Newest Members
GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS, BookHouseBoy
12465 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cyrus (44), Dupe1978 (36), James_Is_Talking (36), K-man (58), LordShiningStarr (36), ricky (51), Shawn Hope (29), teresa (42), Warner82 (32)
Who's Online
3 registered (GummyBear, 2 invisible), 25 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12465 Members
74 Forums
64000 Topics
446703 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#337078 - 07/28/10 09:25 AM i should have listened
Zak Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
i should have listened to u guys who told
me to plan out how i would tell my father
but im stupid and i didnt listen as usual
in my crazy head i thought maybe if he knew
it would make him feel bad about stuff, or
maybe even make him want to be nice to me,
even like me some. but he didnt. he said to
me the complete opposite of everything i been
hearing here.

he wont take any responsibility for my F'd up
life or mistakes. he takes no blame cuz he
didnt do these things to me, if these things
REALLY happened and im not just making shit
up to get something, he said then i must have
somehow brought it on myself. said it was
probably my actions that caused it, said when
u go around acting like a fag these things are
bound to happen, basiccally said i got what
i deserved.

he yelled and asked me what i want from him and
what im trying to get out of telling him this
shit. i couldnt answer. he said if im making it
up then im a sick digusting person. i told him
i wasnt making it up. why would he get mad at me
and not at them?????????????

i never thought anyone could be so cruel. i
know theres mean people out there but for him
to say these things to me, i dunno, i dont
understand why frown he had me in tears which just
made it worse cuz again all i am to him is a
pussy and a screw up who takes no responsibility
for myself. he said i nno longer exist to him.
he said until i start acting like a grown man
to stay away from him and his family.

maybe i am making to much out of this. but i
cant just get past it. it hurts really bad and
i dont know what to do from here.


Top
#337079 - 07/28/10 09:33 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
Zak Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
and im sorry for even putting
this here. theres more important
stuff going on and im just
complaining again. someone just
pls tell me to shutup and get
over it already! mad


Top
#337085 - 07/28/10 10:43 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
This bring raw emotions back to me as well. Things don't work out the way it does in the movies - we say just the right thing and the offender realizes in swarming agony the damage they have done - then the embraces and reconciliation. Sorry,it just dosn't work that way. Nonetheless, your pain, your feelings, your thoughts are all real and valid. Please don't shut up because I care. No one here is going to tell you to get over it either. I am not sure if we really get over the betrayal of a father. Please continue to rant and vent for it is within your ranting and venting that you will heal and you will find support from those who share your pain and there are many here that do.


Top
#337087 - 07/28/10 10:53 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
You can't "get over it" only through it. I beleive in Mike Lews book he said that saying that grown men don't cry is like saying dogs don't bark. Shortest verse in the bible, "Jesus Wept". The incarnated god cried, it doesn't say that when he had heard about his friend dying that he "manned up and got over it". So the most perfect example of a man that ever lived cried. Your fathers ideas of what a man is or should be is screwed up Zak. Men take care of their children, hold them, comfort them, see that they are healthy and happy. I am so sorry that your father is a jackass. It sounds to me like he is being selfish here and not wanting to take responsibility for screwing up at being a dad and not protecting you. You were a child Zak, how could you of asked for something this horrible.
Your loving brother,
Billy

_________________________
Because I never give up the fight!

Top
#337091 - 07/28/10 11:08 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Mulligan]
Zak Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
thx but u know what
i fucking give up


Top
#337092 - 07/28/10 11:10 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Mulligan]
calv Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/10
Posts: 45
Loc: seattle
Thick heads and hard hearts...
It is so hard to get thru to others.
They just don't get it... or don't want to.
Zak ... your stuff is important!
Come and vent as much as you need!
It helps ME !!!
It helps YOU !!!!
It helps US !!!
Thats what makes us strong!
A three fold cord is not easily broken...

_________________________
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” Barbara Bloom

Top
#337093 - 07/28/10 11:13 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Zak,
I did something similar and got denied as well. it isn't about you it's about him.

I'm sorry he acted that way, but it isn't your fault.

The pain of this will slowly fade. I hope you continue to try to rebuild yourself. You can do it.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#337094 - 07/28/10 11:14 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Nothing is more important than CSA victims telling their stories and experiences just the same as you Zak.

I'm sorry he acted that way.



Edited by kidneythis (07/28/10 11:15 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#337095 - 07/28/10 11:17 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: calv]
calv Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/10
Posts: 45
Loc: seattle
I fucking gave up yesterday ! Zak
Maybe im better today because i did.
I have no power over others or the past...
so i had to let go.
Things are no better today, but Im ok.
I Am going to make it !!!
It just helps when I accept things as they are not as i would have them.
Then i turn it over...( to God)
and i talk about it to my friends.

_________________________
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” Barbara Bloom

Top
#337098 - 07/28/10 11:24 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: calv]
Zak Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
i am just having a hard time understanding
why hes like this. what the fuck did i ever
do wrong? k i know im a big mistake. i know
i remind him of my mother who he hates. but
all i ever did once he came back in my life
was try to be a good guy an d a good son
to him and a nice guy to his family i never
gave him any trouble i never gave him any
reason to be likke this i just dont fucking
understand what i did. i should have never
told him. he called me a liar right to my
face. i WISH is was lying about it. i WISH
i was just mental and making it all up. he
doesnt have any idea how he makes me feel
and worst part is he doesnt care and whats
even worse is i just cant tell myself ok hes
an asshole and get over it. i just cant. i
wish i could. and no matter what i ever do
in my life i know i will never be good enuff
for him yet like a dumbass i keep trying and
keep getting hurt over and over and im so
fucking weak when it comes to him, even with
all this, i know that in a few weeks he'll
be calling for a favor and ill go right back
to help him. why cant i say no to him? why
am i so threatened by him? i feel like im
right back to being a little kid hiding under
the covers covering my ears so i cant hear him
screaming at my mother all over again. and
why play these games. either u want me in ur life
or you dont but dont push me out then call
me back. and now he knows about some stuff and
he'll use it as power over me. i dont know
how to end this. its pathetic. i am fucking
pathetic cry


Top
#337100 - 07/28/10 11:35 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
My father was like this. Everything was balck and white there were no shades of gray in anything. I often felt it as my fault he was like this. "if only I could just act right or make him proud" but that never worked. It never worked because that was never why he treated me that way. It had nothing to do with me at all, anyone present in my place would have been treated the same.

As I have aged I came to realize that he was just a man like me and like me he had weaknesses. I came to realize he was insecure as i opvercame the traits I adopted from him not knowing they were negative I learned he was not the man he wanted me to think he was.
The fact is my dad was a weak, insecure, probably psychopathic in behavior if not actually, and just plain very messed up who had created this self image which required the world around him to be static. Once that static is broken he found he couldn't make this construction fit. So any possibility of this was immediatly reacted to with fear based anger and accusations about me or whomever being defective and less than to keep the false image going for himself. If it's someone else's fault then nothing changed in him. All of this is an unconscious process, learned intuitively as they grew not consciously as you might think.

You are not defective. The feelings you describe are the after effect of the abuse not the reality of who you are and what you are.

You are worthy and far from pathetic.



Edited by kidneythis (07/28/10 11:37 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#337101 - 07/28/10 11:36 AM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
Zak,
I think the reason we love you so much is the fact that you can articulate with words so nicely how we all feel. But please Zak, quit lying to yourself. You are not pathetic, none of this is your fault, and someday you will see that your dad is a jerk and that you don't need him. You can't change him either. Oh by the way, my therapist warned me about confrontations and about being prepared for this type of response(his denial and not taking responsibility in his role in your abuse). So it doesn't sound to out of the ordinary. Maybe he will come around Zak!
Your loving brother,
Billy

_________________________
Because I never give up the fight!

Top
#337104 - 07/28/10 12:08 PM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Eventually you will have enough self worth to pull away from toxic realtionships and wanting his approval. I know this 60 y/o man whose dad died last week. After the funeral, the guy stood at his dad's grave and said, "Now I don't have to work for your approval any more." And a great weight was lifted from this man. Don't wait until you're 60. Be healthy. Keep away from toxic people.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.