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#279691 - 03/16/09 05:05 PM A serious question
alone Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 55
where's my post?

***********************************************************

Yes, this original post of mine was 16 months ago. But someone deleted it. I only discovered it in April of this year when I said “Where's my post?” In my haste to post, I didn't check who had edited it. I guess I had forgotten about this short thread. I forget a lot of things. Meds don't help with memory either.

Anyone who reads the replies can pretty much tell what I was talking about. Admittedly, it is a very fearful and touchy subject. But it is there nonetheless. My question is if this forum is for help for survivors, is there still a limit on subject matter? Some very nasty things go on in this old world and if you can't talk about it here, then where? Yes, I have talked to people I had to pay to talk to. It's not the same. I don't get on here much because I can't shake the feeling of being alone in a crowd, real or virtual.

alone




Edited by alone (07/14/10 01:39 AM)

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#279703 - 03/16/09 06:36 PM Re: A serious question [Re: alone]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
alone,

It took courage to present this problem to MS Discussion. I think this is probably one of the most feared problems these guys can have. Therefore they don't often bring it up.

I think that there are at least 2 things involved here. Of course I don't really know you very well or the history of your CSA, but I can guess at some things which are probably true for you.

1. You were abused at around that age. You said you were abused at age 12. The boy actor in the picture was 12 when the picture was taken. The abuse left you with some strong subconscious emotions. When you see pictures such as the one you presented above, you experience something that psychologists term "projection". You project yourself into the picture, or even into the movie or whatever. You see yourself as being the boy actor. The picture brings out the emotions you experienced when you were abused.

2. When this abuse took place, it actually caused a disruption in the nerve circuits in your brain. Children are not equipped to handle the emotions of sexual abuse. The area of your brain affected by these emotions gets "cut off" or repressed. It doesn't die or anything, but it just gets isolated as though it had a road sign saying: "Closed: No Entry or Exit or Traffic Allowed". This may occur during sleep following the abuse.

This leaves the abused child feeling very much cut off at that age from himself and the emotions of abuse. This gives rise to what we call the "inner child". Many of us here at MS feel the effects of what we feel as an inner child. It is not that a little boy is alive inside like a parasite, but it has to do with those areas of the brain that got closed off after abuse.

If the abuse is particularly flagrant, then the guy may have what is known as "depersonalization disorder". This is where he has lost touch with himself as a child. He is constantly searching: "Is that me? Is that him? Where did he go?" So then he sees a kid in a movie and it brings out all of those broken off feelings from the abuse. Then he feels guilty. He asks himself, "Am I really that kind of a wretched guy that I feel this emotion toward that boy in the movie?" But it is really this matter of depersonalization disorder.

The way out is some good counseling with a good T (therapist). The counseling procedure called EMDR is a very effective treatment this problem. EMDR opens up the repressed areas of the brain and brings those together with the adult areas of the brain. In doing so it solves the problem.

And, one other thing. I'm sorry this is so long. But the guy with this problem should resist masturbating to this image or movie. The reason is that that would initiate a new process of sexualization to that image. That might make later resolution of the problem with a T more difficult.

If you have additional questions or comments, please feel free to post them. If they are of a personal nature, you may send me a PM (personal message).

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#279714 - 03/16/09 07:52 PM Re: A serious question [Re: alone]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
yes alone, i think what allen has spoken of here makes complete sense.

isn't it freeing to consider that other influences have been at work all these years, and that you are not possessed by an evil spirit or a devil? that these things once understood can be dissolved, and new imprints can be formed to take their place.

the recovery process is among other things, one of recognition, discovery and repurposing.

welcome to recovery!

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279722 - 03/16/09 08:15 PM Re: A serious question [Re: Sans Logos]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Alone it happened with me too when I was younger. I was abused roughly age 6-10. Wouldn't you know that around 13 or 14 I used to think about the same things you did, with kids 6-10. It dulled but never really went away until I got into therapy, and that did me a lot of good. It took me until this past year right before my 21st birthday to get me in the door though.


I have made large steps forward, although sometimes I feel like I'm still getting thrown around in a loop sometimes with my thought processes. My T pointed out to me today though that even if we move forward, it's not always in a direct line, and that sometimes we may be moving forward while tumbling end over end over end over all this stuff flying around inside.

For me I was ready to move on, and then when I got triggered again it brought up more memories that I hadn't yet accessed and worked through. So these things can take time, but like anything else, if you want to succeed you just have to put in time and hard work and you can grasp it. Good luck with your trip man.


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#279762 - 03/16/09 10:12 PM Re: A serious question [Re: AndyS87]
recovery Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/11/07
Posts: 39
i read some of the other posts. and i want to tell alittle about the way i felt.

first, i had some incidents with SA. but, they hurt. but, nothing changed in my life. just i tried to disassociate myself from my sexual being. no hyper arousal.

then, i was allegely, assulted again. this time in my sleep. but, i have no evidence. maybe, they perp or person, want to play a big joke. but, i said to myself. you know this is the last time it happens to me. and i read about SA. and the negative effects. thinking now, this wasn't that right things to do. i should of let things settle down. then, try to get help.
I was to shamed and scared to seek help.

Here goes, I was working a construction yard. and like all place people like talking about sex. then, they saw me react. because i wanted to avoid sex. i wanted to get away from people talking about sex.

see, they saw my weakness, and they targeted it. they sexually harrassed me. To get me to scream. and i knew it was all fake. but, something inside of me could not handle it. I was scared.
They would keep the subject on gay sex all the time. Telling me its just like straight sex. And I had insecurities of thinking getting assulted can change my sexuality. And scared that all the perps. can read me. and make me their target. I was scared of being someones target.

They would comment on my body parts. while I would be turned around. and say you look great or something.

The worst is mean, I was trying to concentrate on my job. They would come in back of me and pay by butt. and i would turn around and try to defend myself and get mad. I don't like that.

The truth, is there was something inside of me. I was scared of missing a beat and letting a perp hurt me. so, i was on guard. and having someone patt your butt or grap it. Even, if it seemed harmless hurt.

Since, then my butt. is sensitive and my arousal is hyper. I don't touch it and always protect it. Then, I started masterbating alot. after not. not, the other cases of SA.
But, they would always talk about masterbating,etc. and I would be like I never masterbate. I masterbate. but, i haven't masterbated in long time. And I wasn't compulsive at it.
After, that i became complusive for along time. Now, I stoped. but, i can easily fall into it.

I believe, I masterbate trying to resolve all the hyper emotions in my body. and then, it never really resolves them.

The worst, after getting SA harrassed. when i see small children. there is a guilt complex or something inside of myself.
Its like I feel alot of bad emotions. I don't think that is normal.

I start feeling like a bad person.

When i think of it logically. Sexual Harrassment or what they did. they way I took it wasn't good because I was trying to protect my self and deal with all the other things.

Anyone want to comment.


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#279763 - 03/16/09 10:35 PM Re: A serious question [Re: recovery]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
sorry recovery,

how helpless you must have felt going through all that. every little unsolicited act against you was no less than and act of rape. mad

and i remember recoiling at the touch of someone handling me without my invitation. just recently, someone did that exact same thing to me. pat my butt. it was really odd because i secretly wanted to be butt patted by this person, but when it happened i had this sense of loss of respect for him.

wtf?

also, it makes perfect sense that when you see children who were around the age of your abuse, there springs from your heart a longing to feel the 'fit' of that vignette. you have nothing to feel guilt or shame about. perhaps your depression at times like this is just a grief from not having had the opportunity to know that kind of apparent closeness in your own life. that's the sense it conjures up for me. i am always triggered to feel badly about myself when i see the warmth and love of such pure and unfettered joi de vivre and never is it more apparent than in children at play.

hoping for all the best for you,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279770 - 03/16/09 10:55 PM Re: A serious question [Re: Sans Logos]
recovery Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/11/07
Posts: 39
it hurt me for one reason. its like i have to look over my shoulder the rest of my life. at any, moment someone can assault me when i put my attention on something else.

but, the reality. is the people who did this. they were rallied by a person. that just saw my weakness. and wanted to exploit it.


but, they never considered themselves rapist. and i didn't want to be touched because i was scared and going threw alot. and another reason even if its no SA. it was a taking away of my dignity as a person.

but, i don't know if i should call it rape.

but, you know. sexual harrassment felt like the rape of my emotions.

to most of them. it was a joke. or something they did without think how it can hurt someone. and to some others. it was a method to exploit my deepest fears.

but, when i think of it. i don't think any of them how actually rape me.

it hurt, even if it was a joke.

i kept showing up to work for some reason.


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#335463 - 07/07/10 01:58 AM Re: A serious question [Re: recovery]
alone Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 55
Yes, this original post of mine was 16 months ago. But someone deleted it. I only discovered it in April of this year when I said “Where's my post?” In my haste to post, I didn't check who had edited it. I guess I had forgotten about this short thread. I forget a lot of things. Meds don't help with memory either.

Anyone who reads the replies can pretty much tell what I was talking about. Admittedly, it is a very fearful and touchy subject. But it is there nonetheless. My question is if this forum is for help for survivors, is there still a limit on subject matter? Some very nasty things go on in this old world and if you can't talk about it here, then where? Yes, I have talked to people I had to pay to talk to. It's not the same. I don't get on here much because I can't shake the feeling of being alone in a crowd, real or virtual.

alone


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#336581 - 07/22/10 11:14 PM Re: A serious question [Re: alone]
alone Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 55
this is a good example of why I feel alone


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#336602 - 07/23/10 09:14 AM Re: A serious question [Re: alone]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
If I can jump in here for a minute, man...

Listen - we're all here and trying to get healthy or be healthy, the same as you. We're all at different levels and we're all doing this on our own dime and on our own time.

As much good as this place tries to accomplish, it doesn't take the place of the work you need to do WITH A THERAPIST. We aren't therapists - we aren't licensed professionals. What MS is good for is to work ALONG WITH YOUR REGULAR DIET OF THERAPY SESSIONS. One can't take the place of the other.

Like you - I deal with social awkwardness and feelings of loneliness. For a long time, I allowed myself to file it all under 'I'll always be alone - nobody likes me - why bother' and other self-defeating dreck. Truth is, everyone can and should learn socialization skills and even if you were robbed of the opportunity as a child, you can pick them up now if you have the right attitude and are willing to put the hours in.

So, I recognize that you've got a lot of raw feelings - I feel for you - but please don't plan on using the fact that we aren't more available for you as an excuse. We can't take the place of what you really need in your life and only you can decide what that is. Getting mad at us because our responses don't fill that hole in your heart won't help you.

We're here to help, man. Go do the right thing.


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