As child of 11, raped by "minister of God," "a director of Uncles at Large, (not repeated thing, neither submissive nor cooperative, forced, frozen in fear--one time thing,--ran into 40 below winter in bare feet half dressed when saw chance to escape.) When told "priets don't do that" I reacted, and while he walked the streets, I was locked up in psychiatirc hospital for children with "behavioral problems" in Toronto in 70's. File transferred to Ottawa until kicked out by Roman catholic mother at 14.
Diagnosis as child = manic-depressive, treatment = lithium--and no one discussed issues in order to protect me--the problem was me.
At 14, lived on streets with violence, death, drugs, alcohol, and crime all around me. Survived again and became Airbone Infantry soldier. When discharged, became Peace Officer. When crashed and burned was guarding inmate who turned out to be pedophile by his own admission--something snapped in me. I took three steps towards him with murder in my heart--I almost crossed the line...but something inside me stopped me. I called for backup and relief and pretty much lost my mind shortly thereafter.
Had been airborne infantry, so I began to hunt perp...fortunately for me, he died of other causes before I could doubletap him. Lost career, lots of triggers, number of suicide attempts (hate myself when angry, feel like loser, feel everyone looks down on me in disgust.) hypervigilance, total lack of trust, deep depression preceeded by feelings of impending doom, self-mutilation and self-sabotage, avoidance, flashbacks of not just that hell, but compunded by many more lifethreatening situations--docs say too many to unravel, night terrors, in and out of hosptial.
Diagnosis as adult = Severe and Prolonged PTSD compunded with Major Depressive Episodes and Suicidal Ideation. Treatment = lost career in law enforcement, valium as needed (Paxil made me act out more,) Viagara (but never take cause don't want sex...even with wife,) told not to pursue treatment involving drawing out incident, as too many others come with it and I craqsh and burn each time. Basicaly, I'm f*cked, and at times pose a danger to myself and others--so I keep myself isolated as needed.
A Church is not a resort for saints; it is a hospital for sinners.