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#33769 - 03/31/05 06:15 AM My story, Please tell me how to make it stop!!!!!
Dbqtech Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/20/05
Posts: 1
Loc: Dubuque, Iowa
[TRIGGER WARNING--- GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT]

Well this is my first post and I wanted t0 tell my

story. Over there past several years, a lot of bad

memories of my childhood have come back. I mean, I

seemed to have remembered stuff that I guess I had

buried somewhere long ago for no good reason I can

think of. I'm really having a hard time with trying

to come to grips with things over this and need

advice on where to go/what to do. The memories that

have come back to haunt me deal with the abuse was

done to me as a child by both of my parents.

It all started when I was about 4 or 5 I guess from

what I can remember. I was an only child at the time.

My father worked nights and my mom, like others at

the time was a stay at home mom. I remember very

vividly now how she would lay on the bed with nothing

on or no panties on exposing herself to me. She would

have me put my fingers in her and I guess, get her

off or something. I remember her having me do this

quite a lot. I don't remember ever thinking that this

was a bad thing or anything at the time. My mom was

kind of like a big playmate to me rather than being a

mom. She was pretty screwed up I guess as I found out

later on. Anyway, she and my dad had a lot of

problems and she ended up leaving when I was 5 and

had just started kindergarten. She left when my dad

was at work and left me home alone. After she had

been gone an hour or so, she called my grandmother

from somewhere and told her to come and get me.

Anyway, I lived with my grandmother for a few years

until I was 8 and they got remarried cause she was

pregnant. During the time they were divorced, they

still seen each other and I would be with both of

them at my fathers house over the weekends. Kind of a

strange relationship. I just remember them doing a

lot of drinking and fighting is all. I also have a

lot of memories of this time being very bad. I

remember being told to go to bed and it would be late

at night on a Friday or Saturday night. They would

both be drinking very heavily and like I said,

fighting and arguing. Many times my "Uncle Rich" or

"Uncle Butch" would be over at that time as well. I

can still hear my mother screaming and crying all

night as my father and his friends raped her and beat

her pretty good. I can still hear her crying out "Get

off of me and Why are you doing this and so on and so

forth. This shit would go on all night

and every weekend the whole time they were divorced

which was about 3 years. I never mentioned this to my

grandmother about was going on during the weekends

and all. My mom did end up getting pregnant and she

and my father got remarried when I was 8. After they

got remarried, as I said my mother was pregnant. My

father was still working nights yet and my mom would

have me sleep with her. Normally, no problem. But I

can still remember her asking me if I knew where

babies came from and how it happened etc and so

forth. We would talk about it and she would explain

things when I had a question.She was about 4 months

along at this point cause I can remember her belly

just starting to get bigger. Again, so far nothing

out of the ordinary. This happened quite a lot through the next month or

so. As I said, I was 8 at the time. I thought it was

pretty cool at the time. Wow what a cool mom I

thought. It seemed to end about as quick as it

started. My brother was born and then things were

pretty normal for a few years until I turned twelve.

During this time, my father had not drank and was on

the wagon from what I know. I also had a sister come

along when I was 10 also. Anyway, as I said, things

were normal until we moved when I was 12. After

moving, they started to bowl in a Friday night league

and would get home late, usually around 11pm. They

would stay after and have a few drinks and would come

home pretty ripped. I can remember thinking at the

time that I wished my dad would not drink. And then

things started up again with the drinking and

fighting on Friday and Saturday nights. I can

remember my father yelling up the steps and making me

come downstairs. I was

forced into doing this a lot until right before I

turned 14. It was at this time that I finally had the

nerve to stand up say no. I couldn't before because

he was so damn threatening and mean and had

threatened to beat my mother of she did'nt do it and

had also threatened me as well. "If you don;t want to

see your mother get hurt, you'll do this" he'd say.

So like a spinless idiot, I'd go along with it. The

bad part is that in a sick sort of way, I really

enjoyed having sex with her all these times. Hell I

was a young man and having sex with a real woman so

again, in a sad way, I did enjoy it somewhat despite

the circumstance and all. Anyway, like

I said, I put my foot down around the time I turned

14 and would'nt have sex with her. But the weekend

fighting and drinking never did stop. He would do the

same things over and over, Beat her, rape her and

then pass out. This crap went on and on for years. I

would make a half attempt to stop him but I never

really did all I could have done to help her. And she

just kept putting up with it. I guess it was the I

don't deserve anything better attitude. He did end up finally beating her pretty badly one weekend to the point she had a concussion and two black eyes. . My mom ended up leaving for good, not taking my brother and sister with her.I was 20 at this time and still lived at home. I was pretty fed up at this point and ended up in the navy and stayed away for a few years. I did speak with my father during this time on and off. But he always bad mouthed my mother and called her whore and would tell me about how she screwed this guy and that guy, etc. Made things out to be her fault. He got pissed when I mentioned some of the fights and what I remembered hearing. Said I was having hallucinations or something. Anyway, I got so fed up that I quit talking to everyone in my family. I pulled away from everyone This was in 1986. In 1998, my wife and kids and I moved back home here. Still no contact with anyone in my family. My wife had an idea what kind of went on, But I never told her everything. Like the parts about having been made to have sex with my mom and all the stuff about her getting raped and all. She only knew that there was a lot of fighting and drinking was all and that my dad was pretty much an asshole. So she kind of understood why I pulled away from them. To this day, she does not know all of what went on. I've alway been afraid to let this little secret out for fear that she will think I'm a sicko and all for it and will leave me over it. A couple of years ago, I did contact my mother. I started to feel guilty about her and happened. She was around 62 and I was 42. I'm now 45. Anyway, we kind of reconciled and things were pretty nice for several months. She met grandkids she had never seen before and all. But she was pretty goofed up though from all the stuff that went on as I was to find out. She had had quite a drinking problem for years and I thought she had licked it by this time. She appeared to have her stuff together also and as I said, everything appeared to be pretty decent. I went to her house quite a lot ans she I and talked about what went on. I told her I felt bad cause I felt like I didn;t do enough to help defend her against my father when I should have and all. I still feel guilty for this. One night, she called me up and said she needed me to come over cause she wanted to talk. So I went over to her place and I could tell she had been drinking. As this was around 10pm, she was in her pajamas. I had a couple of beers with her and thought nothing of it. . But then I just said I had to go and that we'd talk the next day and that not to do this to me again. The next morning, she called all drunk and said she was going to the hospital to check herself into the mental ward and that is was my fault she was like this. I have not spoken with her since and this was a couplbe of years ago. By the way, I have not had any communication with my father for almost 20 years. As far as my brother and sister, They don't remember any of this type of stuff going on. My mom had left when they were 8 and 10 so Dad has been all sweet and wonderful to them all these years. So with them, I am the bastard who has forsaken the old man for no reason. I never went into anything with them the couple of times they contacted me. Only said that they have a different memory of things than I do and left it at that.

I continually have bad nightmare and memories about what I described above. These all came flooding back to me about 10 years ago. I cannot seem to get the memory of my mom crying and screaming as she was being beaten and raped by my father and his friends out of my mind. I hear this almost every night. It is so real and vivid that it's just as though it is really happening again. I can also vividly recall the sexual experirnces I had with my mother as well. I have a very detailed picture in my mind of having sex with her. And I am ashamed to admit that it makes me aroused in a sick sort of way and I can't quit thinking about this either. I have not told anyone about any of this. Only three people know what went on. My father, mother and I. I cannot tell my wife. I am truly afraid of what she would think. I've been married to her for 24 years and have kept this secret from her all this time. I am ashamed of what happened and I know it has poisoned my life and that I am not a whole person. I pray to Jesus every night to make it go away and to make my mother stop crying. But I cannot shake this. What do I do???? I am at my wits end with this (no not suicidial or anything at all, ever). If need be please write me at: edit: personal email address removed.

Thanks in advance for being there to listen.


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#33770 - 03/31/05 05:47 PM Re: My story, Please tell me how to make it stop!!!!!
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
First - I'm so very sorry that you had the experiences you did as a child. No one should have to go through all that.

Second - to answer to your question .... I DON'T KNOW. I think you may be doing it by posting on this discussion board, though. I've been coming here for 2 weeks and have found so much understanding and help. Keep coming!

Hang in there!

_________________________
bkeithb

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#33771 - 03/31/05 11:41 PM Re: My story, Please tell me how to make it stop!!!!!
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I'm having to protect myself today--I got very emotional yesterday reading the horrors that the men here have been through. So I didn't read every line of your story, but what I did read was absolutely horrible. I am amazed that you're doing as well as your are.

You couldn't be in a better place than this MS site. The details of our histories are terrible, but it our feelings that haunt us. It is writing those painful feelings over and over again until they lose their power that makes this work a little more bearable.

OK, I just went back and read more. There is no way you could have lived through that without it being burned onto your mind. I am so sorry. You're talking to a therapist, right? There's no way around getting the help we need. And your wife. I've told my wife basic things, some feelings, and it's drawn us closer. But how much to tell? Your history is terrible. You father and uncles... I'm just so sorry. I'd play it by ear with your wife, I think. Drop a little, and see how she reacts. If it's not too bad, drop a little more.

The important thing is we cannot heal without outside support, people to show us that there is good in the world and that we can trust a little. Write as much as your able. That's a very couragous start you just made with this post. Hang in there. We're with you.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#33772 - 04/01/05 12:08 AM Re: My story, Please tell me how to make it stop!!!!!
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello Db:

you were just a boy. do not blame yourself. to think that a child could rescue an adult is not rational. you survived; therefore, you succeeded in my book. i am very sorry for what happened to you.

i can't give you advice on what to tell your wife. i have no partner. but all i can say is to trust your instincts. and, take it slowly/reveal your truth slowly. i hope to hear more from you soon. god bless,


bec


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#33773 - 04/01/05 10:40 PM Re: My story, Please tell me how to make it stop!!!!!
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
You were a child. When we are children, we are entitled to the protection of parents or guardians - we are not the protectors.

They were wrong - you did not have the frames of reference to deal with what they subjected you too.

Forgive yourself....you were a child!

Best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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