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#338280 - 08/14/10 01:33 AM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: kidneythis]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
There isn't any getting out of this, it's not pseudo physical pain it is real physical pain. I do as much as I can in spite of it. I don't have a mental loop of things it is a whole other level of things that I don't know how to explain it seems.

I can not do enough for other people, there is always an expectation of more that needs to come from me. Because I deal with the things that I try to talk about it somehow implies that I am not doing enough to combat it all when that is far from the truth. These are what I mean by assumptions. Since I don't heal it must be because I have done something incorrectly, doesn't anybody see the blame in that?

I still repeatedly get told I need to "get out of myself" just as you have said, it does not work with what I deal with. I do all I can for others, I do all I can for myself. It does not work with what I deal with. My only sense of relief is time with people who I see as safe, so much so it can be overwhelming for them to handle everything that had to be held in.

There are things I can not do, I can not go out and volunteer for something at just anywhere, I can not commit to a routine thing, I can't handle most strangers. There are days I can not walk, eat, leave a room, sometimes I can't even speak a word because of pain. There are multiple things I have to deal with, I was deemed disabled for a reason.

I hate feeling like I'm supposed to explain myself all the time here. I've said all of these things before. Why is it so hard to accept me, what I experienced then and now anywhere? Everyone(definitive word, some should know they're exempt) keeps trying to categorize me so that I am "fixable", hence all the same repetitive suggestions, all of which I have done over and over all of these years but it is not enough to satisfy anybody. It's always that I'm suppose to do it one more time for each individual.

You just asked me to try this particular thing again. Why? Honestly, why? The next step is to place blame(aka emphasis of responsibility) back on me.... "it's not always about you", "if you choose to allow things to continue", ending up with my "rejecting" everything and being "negative", the sure way to judge all of my efforts.

I have done every tiny detail of all the steps that others have taken toward "healing" that are realistically possible. IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT THEY DO NOT WORK FOR MY SITUATION.

It's like if we all had cancer and I am the only one that had no response to chemo, everyone is certain that I need to do the same treatment plan that they did, different combinations of all the same steps. I've done them all, the expectation is to do them again, so I did, again and again with no result. Does it look like the cancer I have is getting any better by use of the chemo? No. May the cancer be a little different? Evidently, yes. Is it my fault nobody wants to recognize that? Do I blame them for trying to help? No. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Do I blame them for not listening to me? Yes, because I've told them over and over. So what's going to be the result? Guess I'll eventually die now or later, my cancer will never have existed and the next person with shoes like mine will be ignored too.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#338301 - 08/14/10 02:34 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Addressing as much as I can here;
" I can not do enough for other people, there is always an expectation of more that needs to come from me. Because I deal with the things that I try to talk about it somehow implies that I am not doing enough to combat it all when that is far from the truth. These are what I mean by assumptions. Since I don't heal it must be because I have done something incorrectly, doesn't anybody see the blame in that?"

First whatever anyone expects from you is their problem. Unless you have an arrangement giving, and how much is your choice. I haven't assumed anything. What I have said are ideas for how you might find a way out of being what seems like constantly under the pain and thoughts your abuse inflicts on you.
My posts are not a lack of acceptance of you or your situation. That said the fact that your posts never change means somthing in your life is not changing. People change, things change postings are good and bad over time there is an ebb and flow of the emotions you don't relay that in your postings. It might be that you only come here to unload the bad stuff and when things are good you focus on that. I'm guilty of that myself. BUt if that isn't so then my experience with life and learning to help myself be better I have learned that an unchanging story is a sign that one is stuck and the things I have suggested work for me and many others. But as you say that isn't for everyone. There is also the fact that I don't read all of your posts and their replies so I am not aware of all the replies you get. So if someone else has suggested the same thing or somethign similiar and it didn't work for you I am unaware of it.

My suggestions are the way out from under the weight of pain and painful memories and thoughts that myself and millions of others have used successfully. Its not just a matter of doing for others its a matter of adjusting ones outlook, consciously trying to not dwell on ones own problems even when they don't seem to change and the giving feels like life force ebbing away. For me and the others I have helped that perception is my self centered mind trying to keep me focussed on myself.
I have learned that in 90% of cases when I am hurt by what others say or do, they are often unaware and did not mean to hurt me. They were just in their own stuff in that moment and it never occured that them being themselves hurt others.
I had hoped it would be a way for you, to get some peace as well.

I am truly baffled by the awfulness of the things you are forced to re-experience and I hope that some day one of us on here hits on a way for you to take control and find some peace.


KT

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#338314 - 08/14/10 05:04 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: kidneythis]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I am sorry that I come off in such a way, I know you don't mean to say anything hurtful and you're just trying to help. Please understand how many years I've been actively putting all my effort in things, I haven't had a break, I don't get to stop just because I'm tired or because therapy or whatever else gets too hard. I continually cycle through everything available over and over. I am frustrated and I don't know how much longer I can go on.

What I meant by people expecting more does not relay to those who I am helping in whatever facet at the time, they are glad to have the help in any amount I am capable of doing. Because my issues and demeanor don't ever much change, people outside of those situations see me as just self consumed and stuff. They either don't see or don't acknowledge what I do even if I tell them. Just like how I haven't been able to work for 9 years now and I still have the same people ask me if I am looking for work. It becomes hurtful over time.

Everything I have to deal with is a full time job that don't go away, I don't get any true progression, little if any short times of relief, not for lack of trying it's just truth of the matter. The physical pains are one of the things that limit me most both because of what it hinders me from and also because others don't understand, externally I'm physically fit, internally there is a lot of physical damage and there is nothing I can do about any of it.

I've been meticulous in doing everything that has ever became available to me, when it sounds like someone doubts my efforts I know that they just don't grasp how desperate I have been to rid myself of this curse. I then get compulsive in trying to make someone understand me and correct the false picture they might have of me. So here I am again on this track of trying to explain and defend all over again.

I don't start any of my post hoping to get hurt.


_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#338350 - 08/15/10 11:35 AM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
You do not have to apologize to us on here. we understand frustration and confusion as odd as that may sound.

Maybe that is something you can focus on, not apologizing for yourself and your position. When someone offers a suggestion to help just say "thank you for the offer of help, I've already tried that and didn't get good results." Do not apologize, you have nothing to apologize for in such a situation.

I'm recomending that you choose that one thing to change and focus on it w/o bothering with the rest of the stuff for now. I think it will be a good exercise. Remember no matter how much you "feel" like you need to apologize in such a situation, don't. I think this will be a first step in moving forward with taking your power back.

KT

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#338366 - 08/15/10 02:41 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: kidneythis]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
There is no way to get around it, even declining someone's suggestions politely in a way like you have said still puts me in a bad light. It feeds their judgements that I am stubborn, negative, unwilling, and a liar among other things. Anything that someone can tell themselves to justify their view of what they believe about me, whatever to place the blame and responsibility on me. Nothing is acceptable from me unless I was to be something that I am not. False hope, false appreciation, false progress, false joy and a fake smile is all that most people want from me which I can't give. They can't grasp what my life consist of or my continual failure to fix the consequences of all my perps doings that I am left to live through. It's not my fault that I am left behind and hopeless, or that what is known to help others has had no effects with what I deal with. I feel forced to apologize for being so different

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#338370 - 08/15/10 03:41 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I'm not sure you get what I am asking you to do.
Your response speaks to how you feel compelled by what you percieve others to be thinking of you. This is a different issue to not apologizing.
You speak of how others ask you to be false etc. I know this to well. It is a large part of why I have so many problems where I live/ I look good so no one understands or even thinks I am in pain and that is why I look like I do. Apparently my pain face is intimidating and frightening. I can't let their inability to see past the ends of their noses control what I think of myself. It really threw me for years why everyone was so openly rude and nasty toward me, until I finally figured it out.
Anyway that too has nothing to do with the one thing I asked you to try.
Just do the one thing. Assert yourself enough to refuse to apologize no matter how much you think it is necessary or feel the need to.

As for what others think of you. Its a two edged sword, we are not supposed to care what others think in that we should not let others opinions control how we think or behave. We need others to be close to us because we are human so their opinions of us and what we think count.
I think my problem with that was that I did not discriminate between the people I chose to allow to be close to me and simple aquaintences and people I met in passing. I still struggle with this. A start for me was that I decided to make everyone an aquaintence or stranger and no one was close so I don't need to be so open. I am developing a set of rules which I don't have anything concrete of yet by which I can evaluate who to let in and who to keep out.

It sounds from what you say that you don't have proper personal inner boundaries with people. Which is what I just described as my problem. I think asserting yourself about the not apologizing will be a start for you to regain and redefine proper boundaries for yourself on your own terms.

Its hard to separate everything when it all feels so connected. Here is where some trust in the concept is necessary. I think you can see the value of not apologizing for things others appear not to approve of or even understand. I am asking you to trust that doing this one thing will effect a positive change in your life.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#338389 - 08/16/10 01:20 AM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: kidneythis]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't have problems much with boundaries either, I know the audience here and have plenty to go on as to what many "survivors" think of me. I give some in order to try and have folks understand who they are talking to, in the end most end up marking me with whatever they think is suitable. I did not say that I was sorry for what I have said about myself and what I experience.

I have never witnessed anybody else on this site getting interrogated as I have, I am always having to prove and defend myself. Randomly go through other's postings and you won't see the stuff that is relayed to me.

How did this posting still come to be what it's become? Everything I say is met with questions and doubt of me. My apology was for me not being able to live up to whatever anybody expects of me, that I am too stupid to be able to talk right enough for anybody or my "peers" to even understand me. It's empty words to say I belong when all there is for me is corner to keep my mouth shut. Every time I talk about things it's met with all this other stuff, instead of just plain old encouragement it's a list of suggestions to which I respond unacceptably or else they wouldn't continue.

I don't much ask for advice, I ask specific questions and give a background as to why. I rather people say that they just don't know what to say. Through this and other postings it seems that no one hears me. It's always trying to tell me that I might have skipped a step when I haven't, always always always doubt.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#338430 - 08/16/10 04:22 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Once again I am at a loss as to what it is you want or need.

You title your post hopelessly hopeless (which is the general tone of all your posts) and then when someone engages with you and offers suggestions to you as a way to improve the situation or thing you complain about you attack them passively by claiming that they have insulted you or ignored you or stuck a label on you.
The common factor here being YOU.

You do not want to engage in the simplest of endeavors. You do often apologize when someone offers you advice that you claim is an insult or indicates they aren't listening or lebeling you. "I'm sorry my X is so hard to deal with" is usually the form of it. I simply wanted to engage you in trying one thing and you have very effectively sidestepped it, diverted it, madeout it was an attack or labeling of you. You've put more effort into avoiding actually speaking to the one thing and the one thing only than it would have teken for you to have tried my suggestion.

It seems to me you are determioned to remain exactly as you are and ignore all efforts to engage you or help you.

I'm happy to continue engageing with with you. I have no personal investment this is me giving freely to help somoene in need.
I think we should go to PM if you want to continue. I will leave it up to you to PM me if you think I have someting to offer you otherwise I wish you well and hope that you find some peace and enjoyment in life.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#338488 - 08/17/10 04:02 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: kidneythis]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
What I need is to find that I'm really not alone in what I have specifically experienced, to have my friends in real life care enough to collectively really help me battle what's been dealt to me, to have more times of safety, to have access to the parts of me that have been taken from me, to be functional again, to be understood so that I can be helped, to be able to have a family, to have purpose, to.........

What I want here at MS is to be heard with my own words, believed without doubts and assumptions, or hearing that what I live does not exist. It's pretty basic. I don't come here with a hope that someone knows how to "fix" me or what I experience. I don't much ask for advice. I don't try to fix others with all the things that have failed when applied to me. I watch as those who came here after me leave here before me, always looking to see if I've missed something.

I haven't asked for a continual repeat of things that I have already done or been doing. I have asked for what else someone is supposed to do once they have done everything. If that can't be answered then a simple "I just don't know" is fine or just listen without trying to fix things.

You as with others are not hearing my words, that I have done everything available literally. If you are hearing it you are not believing it, I can not change that. I have made things as clear as they can be, denial, disbelief, and assumptions are what alters my words into what someone else is capable of understanding.

Originally Posted By: kidneythis
It seems to me you are determioned to remain exactly as you are and ignore all efforts to engage you or help you.

Perfect example of what I have said happens as a general response by people. I've already went over why I reject suggestions and the expectation of me to perform for each individual to which you fell right into doing. I have tried your suggestion to the best of my ability, the thing you failed to see was that I didn't do it again for you. You have it wrong, you ARE placing blame on me because what I deal with does not change. You ARE hearing a noise and not listening to my words. It IS NOT because of anything I have done or not done that what I deal with does not change. It is insulting and something is being ignored whether it is "ME" who is at the center or not.

You have no idea how desperate I have been to not be raped, mutilated, tortured, and all else that I experience whether it is real to you or anybody else. This leads usually to me having to defend my sanity, then the labels, then... this whole conversation is not new, same basic outline of what happens when there is a lack of understanding me. How it is what I live through and how it's not recognizable becomes less and less of a concern. The priority is to stop it and allow me to be me again like I was before.

My doc once told me that maybe my stuff is like calculus and that most people can't get to where they can grasp and accept it as it is, another thing that growingly seems prove true no matter where I surface.

Just makes me feel that if the statistics are 1 in 4 or 1 in 6, whatever someone wants to have recognized, I may only ever be an imaginary number.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#338489 - 08/17/10 04:28 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I'm supposed to be letting this post go but I keep allowing myself to get sucked back in. Nothing ever amounts to what I originally post, it always gets turned into something like this and I'm left taken away from what I first had to say, unheard and back where I started.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
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