I was abused by my sister for some period of time (six months, three years?)at some point (8 y.o. to ?) when I was a child. I never told anyone until about 7 years ago, when I was 35. I have told maybe a half dozen people, three therapists, two wives, my mother. I have 'cement'ed away some portion of my heart and soul from everyone, and I have only recently realized this. In these ways I feel much in common with other survivors. But in another way I feel much different.

My response to the abuse was to become very sexually active at a young age. I have had many many sexual partners and I have a high sex drive. I am addicted to certain feelings about sex, that drive me to do things and take risks I shouldn't (i.e., sleep with lots of women, be very interested in pornography and women in general, and, MOST DANGEROUSLY, exposing myself - in different ways - to women). I am only coming to grips with this stuff right now, and when I say coming to grips, maybe what I should say is: I am becoming aware of how impossibly locked away a part of me is, and how adicted I have been.

I told my wife early in our relationship that I was abused. She thinks she may have been as well, but cannot uncover it. We both suffer from pretty severe trust issues. She found a picture of a woman, naked. In the picture the woman was holding a picture of me, naked. I 'came out' to her that I have a problem, that has driven me, at times, to look for inappropriate attention from women.

I am now battling my demons. Part of me wants to run away and continue to feed my sexual urges. Another part of me hates the first part and wants me to be punished for the 'wrongs' I have done. The middle ground must be somewhere, but where?

What do I do? do I try to refrain from all sex? can I masturbate? I am going to therapy three times a week, but I am scared that I will have to give up sexuality altogether. is that how it works? and isn't my fear of losing sex a sign of my addiction? But can't I have sex and not be addicted? ugh, arggh, I hurt so fucking bad

and now I feel guilty about posting...interesting...

Hi Cement,
I love building large art forms out of cement...it's just so lasting and heavy! Don't feel strange about your addiction...lots of us have that!!! The thing is not to beat yourself up about it...it's normal for child SA survivor to be sex an addict...just don't let the therapist send you to the 12 steps of "SA"...it's everywhere and is full of pedos and real nutty perverts...after 3 or 4 times I got up and grossed everyone out...about 40 men.... and booked! They want you to stop all sex for a year!!!!!!!!! Not even hand jobs... Than you can have sex with anyone...they're NUTS! A good therapist will tell to have all the sex that you can handle....but if you're married...you have to keep it home!!!!!!!!!! NO PORNO. Try hard to have your fun with your wife and yourself...in any way that she will go for...hopefully for you...a long, long way!!! Screwing around outside in any way is what messes your mind up...ANY WAY..that's PORNO, FLASHING, Having sex with someone else is only a small part of it...Phone Sex, Talking to anyone for sex...on the phone or net is a NO NO!!! Sure it's the hardest thing to do but you have to do it in order to recover from the SA....lots of guys can't do it and say goodbye to their marriage. I'm trying like hell to keep it home right now...so you are not alone. I found it easier to keep it home than go to all the Pdocs and that dam "SA"!! I still go to a good therapist once a week and see a good shrink for meds every two months....the right meds will cool you down some....Busprone HCL 10MG Twice Daily will stop you for wanting to go out flashing, etc...but still perform at home....Whatever...GOOD LUCK!!!!

Eddie

I think your doing okay by yourself. Just realizing you have a problem is hard enough, but now you can start to deal with it. The thing about sex is to try and treat it with respect. If you are using sex to fufill other needs, you have to learn what those needs are and replace sex with somthing else. Try having your wife just hold you instead, or tell yourself that you dont need or want sex that will hurt you, and replace it with thinking something good about yourself, or treating yourself to a reward, like something you like to do. its corny, but a lot of change is just rewriting the>

Dear Cement,

I was also abused by my sister for several years, and I recognise a lot of what you are saying. I also had, and have, an unusually high sex-drive, which can be difficult to live with.

The fact that you are married makes it more difficult for you (I'm single), because since you love your wife very much, you don't want to hurt her by doing 'wrong' things.

Refraining from all sex doesn't seem healty to me. The advice Geteddie gives you seems ok. I don't know if your wife also has a high sex-drive. If she has, you can make love to her if you feel the 'urge', but if she says 'no', please don't.

Masturbating can be a good way to rid yourself of sexual tensions. I myself masturbate several times a day, if I can, which helps. If you feel guilty about it, talk to a therapist.

Good luck, and please try to not feel guilty about posting here.

Thanks for writing, guys, I really appreciate it. This is the first I have talked with other survivors and I am still not quite sure what to expect, but it feels good to talk.

Gettedie, I will follow your advice and 'keep it at home.'

I am thinking that even masturbation may not work FOR ME, right now. I am trying to face and examine my desires rather than just give in to them; masturbation could just be like a 'fix.'

Broken, my heart aches just reading your name. It sums up the experience. I feel broken. I am a 6'3" 220 lbs maried man who heads his household and runs a division of a company, yet I feel like I am going to cry several times a day. I am the strong one. How do I remain strong? My strength is built upon a foundation of cement in which is buried the pain, fear and betrayal of my incest.

I have to break through the cement...I feel like I will crumble...

Frankie, I wrote on your post as well, thanks for the thoughts.

Broken, I AM trying to fulfill other needs with sex. Thank you for reinforcing that I should reward myself in other ways when I get an urge. A little woodworking goes a LONG way...

Getteddie, I am taking Effexor, 300 MG a day (that's right, a heavy dose) and I have been for a couple of years. I know it helped me stop smoking and I barely ever want alcohol any more...amd thanks for the warning about the twelve stepper people. My therapist is great and I will stick to him.

Cement
The line you wrote Wow did that hit me right between the eyes. That fear of what is on the other side of all this pain keeps me on this side. Hope we both break through without breaking up!

Ken

Cement,
I think that my therapist is pretty good too...he stays on top of what's new in the world of mind work. The new studies show that 'ALL" people have more that one person inside of them!!! They have been working on DID people by putting all of their parts together...they think it works good...BULL...I have been inside of a private nut house and got to know 12 DID people who have Pdocs who believe that the parts are together but they tell me that they are lieing to the Pdocs to make them leave them alone...All of them said this to me...Strange...but not so when you think about it...with the new studies!!!! No matter how much you beat up on your cemented up self...you will never kill it or let it out..like you say...to become part of you...It is just another person inside of you...leave him where he is...just learn to control him...and use his great power when you need it...don't wast your power and time by trying to tair down walls and put two of your parts together..It don't work man!!! See if your therapist is up on this shat!

Eddie

id have to disagree with you eddie, multiples do come together, all the time. While i agree it is best to go easy on yourself, once you find out exactely why you split and confront it, your personalities do converge, maybe not all at once, but understanding helps integrate extreme personalities together into what people think of as thier core personalites. But you right because everybody does a little bit of splitting to get through the day, but if it is keeping you from being living your life the way you want to then you should try to make some effort to piece things together. Dont force anything, because that wont work, but look at it as something to strive for.

I am so early in my recovery, or maybe I should say rebuilding, or coming together. I am frustrated that I can't just be well.

Multiples. You guys use the term so effortlessly, is that what hapens? I am starting to recognize the eight year old boy inside me, and I am feeling how much of a divide there is from him. He acts out, but more importantly, right now he is hiding, and releasing some weird narcotic into my brain to keep me from even wanting to find him.

I am bored with trying to find him. I told my therapist I want to isolate him and cauterize him. My therapist said, okay, try, see if that works. Man, this guy is good. Okay, I can't isolate him and kill him but he is anesthetizing me, what the fuck do I do?

Whoops, went off on a tangent, my point was, these really are multiples, aren't they? The thing is, Broken, that I believe I HAVE "found out exactly why you split and confront it" or have I?

And another shot of narcotic enters my brain and says, "just take it easy, why are you trying so hard, don't worry..." That little kid has some powerful drugs with him.

well, there is a big difference between impulses based on childhood trauma and somebody with Dissasociative Identity Disorder (DID) or Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) This is going to sound really corny and stupid, but there is a concept called the inner child and it can help. But dont delude yourself, your inner child is liable to flip you off or kick you in the balls as soon as look at you. What it really is is trying to connect with who you were at that time, understanding that you were powerless to do anything, and understanding it on the basic level you did as a child. Its about acknowledging that you no matter how tough you are, you are mortal, and therefore, voulnrable. That takes some real guts, to go back and be a terrified little kid who is being raped, and say NO! I dont care what anybody else says thats strength. If you continue to isolate yourself from who you were, you will still be that same little kid your whole life, and all your actions will revolve around your trauma. Power and Anger are not strength, change and love, those take guts.