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#33659 - 11/13/03 04:51 PM Where is my path? (trigger?)
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
met a girl online...have talked, sent pictures...been sexual with her online. Haven't spoken, haven't done anything non-computer based.

I have a three month old beautiful baby boy. This "other" woman has told me she loves me, and I have told her the same, even as I know I must be out of my mind to even think it.

I have a beautiful wife, who I love, but who has largely ignored me, sexually, and only been available to me or to our other child (10 yo) when the baby is not attached to her breast, which is very rare it seems. this other woman tells me how desirable I am and how foolish my wife is for not recognizing it.

I am torn with anxiety and guilt about this. I need and crave attention, and I am not getting it at home. I cannot stop the obsessive ionline messaging with this woman, and I want more and more...and the more and more I get,the more and more I feel guilty and empty.

I am venting hwere, talking to you guys becasue here is really no one else who I have to be completely open with.

thanks for listening...

James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#33660 - 11/13/03 05:25 PM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
I'm sorry about my spelling I don't have the use of a spell checker at the moment.

James,

You have a very tough road ahead. Unless you want a life of utter misery you need to put your family first. This woman you met on-line met a need you had. I'm sure the feelings you have for her are real but it's only a feeling.

When I saw your post about not being here for a month I was tempted to post in responce "what was her name." I'm playing arm chair shrink here. I think you came back here because this on-line relationship is no loger meeting your needs becuase of your torn feelings like you said "I feel guilty and empty." If I'm off base just say so.


You got into this relationship to meet a basic need, yes a basic need, just as basic as food , clothing & shelter. But James, these things don't last, and just end in hart ake. Believe me, if you think I'm a wind bag about evry thing else I say, take my word about this. I'm speeking from the pain of my own experince. The pain you end up with in the end is not something I would wish on any one.

I know there is no easy way out of this situation. But now is the time, the longer you go the harder it gets.

I wish I could have had something cheerful to say.

Brian.

The Crying Game
Boy George

I know all there is to know about the crying game
I've had my share of the crying game
First there are kisses, then there are sighs
And then, before you know where you are
You're sayin' goodbye

Someday soon I'm gonna tell the moon
About the crying game
And if he knows, maybe he'll explain
Why there are heartaches, why there are tears
And what to do to stop feeling blue
When love disappears

I know all there is to know about the crying game
I've had my share of the crying game
First there are kisses, then there are sighs
And then, before you know where you are
You're sayin' goodbye

Don't want no more of the crying game
Don't want no more of the crying game...


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#33661 - 11/13/03 06:16 PM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
James
change your email address - please.

Brian and Jeff make sense, it's something that's so easy to do, and it seems so real. But, it's not.

At the risk of offending you, ask yourself a BIG question.
Why did you go looking for online companionship ?

And once you've figured that out, ask yourself the likely reason this women sought the same thing ?

I would bet that you were feeling down, depressed, neglected, pissed off and anything else negative you care to mention. So you were in pole position for 'someone' to come along and cheer you up.
But the chances are she was the same !
Bingo ! two pissed off people who instantly cheer each other up. What else is there in common ?
Probably not much, certainly not a family.

How much do you know about me James ? Would you leave home for me ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#33662 - 11/13/03 07:50 PM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
james,
i wont suggest anything about this. i will tell you a page from my own book. three years ago i was still married to the woman i had been with for seven years. for reasons i wont go into here, she ended up getting that seven year itch. she started going online to all hours of the night talking with everyone else but me. that hurt me a great deal. she met a prick online and ended up leaving me. i still carry the scars of the betrayal that started with her not talkng to her husband of seven years. yes, we had problems, but our household did not remotely resemble any scene for domestic violence. in other words, we were both very well educated (not that this means more than we knew of options we could have pursued) and were grounded enough to where we could have talked to each other. she choose not to talk to me. i kept my mouth shut for the few weeks she was doing this even though it was tearing me up inside. i did not have a single clue she was getting ready to leave me. i did not know until she came back from visiting her mother and she packed up that same week then moved in with the prick i mentioned earlier. the story is longer, but the essential point is that she through our seven year marriage away. would our marriage have survived had she not done that? probably not, since we each had our individual problems, but the betrayal is something i carry with me to this very day even though i have lady theo who loves me unconditionally. a person just cannot eliminate the pain of such a betrayal without a lot of work, even then, it can come back to haunt you at the most unexpected times.

bottom line, james, when people that are closest to you get shut out there is a choice to be made. my former wife made the wrong one and i carry the scars for her poor judgement.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#33663 - 11/13/03 11:42 PM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
newMom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/08/03
Posts: 19
Loc: anywhere
At risk of being run off....Can I offer a woman's perspective? Having a small child is a huge responsibility and when you are breast feeding your child has to be attached to you a great deal of the time. Your concern is focused on this little person who is totally dependent on you. I remember being totally focused on my baby daughter. In addition, your southern regions hurt like the dickens, your breasts are huge and as sore as heck. The breast feeding causes you to have zippo desire and causes you to be as dry as a bone. Did I forget being totally exhausted from the constant feedings during the night when you do not get any sleep?
Your wife is probably so focused on the little one, it may not even have occurred to her that you are feeling neglected. I remember my greatest desire at that time was quality, uninterrupted sleep!!

I would suggest getting your wife a breast pump, so she can bottle the baby some meals and leave the baby for a few hours. You make all the arrangements - help get the house clean - get a babysitter, and go out for the evening - just the two of you. Treat her like the very special person she is. You need the time alone together. Time to communicate with each other, time to remember what it is like to be a couple, again. I would love and offer to babysit for you, but I do not live any where close.

You may not be physically sexually involved with this other woman, but you are sharing intimacies with her. Your wife would be crushed and feel totally betrayed if she finds out. Is this other woman worth losing your family over? What type of person would try to break up a family? Is this the type person you would want a long term relationship with?

What would your relationship with your wife be like if you invested your time and energy into that relationship and not in your online one?

Wishing you and your family the best,
newMom


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#33664 - 11/14/03 02:22 PM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Here we go...another female perspective...

New Mom...

You said it all...I TOTALLY agree!

James, I remember my poor husband feeling a little neglected too. He went through it 6 times! (what a guy!) What he did was jump in. He changed diapers, played with the babies, made dinner, finished stuff I started and couldn't get to finish, and did everything he possibly could to make his hormonally-challenged ( \:D ) wife make it safely back to sanity!!! Hopefully, your wife is not like me, the whole pregnancy/nursing thing made me--according to my own observations--just a little "testy" to say the least. My husband deserves an award!

Now, as my baby is about to turn 16, our relationship is iron clad. Things get better, I promise!

I agree with New, that it will make a difference for both of you if you make that first step and try to make HER feel special. When she can, she will return the favor. I promise she will appreciate any pitching in you give, and it will be worth it. She's just had her body turned inside out. It's gonna take a little more than 3 months for all things to be back to normal. Remember the reasons you married her. They're still there.

Hang in there! Please dump the cyber-chick. She's all talk!!! (All "type"!)

Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

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#33665 - 11/16/03 04:40 PM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
James~
I wanted to share with you that I read a really impressive writing on this site in the survivor "stories". I dont remember the title, but it was in regards to how the influx of having a baby effected his being able to shove the sa down and quiet it. It was really a good explanation I thought of what he went thru as a new dad and how that impacted his ability to deal with his sa. In general he flooded with memories when his baby was born.. but his behavior afterward to keep the memories at bay is what I found interesting.
I wanted to let you know also that your needs still need to be met baby or no baby. I hope you can share your needs with your wifey... tho she may be preoccupied with caring for your baby maybe the 2 of you can come up with a way for you to have your individual needs met & be a bigger part of her and baby too?
Big Hugs, those online things are just "words" at this point... no harm no foul ??? I know that "online affairs" or viewing of porn etc can & does cause painful feelings... but I dont hear you actually believing or planning on leaving your family for this personna portrayed.
Quote:
This "other" woman has told me she loves me, and I have told her the same, even as I know I must be out of my mind to even think it.
I think the most important thing here is that YOU ARE NOT UNLOVABLE!
Hope it helps some... big hugs pls understand I am in no way minimizing your wifey but you do recognize WHAT you are needing... individual attention its waaaay ok to need attention.
Peace & please be kind to YOU!
Sammy


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#33666 - 11/17/03 10:52 PM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I am answering so that everyone knows I am reading. I am full of guilt and self-pity and I have a hard time even getting through each post. They all make so much sense.

My wife apologised to me on Saturday and even said , "...any other man would have cheated by now." I now online interaction is nothing more than assisted masturbation, and that this is a fantasy, nothing remotely real about it.

Yet, I suffer...headaches, toothaches, bodyaches, sadness, tears, longing...so much longing. I am not unlovable, I think I know that but why can't I feel it?

love and peace to us all

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#33667 - 11/18/03 03:20 AM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
James~
Awww your wifey apologizing must have hurt like hell. Do you think this may have added to your feelings of guilt and self pity?
Quote:
Yet, I suffer...headaches, toothaches, bodyaches, sadness, tears, longing...so much longing. I am not unlovable, I think I know that but why can't I feel it?
Perhaps James these physical & emotional responses to the situation are what you KNOW about how it feels to be loved? It may be repetitive as hell... but there is so much truth in how one is "taught" to be loved and to love. Thru your experience of the sa your experience of "love" has been traumatized.
just thru a personal experience of mine: when I was locked up for awhile a sex therapist came to speak to our little "group" of survivors & perps. this sex therapist described what she called a "love map" to us. with this she said that we are all born with a blank love map. our life experiences fill in the roads on this map... she had us open our hands up (a fist representing the heart) & look at the lines on our palms. each line represented a love road, they curved intersected etc... some had scars that had healed over, soft yet hard also... protected in many ways. i personally found that i did not have ENOUGH lines to truly represent my own experiences with love &how to give it or show it in a healthy manner.. yet the palm of my hand remains plyable (sp) tough & able to hold much, but still very soft & moveable
i also thought about how many times I had injured my hand with little wounds that hurt like hell... a paper cut for example, but it soon healed over & left NO scars.
Be kind to yourself during this time. Let your tears soften the callous's of your love map.
Peace be with you, Sammy


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#33668 - 11/18/03 05:16 PM Re: Where is my path? (trigger?)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
James
I know that I can create 'false' emotions very easily, I can even feel emotions very strongly while dreaming.

And as you say, it's 'online assisted masturbation' it's so easy to fall for the instant, quick fix, emotion that's stirred by that stuff.

Our true emotions are far deeper, and harder to gain easy access to I think. We grow used to many of them and simply 'forget' that we're feeling them.
I know that after 29 years of waking up next to my wife my immediate reaction is more "what's for breakfast" than "wow" - but I couldn't imagine the emotion of not waking up next to her.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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