My wife and I were discussing, or arguing, and I felt a sensation, of fear.

Since I did not have any anger, I simply let it overtake me. I was not afraid of the loss of control, in fact, it was so familiar, I just allowed it access.

It came over me, and I surrendered. I began to withdraw. I took the covers, I was on the bed, and pulled them up to my chin, and laid down, on the bed, behind the pillows, and I was absolutely terrified, like I was in grave, imminent danger.
I buried my head in the pillows, and put pillows in front of my face. The light was off, and my wife was not in the room, so I had a moment to listen, as I had years ago. The words, muffled by the walls, the foot falls and the bumps of drawers and doors.

Then she came in, opened the door, and I was unresponsive. She talked and all I said was "ok", and "allright", paralyzed and in the fetal position. She reaches and pulls the pillow from my face. I am startled and in terror, my face must have shown it by the look of amazement on her face. I reach back for the pillow, and put it back over my face, and huddle down under the blanket. She leaves.

I am in a memory I am in a dimly lit room, on a bed, a single, it is bleary, the air fresh, but like sun through an unwashed window, hard to see through. I am small, my hands and arms tiny, like a young child. I felt the support of the bed, not the one I was on, but the bed in my memory. I felt the blanket, rough and heavy.

I stared out, pasted the window, to my left, into the dimness, towards a wall, a door?
Finally, I sleep, exhausted from the vigilant expectation of the threat, Dad or mom, or one of the children coming in, to hurt me, verbally, physically. No not sexually, that was special to me, that was my "love", when nothing was hidden from me. I was lucky to be sexual, I was in the cradle of acceptance and love.

The room and memory fade, so inviting and familiar, as I sleep, then and now. Back to the present, but not completely

While I sleep, she texts me, to tell me I am not in danger, where she is, in the driveway, on the highway, I so love her. When I wake, hours later, I am rested, but not out of the paralysis. I peak up to my laptop, while in bed, and type out the story, to you, my brothers. I wait, with fear, of rejection. It never comes, yet I wait, I always wait for it, but that too is waning.

The replies come, support, similar experiences, and great advice. I take from that what I can use, I am special, not alone, of value, cherished. I can interact and parent that child, I can prepare for this memory of fear again, and work through the memories.

That is the plan...

Thanks for listening/reading

Sam

Ride the wave! Remember, this is NOT really happening to you right now. I have felt very similar things - feeling little, sort of in an out-of-body experience, disociation, having a little guy take over for awhile and come out. It's very horrifying, but in a way, very liberating at the same time. Good job!

Remember, there is a little guy inside you, a real little guy who is scared and needs to be protected. You, the adult man, is the protector, the nurturer of this little guy. Love him and take care of him. Visualize that you are taking care of him and taking him from that horrible place into some place wonderful and safe. Never leave your little guy in distress.

I have felt it, but until recently never tied the fear to past events!
(((((((Sam)))))))))

I have felt it, but until recently never tied the fear to past events!
(((((((Sam)))))))))

I can clearly see the little Sam, that precious little boy that needs me. It does not matter no one else was there, then. Only one, or two are needed to grow a child, and I am here for him. Although that may seem self serving, if not me, then who?

I will stand up for this child, and he will have play dates with your children, if you will let him. He is always happier when he is with you.

I am taking him from his abusive situation, a ittle every day, it seems, and he and I appreciate that.

Thank you again, LW.

Sam

((((Billy)))

The answers are coming apace, be patient, they will come to you.

You are going to be healthier and smarter than you have ever been, the energy returns and the hope.

Sam

Awesome experience. And you are amazing!

Here's a little something to leave you with:


"Good-night, sweet prince; and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."


LW

Mystery Science Theater 3000?