sorry i havent been around. since my last post i was
too paranoid to come back. and afraid of being
judged. i know its not like that here but paranoia and
anxiety are crazy strong emotions in me.

anyway. i finally sucked it up and spoke to someone
professional OUTLOUD and honest.
I honestly dont know why i didnt do it a long time ago.
I know what i was afraid of but all them fears were fake
fears in my head put there by hurtful people.

it felt good to be able to just talk to someone face to face
and have them listen and not look at me like im the biggest freak in the world. just like it feels good to post and chat
here about this crap, of course its easier when its not face
to face, but, i dont know how i managed to finally do it.
make an appointment and ACTUALLY keep the appointment!

there is one person who may have pushed me along a little bit but shit, i got on my bike drove there went it and did it
all the while having a panic attack!

im not sure how to express it really but im sure i don't have too. i know all you guys who have already done this or have
been doing it for years are probably laughing at me,
but its okay
go ahead and laugh
and where were you 10 years ago to tell me??!??!?

so anyway, im left with a list of things to think about and
a list of things to do and of course theres new stuff
that came up now.
BUT
maybe maybe maybe maybe.... for the first time ever, i think maybe i can really do this?
we will see.

No one is laughing at you. The first step is the hardest for everyone. How hard is an individual thing.
Congratulations!
(((ZAK)))

KT

Zak, I'm glad that you were able to take this step. No one is laughing at you. If anything, we are cheering for you because you are moving forward.

Steve

Not laughing, just breathing a sigh of relief that one more of us gets a chance at taking their life back!

zak, my brother....

another powerful post made by you... you have a way of expressing how you feel and what's going on in your life in such an inspiring way... like i've said, you give a voice to many of the guys here who haven't found their voice yet!

i, too, will also say that we are NOT laughing at you but rejoicing and celebrating with you! it's so awesome to see you making progress!

but then you've been making progress since the day that you got here. i've told you many times that we knew you were going to make it. we believed in you and now it looks like you are starting to see that spirit in you and you are believing in yourself! THIS IS A MAJOR STEP!!!!

we are soooooo very proud of you, zak!!! and one day soon there will be a new guy that signs up here that is afraid, scared, lonely. he will see one of your posts and, hopefully like you did, take that first important step in reaching out for help. i know you will make us proud that you will help this new guy to find his voice, his strength and his little guy in him like we've done for you...

keep moving forward, zak...keep moving forward!!!

todd

Over coming all the lies that we have learned has been a very hard part for me. Not laughing, just pround little brother! You are worth the effort my friend.

Your brother,
Billy

Congratulations Zak! YAY! Zak-1 Abuser-0. YAY!

As the others above have already noted, no one is laughing at you. We are exceptionally proud of the step you took. I remember the first time I called, to even investigate if I truly wanted to follow through and go to the appointment. I sweated buckets that day.

Zak you said the following as well..."like it feels good to post and chat here about this crap, of course its easier when its not face to face". There may come a time in the future Zak, when you actually look forward to the day(s) when you can get together with a bunch of brothers, face to face, as in a Weekend of Recovery, or some other similar event, and literally just talk your face off with everyone. Everyone not judging. Eveyone just understanding. Everyone "getting it". The feeling is almost indescribable in terms of the feelings of freedom, and liberation. I think you've just gotten your first taste of it Zak. I'm looking forward to the day when you feel comfy enough to venture a bit more out of the old ways, and into a whole new way of looking at life.

Well done Zak! take a bow Zak. Take a bow!

Jim

thank you, what i really wanna know is what kinda
bike do you ride? and are you looking to buy
a gently used vulcan?

Hi, my fraternal brother,

Congradulations on your VERY big step. I know that i had fretted about it. Could i keep the appointment? Could i really tell someone face to face? How do i say it?

Well, as soon as i walked past the door to his office, my mouth just took off, it said everything that i had on my mind.
My fears, were defeated.

But, i thought that being i had told a T my story that a big weight would be lifted from my soul. I would be free at last.

Hell, i felt so good that when i got home I grabbed my wife and told her that i love her with a hug & kiss. My wife didn't know what to say or do.
That is the very first time that i ever had any emotions toward my wife. But i was on cloud 9. On top of the world.

THEN, came that tremendous let down. I was still reliving all of it. I was still trembling & crying, still seeing what had happened to that little boy.
So, here i am, 15 months down the road, after about 80 T sessions, 3 WoR's, lots of fears, lots of tears, lot's of staying in the dark, where no one could see me cry. BOYS DON'T CRY.

Trying to understand & love my inner child, little Pete, trying to become the man that we are. After all, HE is ME.I wouldn't be here if it wasn't my first face to face meeting, with a T. It all started there.

Again, my fraternal brother Zak, congradulations.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity."

Heal well, my fraternal brother, Zak, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Zak:
I am proud of you for following thru.

You are on a better path now - it may not be easy - but you have made a very BIG step.

You are the man.

Guys on here can relate - to the first time...........

Keep it up man.