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#336696 - 07/24/10 09:42 AM Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5941
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
She is angry, she is angry and I am terrified,
They are going out and they want me to come,
but I do not want to go, just leave me,
I am safe in the house, but I am not with you.

I am in bed, and the light is on. I have a
pillow over my face, and the covers over me, like a shield.
She comes in to see if I am ok, "I am", I reply quickly, just a stomach ache. She leaves, and I count the steps to down the
hall to the stairs, then nine foot falls till the landing, then three more to the first floor. I am guessing now, about three or four seconds to the kitchen, and the door to the outside should be opening now. A quiet phffftt and the door shuts. I sneak out of bed and tiptoe to the top of the stairs and listen, sounds like they are all gone. Good. I quietly step down, one, two three. There is an opening here and I peek my head out to see if anyone is there. Shh! this step is creaking.

No one. Good. Down to the landing and then to the Master Bedroom. I turn the handle slowly, and open it a peak. Sometimes mother is in there, sleeping with her back to the door. I hardly ever see dad.

The kitchen is clean, and oddly dark on a sunny day, like looking through trees when a canopy doesn't let the sun in. Did they park in the garage? No, I don't think so. Uhp, yep, there they are already a block away, next to Lori's house, the old Aspen wagon driving away. My stomach is grumbling and churning, but better than the lock that was there moments ago.

I am free, for about an hour and a half. I go to the refrigerator, and get some cereal, Cheerios, usually. I make a bowl and head downstairs. The television my dissociative friend, so safe and chatty, I breathe a sigh of relief.

Ever vigilant on the clock, I spend that precious free time imagining I am wherever TV is. Electric Company, Knight Rider, Leave it To Beaver, I am there, safe.

The bowl empty, and some chip crumbs I had gotten, but I really do not remember when. The tv off, it is getting close to the time they will come back. Upstairs to the sink for the bowl and spoon, put the Cheerios box away, I almost forgot. Roll the top on the chips bag and put it in the island cabinet, face it towards the outside wall. Check. Nope, not home or driving up. Good.

Sit in the kitchen for awhile, on the swivel chairs, and pivot like an amusement park ride. Safe. I make myself bread and butter and sugar. Yummy, I love when the sugar goes into the back of my throat and I swallow, and all that butter creaming in my mouth.

Aaaargh! The car is in the drive! What happened! Aaaaaaaah! I sweep the sugar on the carpeting floor, and throw the butter in the frige, the bread in the bread box and RACE up the stairs, panting. Did I leave the sugar out?

I freeze at the top of the stairs, paralyzed, should I try to get back to the sugar? Will they notice? I start to go down the steps, and the door swooshes open. I run on my tip toes, and quickly get into bed. No, you can't shut the door, they will know something is up. Just close it a little.

Panting, breathing hard, heart racing.

I wipe my mouth with my fingers, and my cheeks, the butter and sugar a reminder of how, for almost two hours, I was normal.

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#336697 - 07/24/10 10:00 AM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: SamV]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 613
Thank you Sam. I don't know why you wrote this, but I've never seen someone throw a full moment-by-moment reenactment of some childhood event. You shared the fear you were in, but more importantly, I felt it. I say this to let you know....

I may do this someday. In fact, your message/intent, from that perspective, makes much more sense now.

Thank you for sharing it with us. It affected me.

Alfred


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#336698 - 07/24/10 10:11 AM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: fhorns]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Your vignette was short but very powerful... I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't understand how anyone would do this to a child.

I'm going to go hug my son now.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#336716 - 07/24/10 02:02 PM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: CruxFidelis]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5941
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Alfred and Pete, thank you.

I was completely triggered this morning due to a series of events that those involved had no idea of the impact to me. As I continue to expose the memories of abuse and fear, I find these moments coming every two weeks, about, and while powerful, once they are exposed, they seem to lose their power, giving up their hold.

While in them however, I am as helpless as a wounded pup, unable to perform the smallest of functions while in its grasp.

Alfred, I hope you are safe and well, I did not wish to trigger you. Thank you for your thoughts, you are special to me.

Pete, thank you for your insightful parenting thoughts, I too, wait for my boys to come home, and I will hug them, as I have held little Sam, in his room, and cried with him today.

Your replies are my lifeline, I am tethered securely with you, on this cliff face, so intent on not letting us conquer it.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#336857 - 07/25/10 11:16 PM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: SamV]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Thanks for your post.
In the house we livind in growing up it was best to be invisable. Often my window in my room was my front door. You never knew what you would get coming in the door. My father had a rage fit every day. Because we kids could not be perfect. In fact when I made a mistake I felt I deserved to be punished. The house was safe when no parent was home and we could relax instead of being on pins and needles. Dread when father would knock on my door. One day when I was 17 my father told me and one of my brothers that we had to leave, That we could not live there anymore. My youngest brother could stay. we had to leave in 2 hours. I was younger about 14 when I was living with dad and his new wife. One day father said me and brother had to leave pack your things and go stand on the sidewalk untill your mother comes. That was a few hours. The feeling of not being wanted was very painfull. His wife did not like us.
I was also taught helplesness. To not defend myself (if you struggled it would hurt more, I remeber being told by parents). I was tall in school in the 8th grade if someone wanted to fight me I did not think I could defend myself and let them hit me and kick me.
I grew up having to be ready for anything.


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#336858 - 07/25/10 11:28 PM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: little big man]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
I never got the feeling I was wanted by my parents growing up. I certainly was not important nor were my feeling/emotioal health. When things happened, like my brother drowning, no one talked to me and my brothers, you just had to deal with it yourself, we were not important. It was an adult centered home. It was as if I was a jew in nazi germany being beaten for slight mistakes, yelled at, having my things broken, having things taken away and no privicy (having my room searched when I was at school. When I was in my twentys I would go to dads house for holiday meals. It was not up to me how much I ate, it was dads. He forced me to eat till my stomach hurt. If you opened the fridge on your own and got something to eat he considered that stealing. I am so glad he is dead.


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#336861 - 07/25/10 11:52 PM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: little big man]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
sasuva,

The pain does fade after awhile.


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#336892 - 07/26/10 10:37 AM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: little big man]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
You are not alone in your events and feelings. Many of us come from these situations. Unfortunately you will need to go through the feelings and heal. But once that is done, then it fades and only remains as a dream or perhaps some distant tv show you saw once. I promise!


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#336902 - 07/26/10 12:18 PM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: little big man]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5941
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((((((little big man)))))))

You could have lived in my house, your story, mirrors mine in great detail. I feel your pain, and your closure, lb man, that is a powerful motivation for me, I humbly thank you.

Please, if you have not already, post this to a new topic, it is this disclosure that is unveiling and cathartic.

I look forward to the fade, my dear brother.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#336927 - 07/26/10 04:38 PM Re: Paralyzing fear of physical abuse, triggers [Re: LW1527]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5941
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thank you LW1527,

I am not alone, my brothers support and protect me from false steps. My goal is to continue recovery, no matter the length and breadth, my desire is to recover, not get it over with.

We never get over it.

My appreciation for your comments and support,

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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