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#338741 - 08/21/10 12:11 PM This is Tough
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Its been about a month since joining MS and finally trying to recover from all the issues my CSA caused. It was never forgotten just rationalized by me. I am very glad I've taken the right steps to heal with professional counseling, deep faith, and a very supportive wife (and great support here) but find myself overwhelmed at times with shame guilty feelings and disgust over the way I acted out to numb my pain before recovery. My T says this is real progress but wow this is tough. Its all real raw but there is no way I want to go back to where I was before! Thanks to all here for the help and be well.......

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#338742 - 08/21/10 12:27 PM Re: This is Tough [Re: kb8715]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11119
Loc: Denver, CO
kb,

The good news is you cannot go back to where you were before. Once something is processed and felt and worked through, it cannot be undone. There is healing on the other side of working through a recovery-related issue. Getting through the muck is filled with feelings we'd rather not feel, but it sounds like you are on a good road.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#338746 - 08/21/10 01:28 PM Re: This is Tough [Re: FormerTexan]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Thanks Andy. The support and understanding here is incredible. Be well.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#339177 - 08/29/10 12:01 PM Re: This is Tough [Re: kb8715]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
I keep moving forward everyday but it sure hurts. I have no urge to relapse and act out at all but feel so full of hurt and shame over the past. I guess that's not uncommon. I thank God daily for my recovery but I still can't believe how very hard dealing with my CSA is. Thanks to all here at MS. Along with my T my faith and a great wife I remain 200% committed to recovery.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#339968 - 09/10/10 09:59 AM Re: This is Tough [Re: kb8715]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
I'm sitting at roughly the 8 week mark since going into my recovery from CSA issues. Though it has been some of the roughest days of my life I thank God everyday for giving me the strenght to start healing. All of my acting out behaivors are behind me, though I often feel tremendous sorrow for relying on them in past. At times I feel hopeful about the future ahead and of course on other days very sad about my abuse and it's effect.

Therapy, Faith, great family, MS, and some meds are helping me along. Thanks to everyone here and be well.....



Edited by kb8715 (09/10/10 10:20 AM)
_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#339970 - 09/10/10 10:27 AM Re: This is Tough [Re: kb8715]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
kb,

When we accept what has happened to us and begin to understand the effect it has had on our lives, we have to grieve. Let yourself grieve and feel and eventually you'll begin to focus more on the future than the past.

We all have such different stories, but we go through some very similar things. I'm grieving for a part of me that I didn't realized was so profoundly injured until earlier this year.

I'm so glad to hear of your progress and all the support you are getting.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#339972 - 09/10/10 10:37 AM Re: This is Tough [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Your sentiments reflect mine - almost 100%.

We are pretty much the same time frame also.

I am sober from porn/sex addiction 13 months - thanks to 12-steps.

Good wife who is supportive.

Faith that God will help me thru this.

About 5 months on this site and csa counseling.


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#340093 - 09/12/10 10:23 AM Re: This is Tough [Re: Sobernow]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 286
Guys faith and God will turn your life around as it has done mine. There is light and hope at the end of the tunnel, ive been where you have been i have felt the pain , guilt, sorry and saddness during my recovery as you are feeling now ,keep working on your recovery i know its tought ,and look to the day when you will have peace and rest in your mind and body.

James

_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#340097 - 09/12/10 11:22 AM Re: This is Tough [Re: james 1959]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
There is such good advice, real understanding and compassion here, it really is a blessing.

Much of what you experienced during your time of CSA was likely too much for the kid you were to deal with. Now as a man you can help yourself and the wounded child you were with the very real pain and sorrow that are a result of that unfortunate abuse. When I was working on my early recovery and trying to minamalize or deny just how bad it was, I could remind myself that the sadness, the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the anger, and the shame were all proof of how real it all was and just how damaging. KB, the hard stuff is all part of the process of healing too, it is very difficult, but so necessary to get beyond all the bad feelings which have been and are hurting you still. I'm sorry you have to go through any of this, the abuses that caused our problems were terribly unfair. Trust in what the others here have shared, there is light and peace and a better life ahead for you. You are already doing the important work, are on your way and will eventually arrive where it is you need to be.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#341609 - 10/07/10 08:24 AM Update: This is Tough [Re: 1.healing]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
I'm sitting at the 90 day point in recovery this week. In many ways it's been the toughest days of my life and yet I'm so thnakful to be dealing with the issues CSA caused.

I still have no desire to act out and truly don't think I ever will relapse to my demons. But I often still feel profoundly sad for my past behaivors (I guess alot of us do). Therapy continues to be helpful. I've worked on my inner child and found some relief through hypnosis too. My wife continues to be very supportive though does not want to know the details. I sure can't blame her for that. I've gone through the triggers, nightmares and flashbacks, which really are awful, and have forgiven the clergy who abused me (he's no longer alive). I can't understand why he did it to me though. The damage done is so real. I'm working through anger directed towards my parents for unknowingly placing me in a postion to be abused too.

I'm trying hard to stay positive. Some days it's still tough but I do know I am making progress, with lots of work still to do. I feel that God was there for me when I hit my own rock bottom and has given me this opportunity to heal. I consider that a blessing and thank God daily for recovery.

Being a part of MS has helped a lot. So many times when I felt alone obsessing about my issues I'd find in chat or in a forum that I of course was never alone and never unique.

I need to start letting go of the past and learn again to enjoy today and the future. This is still very tough but I have truly learned that a bad day in recovery is so much better than any day not.

Many thanks to everyone here and be well all.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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