Why is it I am afraid of coming back to MaleSurvivor, and the guys that I have disclosed some very personal pain to?

I am tormented by the overwhelming feelings this past month as the memories are stronger and the feelings, not anger, just fear.
I do not want to experience that fear, or even remember it. So I try to avoid the places where I have experienced that fear and that trembling.

What is the way, my brothers, how have you overcome the fact that here is where the pain is, and here is where the healing is? I cannot continue to not want to be here, nor do I want the anxiety of another recovery "attack".

I may not want to know. I have always been counter phobic. Where there is fear, there I am bursting through the door. But not this, this is different, it is fear, without the heroics, and I am a small boy, as I recently experienced and posted.

No adrenaline, no fireworks, just a small corner, a blanket and my face turned away.

Please, help me.

I have slowly learned what sort of posts to avoid. I also avoid certain persons posts because they trigger things in me. Ummmmmm Yea that's it for me

Thank you, kt,

It is difficult to here the pain of survivors when the topic is so close, for sure. I am proud of your strength to continue to come here and support your community within the balance of your safety.

I too, find some posts to be extremely triggering, and have ot be careful of my searching.

I am also trying to understand why I am triggering, myself. My own posts and the anxiety of the last couple of discoveries, are really troubling me. I am acting as if I am too small, like there is no other solution to the past abuse, and I cannot bring up the new training and thinking, I am just paralyzed.

I do not like me there, but maybe the recovery path needs me to be here, to remind me of the past,maybe the longer I am suffering, the deeper the endurance?

Thank you, my brother,

Sam

I think that sounds like you are maybe going to fast or too deep before you are ready.
Do you have a T to discuss this with? One of the reasons I avoid depth that doesn't just come organically is because I don't have a T right now.

Yeah, you are right,

No therapist, never had one.

So, take a break? Too much too soon? This digging is pretty easy, but where to put the dirt?

Sam

Big smile! nice line you aren't so bad off as you think if you can still make fun.
Yea a T will be able to give you direction and a format to start with and as they get to know you it will become more refined.

As always when you can't climb out stop digging.

(((kt)))

Thank you.

Glad I helped you made my day.

Your post reminded me of how I avoid pain. It is like I am a wanted criminal always running from one place to another. I live somewhere for awile then I start getting depressed (I take anti dep...) When I go to a new place it is fun, but my baggage get forwarded to my new address. I am scared of people getting to know me because then they can hurt me. Vunerability. I am on disability so i am independat. I worked in 2008 and was about to lose my disability. I started getting paraniod of conspircys against me at work and afraid of my dependance on the job for money. I figure if they can hurt me, they will. I used to be vigilant at work always thrying to figure out what people were thinking about me. I would go down a list of possible scenarios for each person and I would always have anger in my gut because i thought everyone was out to get me. I want to be ready and dont want to be surprised. Of course if you think like a victim you remain one. I take antipych drugs which are my friend.

My paranioa was needed to protect me from my parents and relitives but it is an obsolete tool that is not needed anymore.