i been doing really good.
talking ALOT with my doc and doing stuff and saying things i never thught i could.

but new stuff comes out that i dont know how to handle. other than with booze and drugs.

so this weekend was messed up. i went to some group meeting
local to me that my doc told me about which was cool. met some good guys in person, face 2 face stuff, was nerve wracking but cool to be able to do it.
but then made the mistake of going drinking after.
i knew it was not the right thing to do but i did anyway.

i am not going to beat myself up over it. but i paid for
it bigtime with being triggered and nightmares when im
trying to sleep.

i know im making a short story long but the one thing that came up thats just making me feel like crap was the fact that nobody came looking for me.

meaning, that thing that happened in college.
i went missing for more than 3 days. i was supposed to meet up w my (socalled) friends that night and i never showed, nobody called, nobody came looking. i was supposed to go to my real dads place the next day and i never showed. again nobody called, nobody came looking.

nobody cared at all.
in the big picture its not that big of a deal but for
whatever reason it hurts the most.

zak,

sorry that nobody came looking for you...

yes, that is a very painful thought... but, it also tells me that you are working through it... you're trying to understand why. you may never know the "why" but it shows that you are fighting to make some sense out of things. to bring some kind of order to the disorder that happened...

that's good... you're still in the fight.. you're not giving up... i LIKE that!!! you still have hope!!! if you didn't then those questions, thoughts, you put out there well, you wouldn't be having them...

progress zak!... keep it going! proud of ya!!

That stinks that this happened to you, Zak. It makes me think of people who act like friends until a test comes along, then they are nowhere to be found. It amazes me how many folks would leave us hung out to dry when we least expect it, in most any circle in life.

thx. im not looking for an answer why
there is no answer and even if there was it wouldnt be a good enough one ever so

it just feels really really bad to me, like i wasnt worth enough to anybody to stop for a second and wonder where i was.

but yea im working thru it so.

like i said its not a big deal. just bad feelings i hafto figure out what to do with.

Some times Zak when we see the real picture in life its hard to deal with. i know its a blow to you those you thought were your friends, they didnt show up when they were needed, we learn someting new every day , but nobody is perfect including my self and your friends, what we have to do in life is learn from our mistakes ,you should talk to them and let them know how you feel, you have nothing to lose, and if they are true friends they will be there next time and i do feel this matters to you other wise you would not have posted it.


Take care

James

Yep, thats a bitter feeling. I wonder why nobody cared too.

S

I am convinced we have just been hanging out with the wrong folks!!! The way you are or any of your preceived flaws is not why anyone did not come looking for you Zak. You have entered a brotherhood, albeit the price was high, but you have a family now. BTW Castle and I were together this weekend, and your name came up many times. Nothing bad LOL. You were just on our mind little brother!

Hi, my fraternal brother, Zak,

Real sad, to hear that nobody (friends), cared for you.

But, you have 7940 fraternal brothers here in MS.

Probably most (all)? got here, because the right people didn't care. Parents, relatives & friends.

I/we went looking for some one to care about us. Unfortunately we found the wrong person.
I know that my Ralph cared about me, because he told me so.
So didn't those strangers, they told me so.

We, boys/men have paid a high price because the right people didn't care. They told me so.

Rest assured my fraternal brother Zak, I do care about you.

I care for all my fraternal brothers here, as they do for me.

My, brother Zak, i do care & love you. As i do all my fraternal brothers here.

Heal well, my brother Zak, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Zak:
In my case -- i had spent so much time isolating - as a way to cope -- and also hide my porn/sex addiction ----- that I really have not had any friends since I left high school.

Like you - I want to be missed ------- and even some people that claim they love me and are concerned for me --- i can't bring myself to believe they really do.

Not sure if this helps you.
But it helps me to write it out.

wanted to come back and say hi.

sorry i havent been around.
trying to get my stuff in order for the winter.

i read this again and want to say thx for the replies.

its been hard for me to figure it out and especially
to accept that ya ok maybe some ppl care. i know ppl
here care cuz ive come and gone but the same guys who
cared about me from the beginning still do.
and im pretty sure i met a couple in real life who care.
guess its not hard to accept that some people care, its more hard to let myself be cared about. if that makes any sense.

guess im still afraid to make a real friend. i mean what if
i do, what if i take that chance and something happens and im
let down again? dissapointed again? i mean how many times can
i put myself in a situation where im gonna get hurt somehow?
but if i dont ever take the chance, how will i know?
and how long can i expect people to wait around for me to
figure out the crazy in my head?
and am i even worth the effort?
ugh

its messed up. things get a lot better then they
get a lot worse and i just dont know what to expect
or who im even gonna be from one day 2 the next.
its confusing.

Thanks for writing out whats been in my head recently, saved me the trouble.

The truth of it is...yes, I do care about you. That's why I'm happy when I see you've posted or you pop up to chat. Keep up the good fight bro, I'm not going anywhere. See ya around

Shane

anytime

i care about you - and am glad to hear back from you today.

My, brother Zak,

Welcome back..Welcome HOME..That's how i feel, here i am HOME.

You still have my compassion, understanding & love.
You can count on it.

My, brother, Zak, you have this Irishmooses, love.

Heal well my brother, Zak, heal well.....again welcome HOME.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Hi Zak,

On the making friends thing, I hear and understand you there. For so long, I kept everyone at arm's length because I was afraid of what they would want from me, and also afraid they would eventually abandon the friendship if they saw me as I saw me. It's hard to make ourselves vulnerable like that, it really is. But it's pretty guaranteed what the results will be if we don't - no friendships. So it's a risk we take and sure, there will be some who will let us down terribly. But some of them will also exceed our expectations greatly, so it's been we'll worth the risk for me. All the best to you.

My heart hurts with you Zak