Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Bear (42), BoyNoMore (56), Daniel_05 (40), James Landrith (44), john kay (41)
Who's Online
9 registered (Drew6991x, Cthulhu, finallyhere, GummyBear, Aptrick, 3 invisible), 19 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63545 Topics
443988 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 4 of 4 < 1 2 3 4
Topic Options
#338514 - 08/17/10 09:38 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
west Offline


Registered: 03/15/10
Posts: 20
Loc: Utah
USMC

Obviously nothing will ever cancel out what has been done to you. Understatement of the year. I think we're all at a loss here to identify with your level of pain. We have ideas based on what's working for us, what we've witnessed in our healing processes, and that's about what we have to go on. Some of us are making the transition from victim to survivor. Some have farther to go than others I guess. We all have that drive to want to 'fix the other guy' but of course that's not in the cards & the best we can do is keep talking and try to relate.

What was your age (range) when you were abused/tortured? Was it family, strangers?

I participate in show n' tells at schools with combat vets who seem to think that I have something worth saying even though the one rocket that I saw was going over my head (the one you can hear is the one that isn't going to get you). After hanging around with them some I have a little bit of an idea how deeply their experience is drilled into their being. For what it may be worth to you there's a song written by a combat guy of my generation on You Tube. Nue Ba Den by Mike Morningstar. It's easy to find. It pretty much heads for the heart with a sharp knife. I like it because it's real honest.

Sounds like you have a good doc & am glad for you about that. Is there a remnant of "the kid within" that you can hold onto? Do you have trustworthy people in your life who "knew you before it happened". Can they talk with you? The perps murdered the child I know. I relate to that.

West

_________________________
West
WoR Sequoia 2010

Top
#338584 - 08/18/10 05:08 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: west]
BuryingJack Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/10
Posts: 101
USMC97 -

I'll start by saying that I haven't read all of your posts, so there is no way I can know what you're going through - your specific situation. What I do know is the things you have written (the ones I have read) make sense to me. I don't know if you are a marine - but I was trained by marine gunny's, and I know that the process of going through that training, has made it more difficult for me to recover. Marines kick ass - and they made me better in some ways - but what I went through as a kid was made more difficult to deal with because of my military training. I'm still trying to figure it out. The point I'm making is that you should not feel as though everything works for everyone else, but it doesn't work for you. The reason you're different is because you've been through much more (I'm assuming here that you're a marine). Whatever you went through on active duty is separate from how you were trained in basic or OCS. The training had an effect on your recovery. Again, sorry if I haven't read everything you have written and I've completely missed details that mean so much to you - but you're a strong guy. I'm not going to tell you anything because I'm a mess myself, but keep working on yourself. Believe that there's innocence in there. Believe that the reason people ask when you're getting another job is because people recognize that you're smarter than you think you are. Good luck man. Don't talk to yourself like a gunny.

Chris
www.buryingjack.com
www.buryingjack.com


Top
#338669 - 08/19/10 08:30 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: BuryingJack]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
West,

The sexual stuff started at about 8 years old and lasted until I was 14 at the latest, other abuse took place before and during this time by someone else. First sexual perp was a boyfriend of my mom's , 2nd came the group who were strangers that kept all of it's members anonymous from me, last was the priest I went to for help.

I don't have much of that inner child stuff, I'm all me without division... adult-like and kid-like all in one. I don't really have anyone in my life who knew me before I became the way I live now which makes it hard for people again to understand me. What I deal with is presently hurting me and not just past stuff that is acceptably intrusive. Not body memories, not nightmares, not anything that others seem to describe. My perps really did murder me as a kid, killed me physically dead, not metaphorically. They then revived me by medical means each time it went that far.

Buryingjack,

I am a Jarhead, my training and most everything about the Corps has not really effected me in the ways you say. More so it separates how people don't grasp how I could have done all that I have said, whereas another Marine of a certain caliber would be more accepting of my efforts and my word, not doubting my integrity especially if they knew me personally. Most civilians have a hard time grasping a true military mentality, identity, and work ethic. I went through more as a kid than I did in the Corps, the Corps saved me even with how hard it was on it's own.

People have asked me about the job thing because the majority of people can't see passed what they want to see. I'm disabled and have a lot of chronic physical pain but keep myself physically fit, my appearance does not take away the things that make me unable to provide for myself.

They do not ask out of encouragement, it is purely based on their choices to remain oblivious. If I've told someone for 9 years that I'm on disability, who are they to deem that I am just lazy and taking advantage of some system? It's not a title and position that I want to be classified under but it is reality. I have so many limitations that I can't count them, I can't explain all of them, none of them are in effect because of my lack of will or effort... it is just how things are but it seems like all are able to judge what I can and can't do, and the why and why nots of my daily life. I know my talents and everything else, I don't doubt myself with what I know, it is others who decide to question everything about me.

I'm met here with a third degree, where if I say something... about myself... about my experience... about what just happened to me hours before... I am targeted for doubt, judgement, disbelief, and opened up for whoever wants to TELL me what my life is as according to their knowledge. My experience never means nothing.

I then get unjustly pegged for being "negative" and defensive... and it's somehow a surprise why I respond like that.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#338720 - 08/20/10 10:23 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
west Offline


Registered: 03/15/10
Posts: 20
Loc: Utah
USMC

My abuser was active at about the same age range as you. One person, my father, not really physically violent, so I understand the fact of a big difference in our experiences in that regard. He murdered my childhood but not me physically as in your case. A lot of people would have enforced a self imposed memory black out, not you.

I worked with a former Army special forces guy & have crossed paths with a couple more and a few Marines too. The professional military ethic is a fact and is something I do respect even if my active duty '70-'72 was as a less than enthusiastic con>
_________________________
West
WoR Sequoia 2010

Top
#338743 - 08/21/10 12:44 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: west]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I never knew that name West. Wiped, that would be what was done to me with drugs and Electroshocks. They call it Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT) now, but it was more properly called electroSHOCK treatment back when they did it to me. Fact is it was my abusers doing this to me not anyone properly trying to help me. Maybe one or two people didn't know the origin of the problems I displayed (carefully conditioned responses and behaviors taught by my abusers who had extensive medical knowledge) that was justification for the drugs and ECT, but most did and were doing it to hide that abuse not to help me. They actually were hoping to make me a veg and only relented after many many tries at destroying me did not work. They decided the lowered mental capacity they had inflicted was enough to cover up the abuse.

Thanks West.



Edited by kidneythis (08/21/10 12:45 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#339014 - 08/25/10 11:47 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: kidneythis]
west Offline


Registered: 03/15/10
Posts: 20
Loc: Utah
Jeezuuz - Sorry to hear that. I can only believe that your experience would have crushed me. I had that same feeling about the guys in my 'small group' at the 2010 WOR. In one of those sessions when it was my turn at "my story" I closed my eyes did a time travel back to the most traumatic (in my consciousness) abuse at the hands of my father & vented my spleen with all the ammunition I had at my disposal. I was so surprised to hear the other guys expressing so little anger at what I considered to be far worse abuse than what I had experienced.

Sounds like you and usmc97 have more in common there than either one of you wanted. His discussion thread seems to have dropped off the cliff & I'm concerned about him. I can't find any more recent notes from him. The thing I was referring to was the military doc's doing controlled exposure to psychodelic drugs to induce memory loss on combat/POW survivors either because "this guy was not supposed to have survived & we can't let what he knows get spread to a wider audience" or they truly thought they were doing the guy a favor.

That term "wiped" came from the former Army Special Forces guy I worked with & I've had one other reference to it from a different SF guy.

Has any therapy or discussion here been helpful/healing for you?

West

_________________________
West
WoR Sequoia 2010

Top
#339026 - 08/26/10 10:32 AM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: west]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Thanks West.
It isn't so much the things done to us as it is the emotional impact of it. There is no direct comparison scale to X will cause Y reaction. Some who have had worse handle it better and some who have had less don't make it at all.


A lot of that might be the lack of knowledge and truth about abuse. Even today the majority I mean 85% and up believe myths about abuse and don't recognize even the simplest and to me easiest signs of it an others. Which based on the myths so many believe is probably a good thing all in all.

I enjoy the human connections I get to make. I can't say a lot has been therapeutic except that the board allows me to post my opinions and ideas. I need an awful lot more trust building before my crap is going to fully surface so it can be dealt with. For now I get to have nightmares about shit I do remember and worry about never being able to get justice or a full accounting.
And than you

As for usmc I worry too. It seems as impossible to make a connection with him as it is possble to be. I don't seem able to engage him in anything that he doesn't manage to turn into me attacking him or distorting him. He's stuck trying to percieve or thinking he percieves what others are motivated by, rather than engaging them in what they say. Its very sad I hate to see so much pain. I had thought I lived a horrible existence with all the pain I endure but at least I know a few ways to get happy that are based on doing good things.



Edited by kidneythis (08/26/10 04:36 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
Page 4 of 4 < 1 2 3 4


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.