer? I mean, you don't necessarily have to be the spouse or girlfriend of a survivor to want to be there or help or understand, right?

Maybe instead of having the discussion you dread, you could ask him to read the book and tell him that when he's done, you'd like to discuss it with him because there are things in there that will speak of your issues better than you could yourself...

In my opinion, it is normal to fear rejection at this point, so do not blame yourself, please. And good luck!

Pattycakes

Hi, my brothers & (Pattycakes too).

Well, i finally got up the courage to tell my friend about what i didn't want to tell him last week.

Which is posted above. He listened to me. Then he gave me his opinion. How can you ever get better when you are constantly on the MS web site? Look just forget it & get on with your life.
You, go all over hell & creation for help (WoR's).

I expected that for an answer. But, he as honest in his feelings.
Look, you aren't so quick to get pissed off. You don't roll your eyes back when someone starts to criticize you. You don't have the anger that you used to have, especially when you are doing something. You seem happy. So can it & enjoy what ever time you have left.

I was understood. And i will never be abandoned by him.

I'll go back, and like i have said a few times before...........

If you haven't walked the walk & talked the talk...............
They will never understand.

But, having said that i still have his trust.....................

But, more importantly, I have faced my FEAR.
And he has my TRUST.

Little Pete, has taken another step out from the depths of darkness.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Congratulations Peter,

You faced a fear, you built trust with a friend, and you can know what's right or you even while a friend may not understand.

That sounds like a damned good day.

-efm