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#338031 - 08/10/10 03:36 PM Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Of course there are some good things in life, the problem is that there are not enough of them to make up for the bad. My experience is pretty relentless.... rare times of feeling safe, little pain relief, repeated torment, overwhelming criticism and blame.... etc.

I don't have a chance and the "focus on the positive" stuff often digs that hole deeper. "At least you're still breathing", credit for that curse also goes to my abusers. There isn't much left of the real me that could function in this world.

My life is not good, my life does not belong to me. I do not have freewill or choices as people know for themselves. My perps are responsible for every aspect of all the things I am left to deal with. It's unrecognizable to be so far gone.... even suicide hotlines are lost in what to say because "there is always hope", "there is always at least one thing good". At the hospital level there is always a magic pill to take and having a plan is a sign of concern. They don't know what to do with someone who has multiple adaptive plans except maybe to really lock someone like me up in a institution.... that's a great life

The evil of the perps who hurt me goes so deep, there is just too much for anybody to be able to repair. The harm upon me just keeps building both from them and from the people who don't grasp the things done to me. It's not just memories, in the past, mental. I'm not depressed or need more medication. I need relief.

what else do I feel like writing....

So much pain

They are murderers, they did kill me physically and intentionally. Is it attempted murder because they revived me? Is it less because I breath today? Do I know what it feels like to be killed? Yes, horribly and I don't know how to express everything that goes with that. What's suppose to be said to me after being murdered multiple times? I survived? They had all the power in that "choice".

What do I do to explain the torture? Things they use that I still don't know words to describe. I don't know what to call the tools used and their actions. I can't count their numbers of how many total hurt me.

The surgical stuff.... how do I "get over" that?

What about being held captive, slave like, caged, dehumanized where even animals had dominion over me?

How do I heal when what I go through doesn't allow for it? When it's so hard for most to even recognize what I experience. Physically I have more than enough I have to deal with everyday, mentally there's a whole lot more and I can't find enough help for it all.

How do I become a real person?

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#338034 - 08/10/10 03:55 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Hi USMC97,
It sounds so painful yet you also sound like you've been able to see something good.
I don't know how to help you yet I think you hold that key for yourself.
I want to say that it sounds to me like you need to move away from where you are. But that is based on my perception, which you have told me is off, of you being in danger and being harmed where you are.

The hting that came to me with this post you have made is that you are looking at yourself through your abusers eyes. The beginning of the post seems to me to indicate you are regaining this sense of self esteem. I hope that continues as I can tell you the more able you are to accept yourself as you are the more inner peace you will gain.

My AA sponsor told me when I asked him one day how do I build self esteem when I don't even know what it is? He said if you want esteem you must do esteemable things.
For me this looks like being a good and kind person, occasionally being selfless to help someone, volunteering especially when I feel down, and generally doing good works without expecting or even asking for a reward other than thanks. Sometimes not even that. The first and best thing I got from that was that I got to meet people who were interested in doing those things and those are usually good people to be around.

I hope this helps you. And I hope you continue to find more good things.



Edited by kidneythis (08/10/10 04:06 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#338035 - 08/10/10 05:55 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: kidneythis]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
The problem is that I am not able to be myself. I have not always been like this which is seemingly hard to have others comprehend. I refuse to accept that this is my life from here on out. There is no peace in trying to be content in what I have to go through. To be okay with any part of what I experience is a definite catapult to just die and get it over with.

I don't have a self esteem problem, I know my talents, I know what my capabilities were. I am not allowed to make use of them anymore. I only get a small fraction of what I use to be and I do everything I can whenever I have windows of ability. I had a life without all of these issues, I was so much more than this, I know what it is to have a normal functioning life. There is a frustration that I don't think I can explain to anyone here.

There is no escape, no good great enough, no distraction big enough, no selfless deed that makes any of what I experience any less than what it is. Nothing that I can do different, nothing inside of me that has any power to defeat the things I deal with. I have done it all, my efforts in everything have proven beyond doubt that there is nothing I control. Contrary to popular belief, there is a point where all of this is fact.

I don't have an inner conflict of trying to come to terms with things. The past was done, what I go through now is a whole different ballgame, neither are within my control. I have no power to regain, nothing I can take back or any of the other typical things said. The only thing that seems to come across is that I am negative and "playing a victim" and all the other things that folks use to place blame on someone that they don't understand.

There are so many unrealistic expectations of me, that was part of what I was trying to express. I don't expect to "survive" this, my days are always in the single digits.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#338042 - 08/10/10 07:53 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
USMC97,
I lost everything as well. Most on here lost everything, and all of us know what was and could have been.

You know what you were but you do not accept what you are. How is this not a lack of self esteem? You are imposing on yourself judgments about "things" you can no longer do and not crediting your mind which is who you are and where you live. How do people who become paralyzed cope? How does anyone who loses that which they believed to be their essence cope? They learn and come to realize that the things they di is not who they are it is the thoughts they have and the things they think that is who they are. Learning to accept limitations is a very hard thing. I was very bright and there was nothing I could not figure out as a child. Then that day came when I figured out something I shouldn't have and I was attacked, my mind was attacked repeatedly over and over for years to make me retarded and to make me forget the thing I figured out. and in the end when they couldn't make me retarded or drive me crazy they opted to use ECT on me (something they had used periodically while trying to drive me nuts) over and over until I was Tabula Rasa. I had to be taught how to do everything all over again. I mean everything, I was 5-6 and I was an infant. Of course I picked it up very quickly. But my mind was gone, has been gone ever since. I was lucky to find work when I did and was only ever able to keep a job for short periods. People tell me I'm bright but the fact is you don't have to tell bright people they are bright you only say that to children to help build their confidence. I know hwo dumb and dense I am and I remember how smart I was. Its the reason I can't watch Flowers For Algenon I am Algenon.

Try to appreciate what you have and as you learn to see that you are not what you used to be able to do you will learn to be happier.

KT

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#338057 - 08/10/10 10:47 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: kidneythis]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I'm not talking about what was lost as a kid or things lost by.... I'm not going to explain, it's useless.

Paralyzed... ill... etc are all different shoes that I don't walk in. I cope with some physical limitations and other things to a degree but I don't accept that what I go through is just another thing I need to get used to living with.

Other people have not walked in my shoes and because they have attained some sort of content in theirs does not mean that all have or will. There is no default switch that makes everything okay. Their ability to heal is dependent upon their circumstances just as mine are. How well would anyone heal if they were harmed every other day? How well would you be if you were still forced to undergo ECT every other day or if you were still getting attacked? When would you be okay with that existence?

I have done all that I can, it does not get better. There is no positive way to twist things to make up for the things that are lacking.

How much appreciation is someone suppose to give for a cup of water when they are being burned alive? Great it was better than nothing but how much better than nothing would it really be on a scale? It's a form of denial to try to use false hope by manipulating a positive spec to be more than what it is. I have to see things as they are or else I would be insane, reality would all be imagined and false like one of those crazy people who live in their own little world. That is unacceptable to me, there is no benefit to live a lie. I need real hope and nothing less.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#338080 - 08/11/10 10:05 AM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Then its back to this; "I want to say that it sounds to me like you need to move away from where you are. But that is based on my perception, which you have told me is off, of you being in danger and being harmed where you are."

If moving won't work then you need to get into a place where you can be filmed as you sleep to get to the root of what is happening so that those who want to help you can figure out what is happening.

Finally you might consoder that your perceptions may be wrong and reconsider things you have rejected as possibilities for the cause of your continued symptoms of abuse.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#338098 - 08/11/10 03:47 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
NDbiker Offline


Registered: 07/27/10
Posts: 37
Loc: North Dakota
umc97:
I have been wrapped up in your pain for a good day now. I had to read some of your old posts. Not all 400 but enough so that I could just begin to understand your situation. I have nothing more to offer than a cup of water myself.

You are looking for someone to identify with and get answers from. You are obviously very intelligent, yet you have asked many questions that we aren't capable of solving for you. In most posts you are already answering them. I hate feeling my own emotions. The pain is often overwhelming. When I see others in pain, it is equally as excrutiating. I often feel compelled to fix everyone around me.

Hope isn't given, it takes action to create it (So ironic, I also hate fortune cookie wisdom, but I'll be damned if that, simple sounding, corny crap hasn't worked for me from time to time). Do you realy believe you've done all that you can? I don't think you do or you wouldn't be here. What do you do, on a daily basis to increase your safety? You share your pain well, what about your progres

Kidneythis: Your compasion is admirable to say the least!



Edited by NDbiker (08/11/10 05:38 PM)
Edit Reason: my intentions weren't clear

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#338124 - 08/11/10 09:59 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: NDbiker]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I reject things because I have already done them, in most cases I have tried them repeatedly. The doubt put upon me threatens my integrity and I start getting offended and defensive. Because the results did not have the ideal effect does not mean that I did something wrong or didn't do enough.

I have done everything realistically possible, I have been at this with a vengeance since day one over ten years ago.

I have been filmed, I have been watched, I have done it all, the source is what it is... which is not well received. My perception is not faulty because I am experiencing it, I know the difference of things but that is also proven unacceptable.

I come here because there is no other place I can be at times, my safety only increases when I am physically not alone. I try to share with those who are safe to me, sometimes they stay and befriend me, most run. Progress is relative, I can't celebrate what is not there. There are no baby steps to me, either something is there or it is not. I can't force myself to be another person, if I did then there again there would be no point to being around.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#338129 - 08/11/10 10:45 PM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: usmc97]
west Offline


Registered: 03/15/10
Posts: 20
Loc: Utah
usmc97 - I haven't read all of your posts and have a hard time grasping the level of your pain. Your words remind me of an old friend of mine who told me this story when he was intoxicated. I hope this is appropriate and does not cause you extra trouble. He was walking point for a squad in Cambodia. He did not detect the trouble in time and his group was captured by the bad guys, probably NVA. The leader of the bad guys was a sadist & my friend played his memory tape of witnessing two of his squad being tortured to death. He told me how he fooled the sadist, killed him (had a knife in his boot), and managed to get himself and his sargent out of there. I'm sure he would not have opened up about this had he not been intoxicated. Unspoken was how many of the guys he had to leave behind so he carries the pain of what he witnessed and what he was unable to do for all of his buddies. I wrote him a note about having heard his story, a note he read when he was sober, & the last I heard he had stopped drinking.

My father was my abuser & he was an alcoholic pedophile. What has been working for me? Writing that letter to my abuser while he was still alive, staying in individual therapy, I want to join a local CSA therapy group when I can afford the $ and time, talking with my sisters about the experience (dad was an equal opportunity abuser), I attended the WOR session this spring, talking about this stuff on these forums,...

You are obviously a survivor and everyone here wants to relate to you and share what they hope will be helpful to you. I hope you stay and keep talking.

West, WOR Sequoia 2010

_________________________
West
WoR Sequoia 2010

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#338143 - 08/12/10 02:39 AM Re: Hopelessly hopeless, no where to heal [Re: west]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Thanks West,

I had an experience which was very good for me by being around a group of "survivors" but in the end I wasn't welcome and told not to return. It was later said that I was too much to deal with and that what I needed was more than what they could provide, those were a couple of my best days and it still was too much to handle for others.

Same happened with the support group of which I was on a waiting list for years until they even brought one here, they asked me either not to share or not to return.... some support.

I did an inpatient extended stay residential program twice with "other survivors" that also ended up as me being cast away from the rest of the group and criticized by those "professionals" for not conforming to their realm of knowledge. What they witnessed me going through was not recognizable to them and instead of investigating and trying to help me they put there effort in how to make me become a "normal survivor". I don't have control of what I go through but if you ignore it all then maybe I can be looked at as being within the limitations of text books and other's experience.

Groups and most professionals have not been great, a lot of harm and rejection. My doc now is is good and one of few who is actually trying to help. I wish I could go to a WoR but they are so hard to gain access to with my situation. I can only wonder how folks would deal with having me at one.

I have friends who I can talk to when time and circumstances allow.

I don't even know who most of my perps are or how many, they seem to have thought of everything. Writing, role playing and every other exercise to deal with them is pretty useless for me.

The hard thing about coming here and saying anything is knowing the backlash and criticism I will receive by my "peers". I'm just talking about what I say concerning what I experience personally not when I go off on a subject. In comparison more is said to me to try and find fault and I don't need that, it hardly ever seems like I belong here but as I said.... where else do I go. It's not encouraging for others to find so much doubt in me.



Edited by usmc97 (08/12/10 10:35 AM)
_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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