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#338570 - 08/18/10 01:49 PM Hate, anger & dispair
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers, TRIGGER WARNING...TRIGGER WARNING.

It's the old man again. Sitting here and having my emotions bubble over,

I, have just read about Liri, and my emotions went south. his father had sexually abused him, and his pain was unbearable. So he took his own life, no longer able to bare the pain.

I start thinking about the the total range of abuse by my "mom", why did she want to destroy her son?
What made us boys fair game by our parent(s) sexually?
We were supposed to be the children of God. We were supposed to be a precious gift.

What made us their sex toy? Right now i can see what my "mom" was doing to me. Why have i always seen myself & her whenever i took a shower or bath. Every time that i dried myself off in the genital area did i see me and her, in living color. Me that 5 year old boy standing on the toilet seat cover, and she on her knees, and she is taking her time in drying my penis. Those tickling sensations, and it getting hard & she kissing it? But all those years i had never thought that what she was doing to me was sexual abuse. I had always thought that was a "mother" was supposed to do. I didn't know until all hell broke loose when little Pete had come out from the darkness. That was sexual abuse. and me and my "mom" sleeping together, real close. What else happened?

She made me the perfect victim for Ralph, Those forbidden pleasures given to that young boy. That young boy, loved his sexual abuser, He loved him for 55+ years. And whenever i masturbated, i had always fantasized doing it with Ralph. And lately whenever i watched gay porno. that those men, was me & Ralph. Prior to all those secrets came out. I didn't know that what was done to me by Ralph was sexual abuse of a child. After all, I loved him & he loved me. Didn't HE? And those strangers, didn't they love me too?
I, never wished that he was dead. He loved me! Didn't he?

Now, i know why, i had always wished that she was dead. She surely had killed her precious gift, just as if she had murdered me. My innocence, my youth, my sexuality, my very being. Who am I? What am I?

It keeps coming into my mind that i always wished that she was dead starting at 8 years old. Just why would a "precious gift from God" wish that his "mom" was dead?


Then, i went way back to when i first logged on to this web site, and re read some of my early posts, and i got to wondering where are those brothers on mine right now?
Have they finally got to be strong enough to move on? Have they just given up?
Or like Liri, and almost me the pain & shame got too great for us to handle, and ended our pain forever?

How many of my brothers have taken this route?

So, I sit here, my mind going a mile a minute, how much i hated her. My anger is boiling over. I don't want to go back to those thoughts of despair. But it just won't let go.

We, boys were a precious gift from God. Just where in the hell did it all go wrong?

Yes, i am emotionally out of control right now. I came here and vented my hate & anger on something that happened 66 years ago......"Her precious gift from God".

Heal well my brothers, and take a minute or two and remember our brothers, whom had ended their pain, forever into eternity.

Heal well, my fraternal brothers, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.







Edited by petercorbett (08/18/10 01:57 PM)
Edit Reason: ADDED TRIGGER WARNING
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#338572 - 08/18/10 02:18 PM Re: Hate, anger & dispair [Re: petercorbett]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I know it is easy for me to say, but you are still a precious gift from God, and your presence here continues to be a gift to us here at MS and I'm sure for many others. The people who were put in your life with the responsibility of teaching you empathy, love, and kindness failed to do that, yet you possess a big heart regardless.

I can't even imagine how difficult and confusing growing up must have been in your situation, and I'm sad that I never got a chance to talk to Liri. May he rest in peace, and may you and your little Pete find your own peace and safety.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#338801 - 08/22/10 05:15 PM Re: Hate, anger & dispair [Re: CruxFidelis]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Pete,

I am sorry that you did not have a better childhood than you did. It was not fair, and it was not your fault that your mother and Ralph did not treat you with genuine love and solicitude. There is no good explanation ever (in my mind) for why such terrible things happen. I am sorry that you are at times still feeling such pain from all the ways your mother and Ralph betrayed you.
Given what you learned growing up, you managed very well to find a way to practice a kind of fatherhood that you never experienced. I salute you for striving for so long to make things better for yourself and for your son.

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#338821 - 08/22/10 11:41 PM Re: Hate, anger & dispair [Re: honey girl]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Howdy, honey girl,

Glad that you made it safely back.

Thank you for your kind words, you are a very compassionate & understanding & loving person.

I hope that you are doing well in your endeavors.

Peace & love to you.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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