Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Blank (36), christx (41), Heartonfire (38), Nathan LaChine (31)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 23 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63124 Topics
441426 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#338208 - 08/12/10 10:26 PM My sexual identity problems
Mistahnuff Offline


Registered: 08/11/10
Posts: 27
Loc: Malden
I have trouble defining myself sexually, this is a very generic statement but it's the truth. I find it hard in general to discern my own emotions and It becomes troubling when I start thinking about my sexual identity. I don't believe i'm gay, I enjoy sex with women and female company but, I have thoughts every so often that lead me to question that. The question is what kills me the most. I mostly shoot it down in my own head but it's still there.

_________________________
Healing is a matter of time. Time is a matter of the mind.

Top
#338257 - 08/13/10 03:48 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: Mistahnuff]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5777
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
M:
This issue has been discussed around here a number of times. There have been some terrific discussions particularly around "labels are for cans".

You might want to do some searching in the archives to see what folks (many who are not around here anymore) have said. Hopefully, there will be some good discussion here with the current members.


Top
#338444 - 08/16/10 06:19 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
stefalc1 Offline


Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
hi
i have same issues im 38 and as i get older i guess i read more into it. it does have a profund affect you believe you look at guys sexually when im not so sure we o . i try to think about how i would ettle down with a guy and would it be right i can only come up with no. i do get sexually aroused by men though which i find tough but sometimes i want to give in and ust do it.
this site is very supportive hard to talk anywhere else.
but do you know what i still dont understand all of it and how it has affected me.


take care


Top
#338762 - 08/21/10 08:24 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: stefalc1]
Mistahnuff Offline


Registered: 08/11/10
Posts: 27
Loc: Malden
Thanks for your comments guys. stefalc, I've never found myself sexually aroused by a man personally, it's more that I feel awkward overall. I don't feel comfortable with myself. I acutally find that in my head I know for sure that I'm not gay or even Bi for that matter. but the fact that i question it troubles me sometimes. I think I create the problem more than anything I wish it would just go away.

_________________________
Healing is a matter of time. Time is a matter of the mind.

Top
#338888 - 08/24/10 02:55 AM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: Mistahnuff]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 148
Loc: Minnesota
As many of us have found, male sexuality on this website has a myriad of complexities, subtleties, debates and opinions.

It may be as simple as a natural response to homosexual csa that occurred during your sexual formative years or as complex as bisexuality that would have resulted w/ or w/out the molestation.

Odds are most of us were heading towards heterosexuality before our csa but some of us may have already had sexual attraction to the same or both sexes already hardwired.

Personally, I feel that I was headed towards heterosexuality before my abuse. Due to my csa, I am now about 85-90% hetero and around 10-15% homosexual in terms of my attraction. While I didn't chose it, I have come to accept it as part of my sexual make-up which has served to help in healing from my abuse astronomically.

Thanks to my fantastic therapist, I now simply accept all sexual thoughts as equal, acknowledge them and then since I am married, let the homosexual images just fade back into my brain.

I've said these things before but reiterated them for those who have not seen them before.

Take care and don't worry too much about what others see you as but how you see yourself. Only when you become secure in who you are regardless of what others think of you can you reach self-actualization and become the man you've always been but didn't see until it was time to be revealed.

Your brother.

Jay


_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Top
#341051 - 09/29/10 02:08 AM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: Mistahnuff]
LucianF Offline


Registered: 09/29/10
Posts: 5
Loc: New York City
Possible Triggers**

I am new to this forum, new to facing my abuse, and new to grappling with my sexuality orientation. All three of these things come as a shock to me, because up until recently I stupidly believed that my abuse by a priest from the ages of 10 to 12 had no impact on my adult life. I was wrong.

Two years ago, I started having vidid dreams about my abuse. But these dreams were different than the ones I had as a child. As I kid, I had dreams that re-enacted my abuse, but I was always observing the events from a distance -- like it was happening to someone else, not me. But, the dreams I starting having recently were different, came on like a wave, and only intensified with time. In these recent dreams, the abuse was happening to me. I was reliving the abuse for the first time, from smells to settings to textures. The level of detail that I had locked away was crazy.

These dreams came forth at an incredibly stressful time in my life. My wife and I were facing death and illness on both sides of our families, and we were barely keeping it together. All of this stress somehow pushed my past forward. My wife never knew about my abuse. No one ever knew about it, and I was ashamed, not only to tell her, but to admit that it had triggered a strong attraction to men. I had fleeting feelings towards men at different points in my life, but I never felt like it was something that I was fighting against. I am very attracted to women and still am. My only gay experience was with an older, alcoholic priest. But, these feelings were different, and almost compulsive if that makes sense.

I went online and started looking at gay porn, months later met a guy I felt like I could trust, and starting an affair. (It is hard for me to even type these words.) Up until this point I had never cheated on past girlfriends or my wife. Because this guy was completely outside of my life, I was able to talk to him about my abuse and formed a friendship and ultimately a sexually relationship. For eight months, I was living two completely separate lives and felt worse than I have in my entire life. It was a bizarre mixture of shame, fear, exhaustion, and excitement. Strangely enough, I never believed that this affair would impact my marriage. I loved her and still do more than anyone else. I believed that this secret relationship would run its course and be gone just like the abuse was for me for so many years.

My wife found out what was going on and confronted me. (Worst day of my life.) I told her about the abuse, ended the relationship with the guy, and amazingly we are still together, although just barely. We are each in individual therapy and couples therapy to see if we have a future together. I love her and want our marriage to work, but I also have to acknowledge that I was capable of having this affair... with a man. What does it mean for me? Does this make me gay, bi?

Now, there is immense pressure for me to give her clarity about my sexuality and soon. Am I 70% straight and 30% gay? Or, am I 30% straight and 70% gay? Or, am I 50% straight and 50% gay? Honestly, at this point I have no idea. I don't trust my self-awareness for the first time in my life. I know that therapy will get me some resolution, but I worry that it will not come fast enough. If I knew the answer I would tell her. I don't want us to be in this horrible place forever or again in the future. Neither of us could take it. But, this is a lot of shit to drudge through.

Anyway, that is where I am. Undecided, with my life in total shambles.

I also wanted to thank everyone for their posts. It means a lot to know that you're not alone.








Top
#341066 - 09/29/10 09:47 AM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: LucianF]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (04/01/11 11:22 AM)

Top
#341072 - 09/29/10 11:09 AM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
stefalc1 Offline


Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
well put down Lucian
i have trouble with the same things but find it hard to write down correctly.
i recently had a massive bust up with gf and then started looking properly for guysto find out. before hand i was looking at gay porn too. i got back with gf and things felt so right and natural , even sleeping with her that i felt comfortable and stopped looking at gay porn , i do however at the moment have a lot of stress workwise and for some reason i have started looking at guys again but not porn, and feel some interest but i know in my mind i want to be with gf this is really head destroying stuff.
however i feel a little safer knowing the gf is reading books and understanding me more, it has created a more relaxed enviroment for me and i can be more relaxed and less angry because if i wanted to talk it through with her i now know i can, so i suppose what i`m trying to say is, the counselling you are getting within your relationship can only help you both get to a better place of understanding.
when i acted out i felt very different after than i did before i acted out. i think it was the chase and like you say the compulsion to act rather than a loving interest.And it is the second time in 6 yrs i have done it. i`m starting counselling soon when a place is available so i`m a little anxious but hope this time i get somewhere.
i hope all goes well for you and your wife with the future.


Top
#341086 - 09/29/10 01:16 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
LucianF Offline


Registered: 09/29/10
Posts: 5
Loc: New York City
Thanks for the reply, Shaun.

You're right. My post reads like a cautionary tale for anyone who have not dealt with their abuse and and the morass of emotions tied to it. I wish I knew all of this before everything broke down, but what can I do.

My wife and I are now discussing a trial separation, which scares the hell out of me. I will keep you posted on where things shake out for me and for me and my wife. If you ever need to vent, you can always send me an email through the MS site. I know how hard it is to be going through this. I am living it at the moment.

_________________________
I may not be better than other people, but at least I'm different. -- Rousseau

Top
#341087 - 09/29/10 01:18 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: stefalc1]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
Just want to say thanks to all the men on this discussion thread for their honesty.
I can completely relate.
I am nearing age 50 and I can recall my entire life being a tug between heterosexuality and homosexuality (and, as well, sometimes being completely "untugged" in a life of heterosexuality). I am now convinced that I could have either a man or a woman as a lifetime partner (it feels quite odd to see that statement in print for the first time), and enjoy immensely that relationship.
I am married (to a woman), and am happy in my marriage, and very much want to stay in this relationship. But I have spent my share of time searching, being curious, being compulsive, masturbating excessively, being ashamed, and sometimes being "ok" with it, until ultimately my compulsions became addictions.
I've spent quite a few hours (millions?) trying to understand what role my CSA had in determining my sexuality. I now believe that it was not "just" my CSA, but tons of other factors in addition to my CSA that played a role in shaping my sexuality. I find it freeing to release all of that worry and "figuring out," and just accept who I am: a complex, creative, healing man who has much to offer. Of course, that is easier said than done, and I have to keep reminding myself.
But it's altogether a "more productive and healthy" state of mind than treating CSA as a puzzle piece in some sort of cause-and-effect analysis. I formerly believed that if I could just "figure it out," then I could "fix it" and become 100 percent heterosexual. I no longer believe that it works that way.
I will add that my same-sex acting out was for the most part, quite unhealthy for me, as I was seeking to recreate the acts of my abuse. I now believe that if I were to seek a loving (and sexual) relationship with a man, that I would pursue it on different (that is, "healthy") terms. I would want my partner to be loving and supportive and safe, with our mutual best interests in mind, rather than him being a stereotypical (in the porn world) "top man."
I find it interesting that if I were to stray from my marriage commitment (clearly NOT my plan, but this is for the sake of argument), then the potential candidates for my infidelity (women AND men) would be twice as many as compared to a straight man! And, so, like was said in the earlier posting in this thread, I have learned (am learning) to treat all outside extramarital lust-thoughts as "equal," and to let them "fade" away, instead of acting out on them or being afraid of them - or beating myself up over them.

I apologize for the length of this post. I got going and couldn't stop! I hope this is helpful.


_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


Top
#341088 - 09/29/10 01:20 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: westsidej]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
Originally Posted By: westsidej
Thanks to my fantastic therapist, I now simply accept all sexual thoughts as equal, acknowledge them and then since I am married, let the homosexual images just fade back into my brain.

Jay, this was well-said. Thank you for your post.

_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


Top
#341089 - 09/29/10 01:22 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: stefalc1]
LucianF Offline


Registered: 09/29/10
Posts: 5
Loc: New York City
I am glad you are seeking out a therapist, stefalc1. Two of the hardest parts about having these confused feelings are the isolation and shame. It has been good for me to unburden myself by talking with a therapist. I have even confided in one close friend, which was incredibly hard to do. But in the end, it was good for me to feel less alone, and know that people will stick by me... even if I feel like I don't deserve it.

Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk.

_________________________
I may not be better than other people, but at least I'm different. -- Rousseau

Top
#341092 - 09/29/10 01:59 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: LucianF]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Lucian -

Focus on your issues, don't try to self-medicate by offering advice to other people yet. You aren't in a position to. I say that coming from the place where I tried to tune my pain out by offering advice and in the end, it just doesn't work out. You work on you and your marriage first. You weren't doing that before and that's part of the reason you're where you are now.

I'm being blunt and direct but I care - hope things go well with the wife.


Top
#341095 - 09/29/10 02:18 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
LucianF Offline


Registered: 09/29/10
Posts: 5
Loc: New York City
I hear you, Shaun. I will be mindful of the self-medicating path. If I have learned anything about my self in the past few months, it's that I am a first-class avoider.

_________________________
I may not be better than other people, but at least I'm different. -- Rousseau

Top
#341097 - 09/29/10 02:56 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: LucianF]
Max10 Offline


Registered: 09/28/10
Posts: 69
Loc: Oregon
I'm another newbie to this forum and I too have struggled with my sexuality for as long as I can remember. I am different then most men and I don't like it. When I was a young boy my 1st experience with having my junk played with was the pediatrician checking my ballsack for my testicles as they had not dropped when they were supposed to. I recall they dropped when I was around 8 and because of this I'm sterile and do not produce any testosterone. Nobody said a thing when I didn't go thru puberty at the right age and I was ashamed of my ladylike body. Dirty old men seemed to tune into me when I was 10 or 11. I didn't know what was wrong with me but I knew I was unique. In my teen years I assumed I was gay because only men were attracted to me and I really didn't have much sexual urges of anykind. When I was 19 a friend bumped my breast while wrestling and it hurt. Went to a doctor to find out I had breast tissue and no testosterone, had a mastectomy and started on male hormone shots. I had a very hard time dealing with the feelings coursing through my veins and in my mind. (I still do 32 yrs later)I went to therapy for 3 years at UCLA....I don't remember much of it if any. Men continued to have their way with me, I was involved in porn films, made to do many things with fat old men.
In 1983 I moved to Oregon where nobody knew of my past. I wasn't aware of the fact that no matter where you go, there you are. Within a year I had my 1st marriage to a female and 6 months later divorced. Two years passed and got married to future ex-wife #2...though our love was deep we couldn't make it work partly due to my lack of fertile sperm and her desire to have kids and my desire to stay away from having kids! LOL
I have had a few other relationships with women but finally gave up within the last 10 years. Been single and solo since. Been trying to figure me out...I'm very attracted to men but don't have the courage to go further. Not interested in anything more than looking with women. I admire their beauty...'nice ass'...thoughts like that but that's all. I look at the ads on craigslist for m2m hoping I'll meet someone. What a joke.
I've decided it's time to turn off my sexual urges and so yesterday I informed my doctor that I won't be doing the testosterone shots anymore. I want my sexual urges to go away. I'm tired of wacking off looking at porn. I don't want to be bi, gay, or straight. I don't want sexual thoughts anymore. They haven't helped me in any way and if anything they have destroyed my life. I want to live my life simply and continue creating beautiful art and beautiful gardens. Not many men can turn of their hormones....I can and will.
My emotions are getting intense from writing this so i must stop. Wish I had someone to help me thru this time that could hold me while I cry but i don't have anyone I feel safe with at this time.

_________________________
Have a wonderful day.....no matter what!

~Max10~
~ I am not a victim...I am a survivor! ~

Top
#341098 - 09/29/10 03:14 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: EvanCan]
Dogs&Gods Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
LucianF I too wonder about my percentage.

I have never really acted out with a man except for mst'ed in a steam room 6 years ago.

Anyhow my wife found I was looking at ads and had that same tuff talk.

I am in T and love her deeply but still have ssa. I am most likely 20% interested in exploring this side of my personality but I bury it. It is not worth lossing my wife and family.

It is a tough decision but I hope that it is one that I will grow more and more proud of as I get older.

Thanks for your posts.

_________________________
Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

Top
#341100 - 09/29/10 03:22 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: LucianF]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

Great topic. Well for me, it was always there just under the conscious level all my life, until August of 2008, when all hell broke loose on this CSA stuff.

I had absolutely no upbringing from some one to teach me those vital skills of emotions & social feelings.
I had for the most part nothing to do with girls/females until i was about 27 yrs old. With the exception for one, i never had any emotions for girls/females.
I got one pregnant & I married her, she gave me two sons. Here i am at 33 years old, and i am an instant husband/father. We brought up our boys together. I did the best that i knew how.

But, there was never any emotional connection between myself & my wife. But i had tons of emotions for my boys, always telling them that i love them. When they hurt, I did too. When they cried, i did too. When they came to me i helped them with their fears.
Now, i was married for 36 years (now separated). When all this stuff came out & i had a therapist he invited my wife to come with me. She & i went. I let her do all the talking. And did i get an ear full.
Long story short.. Pete was a great father to his boys & grandsons. He always told them that he loved them &gave them kisses. But, doctor, he almost never said those things to me. When i almost died from cancer, he showed no remorse for me. He never helped me in my pain, both physical & mentally.


I loved my perpetrator, for 55+ years. I was his between 8-14 years old. I was my "mom's" between 5-10 years old.

I was for the most part in a male dominated environment, from 10 years old onward to today.
My wife said something to me, after i told her about my CSA, she had kept telling me that we just can't keep living like this (me and my violent flashbacks), i agreed. Then she said this to me. "So, you want to leave me and go marry a man."
Well, i was taken aback on that. I had never gave her any indication that would have caused her remark.
But, now I finally realise that she had seen something in me for those 36 years, that i didn't.
I love males. I told her about a homosexual affair that i had at 18 years old. I liked it. Just as much as i loved those forbidden pleasures that Ralph had given me. And how much i enjoyed more homosexual affairs within the last 2 years.

I, was never meant to have been married in the first place. I never had any emotional connections towards a female, with the possible exception for about 5 that i have met in my life.

It took me 69 1/2 years to find my true sexuality. Gay..That's where my emotions and my sexuality come together in my heart & soul. I love men. I didn't know me until now.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As He is Me.

To, my brothers here still struggling with their sexuality, i offer you my compassion, understanding & love. For you, in your struggle.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

Pete.. Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#341149 - 09/30/10 06:43 AM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: EvanCan]
stefalc1 Offline


Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
that makes a lot of sense Evan. think that will help some of us work stuff out.


Top
#341384 - 10/04/10 12:53 AM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: stefalc1]
cpt. confusion Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 159
Loc: midwest
timing on you all sharing what you have in this thread could not be more apt for me- today was one of the worst days in my life. Lucian, i thought you were writing my story for me. I too have had many years of dealing with sexual confusion-frustration, and also acted on it against my marital commitment. well, she found out about it today by finding a couple texts that werent deleted from my phone, and our roller coaster ride of a relationship is plummeting. oddly enough I was already planning to start back up in therapy this week, and boy is the timing of that perfect.

I too found another man that I could talk to, and experiment with-without intentions of it ever going anywhere- and a few months into it I began to realize I enjoyed it more than I anticipated. I havent been in therapy for about 3 years, and because of this affair I knew it was time to get back and figure out what the hell was goin on. I figured I would have to tell my wife at some point, but didnt want it to be like this... she hasnt left me (yet) and is struggling to cope and work through this with me as she's agreed to take this day by day... I just dont know where its going to lead, and have been open with her about that.

I've always thought that my SSA was purely physical-an extension of my abuse and its always been like a compulsion... my experience with this other guy however has really put my sexuality in question, as for the first time in my life I got a glimpse at what things could be like beyond the physical/sexual side of being with another man. I'm scared because of it-but at the same time i see it as an opportunity to truly examine my life, my choices, where I've been and the path I need to be on-and use that reflection as a steering point to guide the rest of my life.

sorry for the length, i didnt intend to hijack your thread, but in the end, noone here is alone-and its hard for me to understand how something like sexual abuse can spur so many commonalities in the paths that we all lead... I've been absent form here for so long, yet one hour back on this site and I'm left to wonder why i've been away so long... thanks for sharing. and for reading.

-cpt.

_________________________
"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use."
-Carlos Castaneda

*WoR Alum
Sequoia I-March '11
Alta II, September '11

Top
#341479 - 10/05/10 01:19 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: cpt. confusion]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
You can see the common components of every story - seems like the SSA begins and ends with this idea of intimacy through sex and CSA survivors have a warped idea of what constitutes intimacy. The need is there, is very real to us and we're trying to fill that need. Sadly, there's no healthy way to do so and so it's back to understanding what's going on from an emotional perspective and filling that need.

Irritating because it feels so real, and yet it doesn't work for us.

I appreciate the bravery you showed to share with us, CC - thanks for doing that.

Hopefully, you're on track with the therapist and that you're also working things out with your wife.


Top
#341643 - 10/07/10 11:20 AM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: EvanCan]
Mistahnuff Offline


Registered: 08/11/10
Posts: 27
Loc: Malden
Thank you guys so much.

This topic and all the post with different perspectives has given me a lot of insight.

I can say that i've never really looked at gay porn, i do have an addiction to porn though that i need to deal with badly. I'm really lucky to have found this site. It helps so much to see that there are people out there going through the same thing as you.

It makes me feel like a person again.

I'm seeking therapy currently, and hopefully that will help sort out any SSA I have. It's not a strong desire, but I do catch myself every so often maybe check out a guy but nothing more.

I think if anything i am bisexual.

Thank you again for all your posts

_________________________
Healing is a matter of time. Time is a matter of the mind.

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.