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#338577 - 08/18/10 03:44 PM Where are the losses from the friends and family?
Sad in the Midwe Offline


Registered: 12/23/09
Posts: 19
Today I am feeling very sad and angry over all I have lost: intimacy, stability, a second child, pride, honesty, time, real love, safety.....
Where are the voices of the spouses who have lost some of the above because we were married (w/out my knowledge at the time of our marriage) to a survivor? I'm sorry he's survived all he has survived, but I am more sorry for myself.


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#344088 - 11/04/10 08:59 AM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: Sad in the Midwe]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
I don't know if you still come on here but I am one of those spouses. We were married 6 years ago and I didn't find out until 2 years ago. We will not have children now because we haven't had sex in 4 years and he isn't getting any therapy and really is still in denial about how this has affected him. We are not imtimate and sleep in seperate bedrooms, no cuddling, kissing, etc. I no lon ger feel safe because he won't deal with his past and this influences his career, communication skills, etc. I feel so alone and isolated. I am very grateful to this site for the support.


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#344170 - 11/05/10 12:14 AM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: hopefuture]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I am sorry you feel alone...both of you. I feel sorry for what I've been through, but I can't say (I don't think) that I feel any less sorry for the survivor. Neither of us chose to be victims, directly or indirectly, of the abuse. Still, I totally understand the feeling of loss.


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#344186 - 11/05/10 06:56 AM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: hopeandtry]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
Thank you for your response and understanding. I feel more pain for my husband than myself and want him to be happy more than anything in the world. I know that I can only stand by and support and that he has to want it too.


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#344189 - 11/05/10 08:08 AM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: hopefuture]
9231956 Offline


Registered: 06/08/10
Posts: 10
Loc: south east
I haven't been on MS for awhile now. My high school sweetheart returned to my life after 35 years telling me he loved me wanted a life together then shared his story with me of abuse and insist. He traveled across the country to start a life with me. Only when he returned to our hometown the memories were so difficult for him, he went into a zone. We are not together now, he doesn't want T. he doesn't want recovery and it would appear he doesn't want me. He does pursue online sexual relationships with men. The fairy tale died but my heart still goes out to him. To all of us who have been hurt. As his friend I want to help him. I tried to understand the emotional distance but the betrayal I couldn't overlook even though it was online. How do you cope, find hope and support a man who has not survived only exsist as a victim. He is so depressed, he won't work, talk to family, get help, he started drinking again, the online thing, basically he rents a room from a old friend he may leave occasionaly to get a coffee or a bit to eat then stays in his room. Our connection has now evolved into text messages if I contact him. He has shut himself off from me, his family and friends. I'm so worried for him.


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#344288 - 11/06/10 06:10 AM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: 9231956]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
I am so sorry for his pain and yours. It's good that you're not together anymore if he won't seek help. It sounds like he has boxed himself into a safety hole and is too afraid to come out. Only he can know when, or if, he will ever be ready. It is so hard to stand by and watch someone you love hurt and know there is hope, if they will seek help. God Bless you both!


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#344322 - 11/06/10 11:40 AM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: hopefuture]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
This may sound counterintuitive, but I wouldn't let the online thing bother me. My dear friend that was abused, he goes online, but it is almost only online, and he gets his CSA-caused fetish satisfied, and then he's back to the rest of the world.

Really, I wouldn't let that hurt me. These men are used to compartmentalizing their lives, and I can get used to it to, if they can.

They give what they've got.

_________________________
Female.

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#344349 - 11/06/10 03:06 PM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: Disappointed]
9231956 Offline


Registered: 06/08/10
Posts: 10
Loc: south east
Thank you for your input. It is all so confusing and complicated.
I have tried locating a support group for companions of men who have been abused. I can't seen to locate any. But did get a little feed back about starting one on this site. Are there any who would be interested in a support group?
I don't want to give up on him. I keep praying for him.
Thanks again for the support


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#344351 - 11/06/10 03:41 PM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: 9231956]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I don't think it's helpful to say that the fetish is satisfied "almost only online" and that's okay. It's not okay for the partner of the survivor.


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#344403 - 11/07/10 09:42 AM Re: Where are the losses from the friends and family? [Re: hopeandtry]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
I have to agree that the online thing would not be OK for me either. If he can't give you what you need then why is it OK to go elsewhere? There is a brand new website for friends and family just started by someone who was on this site and saw the need. It is hero4him.proboards.com.


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