Hi Sam:

Couple of ideas here...First, its ok to take a break from recovery. There have been no doubt, and there will be more, days when you wonder what its all about, and if its worth it. When these days hit me, I just have to step back for a bit. Even from being a mod here. I just have to stop and catch my breath. As Survivors though, we have for the most part avoided listening to ourselves, instead busying ourselves taking care of others. Its not easy to be able to say to ourselves that we need to take a break. As the person who is now in the drivers seat, you drive where you want, and need to be. You're in control now. No more is a spectre of the past going to lay out your course. You decide your own triptik. When its time to pull over for a rest, pullover! No one wants a wreck of a driver plying the highways of life in bad shape.

I know its tough looking after yourself. You are just plain not used to it. It goes against everything you have ever done. But honestly Sam, it really is ok to take a break, a hiatus, a vacation from recovery.

A few years back, Roadrunner, our former site Adminsitrator wrote a post called "Fuck Recovery Day". Have a peek...
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post148551

The second thing I'd like to suggest is the timing. Its about two months since your WoR. About two months after my first one I went into a pit of depression. I felt really alone, isolated and wanted more then anything to get back the feelings I re-discovered at my WoR. Having all these feelings re-ignited in me, but without the support of the group, well they terrified me. Still do some days.Especially the negative ones, like anger and rage. If you could somehow re-connect with someone, two, or three of your WoR buddies, you might be able to sift through the feelings a bit better.

Hang in there Sam. You've got the right ideas. As for the triggers? All you can do is plow right through them. That's the only way to get used to them. It sux.

Jim

Jim!!!
I so respect you and your reaching out, thank you.

Nope, breaks are a good thing. I have been playing video games and going for walks, planning a road trip and looking for jobs. It is refreshing to have that curiosity back and use it!

I will check out that resource, JG, thank you.

I do have a phone conversation with a couple of the guys aeach week, and I see two more in The Round Table every week, it is so good to see them. Yes, you are right about the WoR, i did a mini WoR with my family, and it will take some doing, but we are getting good results, it is teaching me to be patient and, to just breathe.

Toot, Toot! Like a steamroller, baby, so far, still trucking along. Thank you for your similar experiences and your growth, Jim, I luv ya, bro.

Sam

Sam,

When I encounter posts like this one I sometimes go straight to the answering post before reading anyone's responses so that I don't get influenced by their answers. This is one of those times so please bear with me if I repeat anything.

One thing I learned early on in my recovery was that there was only one way forward, that way being straight through the pain the hurt, and the emotional roller coaster of dawning realizations. I soon learned that tho I couldn't control the fact that I was in this emotional and hurtful space in my life or the need to wade through it, I could control my exposure to some degree. I could on occasion take a "fu*k recovery day" or limit how much time I spent concentrating on my recovery issues. Tho they were actually on my mind all the time I needed to remember to do the fun things in life as well. I needed to sometimes just take time off from it all. It was difficult to learn that skill but found in mandatory to do so or I would soon go insane. I'm going to say it probably took 3 years before I found myself able to feel "normal" again where the pain and hurt weren't right there just waiting to overwhelm me. It was a long 3 years but I wouldn't trade those years for anything. I learned so much about myself during that time and tho it was incredibly painful it was worth every minute.

Bottom line is to take time for you. Take a break. Have some fun, and when you're ready come back to the hard work.

John

This journey of self discovery hurts and is filled with horrible feelings as if they were happening to us now. Just take is easy. I made a huge mistake wanting to go too fast in therapy and it ended up where I was digging too hard and too deep too soon. Feelings would come back, images would flash back whenever they wanted. It was a very tough two years with one therapist and another two years with a different one. Slow and easy is the only way. Be gentle.

"Fuck Recovery Day"
that was one of the most insightful post on here i have seen lololol
i love it because no matter how far we have come in recovery there are and will be those kind of days and if we think that there will not , it only sets us up for failure.
i can still can not stop laughing at that post .

(((John)))
No worries, your insight and experience lend themselves well to my situation, thank you. Oh, and take a moment, I know you will, these guys love me, and love recovery, I am overwhelmed with appreciation and the show of support.


Yes, exactly the presenting symptoms I am experiencing! The ability to feel the welling up of the emotions and consciously tell them to "wait a sec" is amazing. Although I need to get back to them, the roller coaster seems to be leveling out. I have more power for empathy and support, and less time for self pity.
The fun things, yes. Talking with my wife, playing video games with my boys, driving 900 miles to visit the in laws...well, playing video games with the boys, ahem. Yes, yes, yes, I feel so complete, in the beginning of this part of recovery, loving myself, confident, John, that I too will learn to take a day and appreciate its beauty. Like exercise, the body needs time to recover.

I so look forward to three years of limiting recovery, and more appreciation and self love, and many more to follow, perhaps you and I will share those stories?

Good advice, consider it followed.

My good and dear friend, thank you,

Sam

(((LW)))
Yes absolutely right. In sharing this path with me, over these past few posts, i have found a boon companion in recovery, thank you.

When I touched that little boy, so full of fear, I knew, LW, somehow, I had found the source of my instability, like trying to ride a unicycle on the back of a seven year old! I have experimented and reached back, in the memories, and have not found that pain again. So either it is I am completely cured, i got over it and pulled myself up by the bootstraps, yeah right or, it is just a good recovery day and a chance to see the path clearly.

Thank you, my good friend, thank you,
Sam