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#336664 - 07/23/10 09:25 PM Meeting new people
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I seem to have a problem meeting new people. Like someone's friend, children, parents, etc. I guess it all has to do with the fact I feel like I'm a loser and I guess I feel like I will be judged by people. If I don't meet them I won't get judged

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#336676 - 07/24/10 01:03 AM Re: Meeting new people [Re: onlyakid]
alone Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 55
Jason,
In spite of my online name, you are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I have always felt lower than low. Everybody, in my eyes has it all together except me. I have had to attend some fancy things and I feel not like "a fish out of water" but like "a fish in the desert". For years I have used humor to cover it up. Most of the time I get away with it. A few intuitive people have seen right through me but are kind when they ask me what is wrong. I just say low self esteem and stop at that. So while I am not quite a hermit, I am a homebody most of the time. People will think what they want of you or me and we really can't change that whether good or bad.

alone


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#336713 - 07/24/10 01:10 PM Re: Meeting new people [Re: alone]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
Hi Jason,

I, too, have great difficulty meeting new people.

For a while, I was doing a lot better in that regard. However, over the past several years, I have taken a real down-turn when it comes to meeting new people.

So much so, that if I go to a friends' house and he has someone there (or they come over while I am visiting him) I get downright angry. I don't want to meet new people, and I don't want to be put in a position where I don't have a choice in the matter.

I don't want to have to go through the "niceties" of meeting someone, pretending I'm interested in them, etc.

I must say, that when such a situation happened the last time I visited a friend, I was initially very angry that this person came over. Over the course of the evening, I actually found myself starting to like her, after initially almost going ballistic on her for her stupidity.

I guess that last word sums up my feelings about other people right now.... I have very little tolerance for others in a face-to-face situation, though I am not entirely sure why.

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.


Anomalous

_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#336804 - 07/25/10 01:18 PM Re: Meeting new people [Re: Anomalous]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
onlyakid,

My fear of meeting new people and having them get to know me is so intense that I think I'm people phobic. I naturally assume that they have their act together and that they will judge me negatively, because I know that I don't have my act together. Been this way since I was a teenager. It's more noticeable now though, at least to me it is. My therapist says that avoiding the feared situations (social or otherwise) only reinforces them. He says that if I expose myself to what I fear the shame and anxiety will diminish so that I can manage these situations much better. That's the theory, but I haven't put it in practice yet.

Thanks for the topic,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#336822 - 07/25/10 03:51 PM Re: Meeting new people [Re: Casmir213]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I've been that way since the abuse as a child Rocco. I have done the exposure thing to and have had some success with getting friends but my ignorance when revealed has always been mocked and used to hurt me so I never got past the point of exposing myself to the possibility as I never figured out what the thing I missed was and I never got/get acceptance around the mistakes I make and things I don't know. This lead in the past to me hangin out with people who liked to abuse me mentally out of the desperate need for human contact. Even that need is mocked.
I still expose myself to the fear and still fail fairly often. I have no friends currently. In the 90's I had the illusion I had finally gained acceptance but I should have known by the fact of me not learning anything knew and no one telling me about or pointing to any of my failings and asking me if I saw them or what I thought of them, or anything frank at all, that I was being treated dishonestly. This proved out when I had an emotional breakdown over a my first relationship after sobriety and the steps ended, and everyone I knew disappeared on me.

This is why I have always hated indirect talkers. They claim it is done to protect others but its only to protect themselve's and to preserve advantage.
Otherwise how is my imagined or potential reaction to something any reason to not tell me something? This is how classes are created and separation of groups is reinforced, not how one expresses proper respect for another.




Edited by kidneythis (07/25/10 03:55 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#336899 - 07/26/10 11:54 AM Re: Meeting new people [Re: kidneythis]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I understand. While growing up, I was a loser and loner. A great combination. I was in fights after school and grew up lonely and angry. Anger changed to hatred of people. Behind the hatred was fear of strings attached, distrust and fear. I think we all need people and support. As for me, it has to be on my terms. I told a man the other day who had emotionally abused me for a very long time that I was going to try to foregive him, but that I would never trust him. Trust, I believe, is the foundation of all relationships. Without trust, we don't have much to base anything on.


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#336920 - 07/26/10 03:51 PM Re: Meeting new people [Re: LW1527]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11053
Loc: Denver, CO
Same here, LW. Loser and loner as a kid.

It's difficult to meet new folks when life taught us that relationship can hurt. But, this can be overcome, especially if we happen across a good mentor in our lives.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#336979 - 07/27/10 09:19 AM Re: Meeting new people [Re: FormerTexan]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Trust me, I know exactly how you guys feel. As I look back over my short life I feel as though I've always been a loner. Even as a kid I never had a lot of friends - only two or three close ones. I guess that's OK when you're a kid but as a teen and an adult it feels like the worst thing in the world. And the older I get the more awkward I feel. It's terribly hard to make new friends when you're 20 years old. I always think people will look at me and say to themselves "Who the fuck is this loser trying to intrude on my life? Go away!" Like some of you said it feels like everyone else already has their lives together and here I am stuck in the same place I was last year. Lonliness in the worst feeling in the world. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Terrick

_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#336984 - 07/27/10 10:17 AM Re: Meeting new people [Re: Clockwise]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
You're right. Making friends and trusting is hard. It would be great to have mentor you could trust and I am glad when someone has that. But it seems that is not the norm at least for me. Mentors just turn out to be jerks for me. So I developed a hard, brass exterior that normally intemidates people. I know people don't like me because they can see "loser" all over my face. There isn't a whole lot I feel I can do about that. I wish there was better advice I could give. Sorry.


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