I am just feeling very down right now. I have been on a radical rollercoaster ride the last few weeks and I find that I am switching from very elevated highs to down in the dumps lows quite freqently.

I went out for a drive to think and pray and dang it...I had a freaking panic attack while I was driving!!!! Scary as hell!!!! I was thinking about some childhood stuff and I felt the sudden feeling of panic like I was on the verge of remembering something devistating when I was young. It didn't come to me but the emotional pain of it did. I don't know if it really was painful emotions from something I have repressed or not. I just know I started convulsing while driving 45 down a two lane highway.

Well, fortunately I'm back home now. Just feeling like crap.

That sounds pretty scary and I can understand how that could be upsetting. I am glad you made it home safe. I don't have any advice other than to hang on and get through this rough patch. Sometimes these emotionally charged and confusing periods can bring some insight. I think sometimes the high and lows can come from new stuff making its way out or at least getting to that place where it gets more attention. Anyway, I hope you get more settled here shortly as I know how the emotional rollercoaster can feel.

Eric

mike....

my brother... glad to know that you made it home safely... panic attacks SUCK!!!

i truly wish i could've been there to help you through it... it breaks my heart to read what everyone else is going through, sometimes similar situations as to what i'm going through... man, it hurts.....

i got to try and remember that as much crap as we go through that we are also a very caring and compassionate group of men that would gladly give up an arm to help one of our brothers in survival..

i wouldn't be anywhere near as far along in my recover without you guys as i am... just know, my brother mike, that we are here for you too...

todd

I had a panic attack last week on the freeway. I could feel myself becoming light headed and the world spinning around. I started yelling and and trying to focus so i wouldn't crash. It was awful. I understand. I have found for me that the feelings of the abusive event comes first before the memory. It's awful -more than awful - it is horror. But as real as it seems, it is on the feeling and it is not happening. When I was in therapy several years ago, I told my T that these feelings of abuse are like large waves and I ride the waves on my surfboard. The meaning behind this is not to be comsumed by the wave of emotion, but to realize it is NOT happening now and ride it patiently knowing you will get through it. The lie we tell ourselves is that it will never end. To help get it out, write about it and draw pictures about it. Sounds dumb, but it really works.

Yeah, I felt light headed and the world (the road) spinning around too and I screamed as well. I then felt the need to puller over somewhere away from where I could be heard and scream at the top of my lungs. I was close to a place where I could do that but someone was there so I didn't stop. I just went home.

At this point I don't know if it was a flashback, a panic attack or both. I am leaning toward flashback but to what, I don't know. I have had flashbacks before that were nothing but the full intensity of emotions from a specific traumatic event. But in those cases, I knew exactly what it was from...the attempted rape. Last night's flashback/panic attack (whatever) didn't come from an event that I am conscious of. I was thinking about the peer abuse when I was 9 and I don't have any conscious trauma from that. I was also thinking about the time that I was held back in 2nd grade and what could have precipitated my unacceptable behaviors then. This is still a mystery to me. I have a number of fragmented memories from that time and earlier that could help piece this mystery together. This is something for me and my T to talk about on Tuesday.

Mike

I think it is very tempting to try to push and dig for memories. But I know when I did that, I created more problems and more trauma. I believe we should be very gentle and let the feelings and memmories come naturally. It is good that you are talking to your T soon.

Yeah, being very careful is important when it comes to exploring for hidden memories. I am aware of false memories and I certainly don't want go down that road. I've known there are some loose ends since begining this work over two years ago. I have deliberately not focused on them. It can be difficult though. To me its like living in a house where you don't have access to all the rooms. Some of them are locked and I don't have the key. And in some of these rooms I can hear something behind the door. Something is in there and it sounds mean. What do I do? Wait for it to come out on its own or try to get in that room to see what it is?

Mike

Don't be concerned about "false" memories. This is a concept that was invented by the insurance industry.

It's like losing you keys. You eventually find them sometimes a long way down the road, Maybe so long you don't remember losing them, or you don't remmeber how they got where they are but the keys are still keys. They aren't "false" keys.

My T appt. was hard core again yesterday. The last four or so sessions have all been pretty weighty and emotionally draining. This one was no different. I talked to my T about being held back in 2nd grade.

Wondering what was at the core of my behavior issues that caused me to be held back, I jotted down some notes the other day about things I remember when I was 4 to 8 years old. They include shop lifting, stealing returned soda bottles and returning them again to get the refund, stealing money regularly from my parents, I even thought how I could steal money from the bank, setting the back yard on fire, setting the carpet in my bedroom on fire, being cruel to our pets (dog and cat) by dropping them from the the top of the stairs down to the first floor, having the run of the town on my own at 5 years old, being brought home by the police, running away from daycare, etc.

When I listed these items to my T, he reminded me that my parents were neglecting me at this vital time in my childhood. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was extremely home sick and emotionally distracted having moved from England to the U.S. I was severly neglected and my behavior showed it. My T told me this the first time over two years ago. Back then I didn't want to hear it. I didn't believe him. I didn't want to believe him. I've spent two years not believing him. Well, yesterday, I sat in stunned silence, having finally connected the dots. I couldn't get out of it this time. The cold, hard facts stared me in the face, mocking me. It is true, my mom and my dad were disconnected from me emotionally from an early age. And that's the way I grew up...emotionally detached. Not just from my family, but from everyone.

I feel so alone.

Mike

My T appointment yesterday was a shocker. My T finally opened my eyes to the grim fact that mom and dad grossly neglected me during my early childhood. It wasn’t neglect in all aspects. I never went hungry. My family always had dinner together. I always had clean clothes. In fact my mom used to make most of my clothes when I was younger. And the house was always clean and well kept both inside and out. It was the emotional disconnection. The lack of guidance and supervision forced me to figure things out on my own. There was a lack of boundaries and a lack of personal identity which my T says is defined for a child under 8 by his parents. These things left me feeling insecure.

The neglect is evidenced by my acting out in various ways from about 4 to 8 years old. As a young boy I was left to fend for myself much of the time in an adult world. When it was their responsibility to guide and protect me, my parents set me loose to figure things out on my own. I suffered. I was insecure, angry and confused. And I didn’t know anything different. It was being left on my own to figure things out that led me to incorrect conclusions, some very dangerous. For instance, once when I was 6 or 7 I thought it OK to get the longest knife I could find in my mom’s kitchen to play swords with my friend who had just got a plastic toy sword for his birthday. Very fortunately, my friend’s mom saw me with the knife and quickly intervened, sending back home with the knife. Where was mom or dad when this occurred? I don’t know. I just know, I was on my own.

Mike