I just had a good interview on the phone, sold myself well, and in his last question, I put my foot in my mouth. A hesitant response came back from him.

Him: "So are you really in need of a job? Are you looking for something long-term, or are you looking for something seasonal?"

Me: "Well, I'm needing a job right now, but I'm exploring something else right now." Inside, I was re-running these thoughts: "I don't want to be hired by you. I don't want you to know me or get close to me." (However, he didn't really 'feel' dangerous.)

Him: "....well,...okay...I'll call you tomorrow after I do your background check."

I've thrown these thoughts out many times in hope someone would save me. I'm not sure how to view my reaction. I guess I'm just judging myself harshly. I was afraid because of old messages surfacing.

It would very easy or tempting to beat myself up right now. The "You're a failure" tape is trying to run.

Inside my head, I want to hear "I'm not a POS". Have to be kind to myself.


Not sure what else to say. Seeking peace and safety, and the reality that....I have old messages still running, and that I feel (whatever) because of them. Trying to face reality.

This is the first offer for employment in about 3 months.

Alfred

Very cool that you noticed and acknowledged your mind doing that.

It's possible the employer took what you said to mean you were trying not to appear desperate or needy by telling him you had something else going as well. That is also often a negotiating ploy to get more money.


Good Luck

thanks for saying that KT. I appreciate it.

Alfred

Hi, my fraternal brothers.

I sure hope that you haven't. We always sell ourselves short.

Looking for a positive reply to your interview.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity."

Heal well, my brother Alfred, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Alfred,

You don't need to kick yourself over that interview. Jobs are very scarce now. You could be encouraged that you got that far. There will be other opportunities in the future. Your main job now is to keep in counseling, and stay in MS and keep posting here. You will find yourself coming together.

I had job problems also. I started getting over the job problems when my head started to clear as to who I really was and what my role in life was. Not surprisingly (in retrospect) I was not able to get a job while I was floundering (I'm not a flounder, I'm a pufferfish ) about who I really was made to be. It took some counseling and reading and praying to figure that out.

Allen

pufferfish

Alfred,

I know how you fee, i just recently found a job in my field and I know how thoes phone interviews can be. just keep thinking that god has a plan, be still and you will see it working.

Allen, as I'm hearing more from those who have been through this, it makes me wonder what is common among survivor's thinking. Whether here or through PM, would you be willing to share your job ups and downs during this period, what you were thinking/feeling, and where you....landed emotionally? I put so much value on myself via work, and this is a big proclamation for me. I honestly equate Alfred's value with work contributions. I'm (kind of) uneasy about total commitment with a career direcion, and I'm trying to deny that. But it's true. I've thougtht "no success, no worth".

(this is telling, because if I succeed, I'll have worth. Considering I don't give myself much value, failure is easier, predictable, comfortable, like a wet diaper....YIKES!!!)

Allen, what's your story? I know you've grown a bit in the last few years, and I'm pulling from that. Thank you.


Alfred

Alfred,

It's true I've given some thought to this, although I don't know all the answers by any means.

Let me gave a shorter answer for now and then add to it later, please.

Survivors of CSA (that's who we are, isn't it?) have more trouble developing focus in life. We have trouble knowing who we are, because we have been seriously distracted from the business of life. Sometimes that affects our school performance. Sometimes it affects our basic learning skills. Sometimes it affects our job performance.

Today's job market is difficult and becoming moreso. Just like anything else, the more focus a person has the better he can compete in the job market. Well, here we are as CSA survivors and many of us struggle in the job market. To the employers we seem unfocused, not committed to what we are doing. Actually that's because we have been distracted in life at an early age.

We can help ourselves by going to regular counseling sessions. We can talk out our problems and questions. We can gain the focus which helps so much to fulfill our objectives in life. Other activities help: Reading books which help our understanding of ourselves and others, and attending group sessons. This is not a complete list.

What this answer lacks at this point is the applicaton from my own life. I need to think about this a little more and then answer earlier in the day. I'll try to work on it more tomorrow. Maybe other guys would like to chime in with their contributions.

Allen

pufferfish

Just seeking your own experience, that's all.




Every area you mentioned is affected by this lack of knowing what/who I am. I have great insecurity going "out there" in an unknown job market, with unknown challenges, unknown triggers, while simultaneously finding a scared little me inside. I'm in T right now, and my 12 year old is coming out, slowly.


Again, focus (whateveer that is) is difficult.


I questioned my own potential and value for years in the job world. I cried to myself how uneffective I was in desiring/keeping/persevering professionally, and sadly, was given a way out through my wife's professional ambition. She's carried the lion's share for years. My lack of contribution has hit my pride hard. There's motivation in that (more or less) to seek solid employment.



T has inadvertently made me aware of my little one. We talked yesterday about how I had gotten stuck at 12 years old. And when my T verbally invited him out, something...woke up. In about a 5 minute span, I remembered my first counseling sessions when I was 19. I told him about it. I remembered feeling safe in his office. Then, when it was over, I skipped my weekly 12-step group because I felt safe, something I hadn't felt in years.




Again Allen, your honest experience is something I use as possible temporary template, for it's really confusing and unknown for me.

And finally, you often write late at night. I will wait for a rested Allen. From my experience, fatigue cuts the depth of my responses, and it even colors my reactions. We'll see you later.

Thank you for your giving here to all of us. You give a lot.

Alfred

Alfred,

We sure beat ourselves up, don't we? Good news, like Allen mentions, the economy makes jobs scarce, so we get a breather to look at the difference between self worth and work and financial status. Thank goodness!

Let us all take a page from your recovery book, and identify the man, the whole and the good.

Thanks you for your insight, Alfred, please continue to share,

Sam