Today I am feeling very sad and angry over all I have lost: intimacy, stability, a second child, pride, honesty, time, real love, safety.....
Where are the voices of the spouses who have lost some of the above because we were married (w/out my knowledge at the time of our marriage) to a survivor? I'm sorry he's survived all he has survived, but I am more sorry for myself.

I don't know if you still come on here but I am one of those spouses. We were married 6 years ago and I didn't find out until 2 years ago. We will not have children now because we haven't had sex in 4 years and he isn't getting any therapy and really is still in denial about how this has affected him. We are not imtimate and sleep in seperate bedrooms, no cuddling, kissing, etc. I no lon ger feel safe because he won't deal with his past and this influences his career, communication skills, etc. I feel so alone and isolated. I am very grateful to this site for the support.

I am sorry you feel alone...both of you. I feel sorry for what I've been through, but I can't say (I don't think) that I feel any less sorry for the survivor. Neither of us chose to be victims, directly or indirectly, of the abuse. Still, I totally understand the feeling of loss.

Thank you for your response and understanding. I feel more pain for my husband than myself and want him to be happy more than anything in the world. I know that I can only stand by and support and that he has to want it too.

I haven't been on MS for awhile now. My high school sweetheart returned to my life after 35 years telling me he loved me wanted a life together then shared his story with me of abuse and insist. He traveled across the country to start a life with me. Only when he returned to our hometown the memories were so difficult for him, he went into a zone. We are not together now, he doesn't want T. he doesn't want recovery and it would appear he doesn't want me. He does pursue online sexual relationships with men. The fairy tale died but my heart still goes out to him. To all of us who have been hurt. As his friend I want to help him. I tried to understand the emotional distance but the betrayal I couldn't overlook even though it was online. How do you cope, find hope and support a man who has not survived only exsist as a victim. He is so depressed, he won't work, talk to family, get help, he started drinking again, the online thing, basically he rents a room from a old friend he may leave occasionaly to get a coffee or a bit to eat then stays in his room. Our connection has now evolved into text messages if I contact him. He has shut himself off from me, his family and friends. I'm so worried for him.

I am so sorry for his pain and yours. It's good that you're not together anymore if he won't seek help. It sounds like he has boxed himself into a safety hole and is too afraid to come out. Only he can know when, or if, he will ever be ready. It is so hard to stand by and watch someone you love hurt and know there is hope, if they will seek help. God Bless you both!

This may sound counterintuitive, but I wouldn't let the online thing bother me. My dear friend that was abused, he goes online, but it is almost only online, and he gets his CSA-caused fetish satisfied, and then he's back to the rest of the world.

Really, I wouldn't let that hurt me. These men are used to compartmentalizing their lives, and I can get used to it to, if they can.

They give what they've got.

Thank you for your input. It is all so confusing and complicated.
I have tried locating a support group for companions of men who have been abused. I can't seen to locate any. But did get a little feed back about starting one on this site. Are there any who would be interested in a support group?
I don't want to give up on him. I keep praying for him.
Thanks again for the support

I don't think it's helpful to say that the fetish is satisfied "almost only online" and that's okay. It's not okay for the partner of the survivor.

I have to agree that the online thing would not be OK for me either. If he can't give you what you need then why is it OK to go elsewhere? There is a brand new website for friends and family just started by someone who was on this site and saw the need. It is hero4him.proboards.com.

Dear HopeFuture:
I think you mistook me. What I'm saying is, IF he is otherwise treating you well, holding up his end, but he spends some time on the computer satisfying his fetish, I think that's okay.

I'm not saying, if he's totally leaving you on your own, that's okay. But I know, from learning this "game" these men like to play, the ones who suffered the worst abuse as a child, that they really had different moods, which can be different personalities. What one personality or mood likes, is different than what the other likes. Seriously. And this friend of mine, if he likes you in one persona, he will NOT like you in his other persona. So, I don't see how you can be all things to these men.

Soooo, if his main mood likes you, and takes care of you, and mostly keeps his alter personality boxed in, and only expresses it over the computer and telephone, then that would be acceptable to me.

To marry someone basically tortured as a child, you are going to have to have tolerance. And if they won't give you what you need (like a child), then move on, because you're not a match.

Disappointed

As someone who has had to deal with the online thing, I also feel that it is not ok. It hurts you and makes you feel like you aren't enough or even the right on for these men. Even my husband says it's wrong and not ok.

That is my point. One woman cannot be enough for some of them, because they have two personalities in one person. And each personality has different needs from women. One is a more typical, and the other may express his sexuality through addiction to a fetish. For some, their alters desire intense humiliation, or whatever. So, now, if your his wife, who respects him, it would be hard for you to be the girl of his alter's dreams, who humiliates him!!!

I realize that I'm alot more freewheeling in my thinking and acceptance than most. I understand that. And I'm not saying it's right for you. I'm simply saying this is the nature of some of my friends -- the ones with the worst trauma, for sure, have moods with polar criteria for finding women attractive. They need at least two relationships- one of which will be VERY part-time, on-line, and strictly boxed in. The other, where they will be appear pretty normal, and uphold their obligations, and spend most of their time.

And my dear friend, one of his moods has written to me that he "hates" his other mood, because the other mood is much stronger, and won't let the weaker mood out much. When he wrote that to me, I was dumbfounded for a bit.

My best advice is to seek out support groups where you can identify with the participants-my wife has support from her twelve step fellowships and relationships with many women working a program of recovery and healing.

She doesn't try to figure me out or fix me-but she does expect me to show up in our marriage and for my life-I have to take care of myself if I am to be able to be a good husband - she has a right to expect that. I know my depression was draining on her and sapped her faith in me and wounded her little girl inside-that is part of the journey of healing. I need q program and support. So does she-and then we can work on our life together.

It's hard to be intimate with someone shut down locked up inside
And frozen in fear deep down past the anger and depression-I had to dig deep to access my emotions -now I can feel, relate, and be intimate in my marriage.

There is help and support and hope out there-reach for it.

this whole thread, and others in F&F has dumbfounded me for more than a bit....and not in a good way.

I have given a partial answer in my post:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=344732#Post344732

In DID or multiple personality disorder, the different alters or personalities can be totally oblivious to the others. That is, they don't know they even exist. So it's not an act.

Allen

pufferfish