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#336560 - 07/22/10 04:44 PM Feedback needed on making progress
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Hello ALL !!

just wanted to share the good news. I won't go into detail but my b/f decided to change therapists for one who has more experience with csa. Also, he's bracing himself and going to group therapy!

Things were rocky between us to say the least in the past few weeks. I don't want to say more but I just HAD to share the good news. Since he sometimes reads what I post here, I figure he'll read the guys' feedback, if any !!

I'm so happy for him !! YAY !!

Thanks to all the guys for their support. And thanks for the PMs too. They mean a lot to me!

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#336561 - 07/22/10 04:52 PM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: Pattycakes]
Turquoise Offline


Registered: 06/21/10
Posts: 5
Pattycakes,

I am so happy for both of you! That is great news. My husband also just switched to a therapist who is focused specifically on CSA (he's had two sessions now) and is really happy with his decision to switch. Hopefully your b.f. will feel the same way. I always enjoy hearing a little good news. Thanks for sharing!


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#336563 - 07/22/10 04:59 PM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: Turquoise]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
"Make Tracks"

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#336565 - 07/22/10 05:25 PM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
LOL thanks you guys !! MB: if you mean what I think you mean, it makes sense !

thanks for the feedback

PC

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#336583 - 07/23/10 12:33 AM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: Pattycakes]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, Pattycakes,

I'm glad that your bf, is seeking a more compentent T.

I am glad that you have stood by him, even when things get rough. He is very lucky indeed.

You are a very compassionate & understanding lady.

I also appreciate your comments in my posts.

I wish my fraternal brother well in his healing.

I wish you well in loving him, even when the going gets rough.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#336600 - 07/23/10 08:54 AM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: petercorbett]
broken13 Offline


Registered: 06/18/10
Posts: 37
Loc: ohio
Good to hear .... we are searching for a good T too .... hard to find in our area. No one really specializes in CSA. Started looking for online/phone counseling.

Wishing you both the best :-)

_________________________
... when you feel like you are falling to the bottom remember God will either catch you or teach you how to fly

... there is a cost to the soul of a person when trust is broken.

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#336634 - 07/23/10 02:25 PM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: dusty42]
Susava Offline


Registered: 07/17/10
Posts: 11
Loc: Mississippi, USA
Hello PC,

This is my first time replying to any post on MS. My husband is a survivor and in his recovery I have become to face my own CSA.

I am sure your b/f will make fine progress and find all the tools he needs to recover. Just being on the right path is inspiring.

Congradulations,
Susava

_________________________
Susava

"Believe in someone, trust yourself."

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#336636 - 07/23/10 02:28 PM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: broken13]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
A good T makes all the difference along with good support from a significant other.

Once we know that our partners are here for us during the good and the bad times, its easier to be open. You loose the fear of being truly honest on the bad days, and whats effecting you.

We deserve to be loved and for me the definition of true friendship/love is when you're there on the worst days. The easy days are just that easy. The true tests are the worst days.

For me, a recent example which might sound strange to some involved my perps house catching fire. My wife asked me if I needed her to cover for me. LOL. I didn't do it, but its nice to know shes on my side. Before recovery I didn't think I deserved or had anybody on my side.

This is a hard road, but much easier with great support, and worth the effort.

H

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#336638 - 07/23/10 02:57 PM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: Castle]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Peter Corbett:
Thank you for your kind words towards me. I enjoy reading your posts and laughing and crying with you. Thank you for your words of encouragement for my b/f. I started this thread for him and I sincerely hope he gets something from you guys.

Broken, thanks for taking the time... I know youre going through tough things right now so your words are very much appreciated.

Dusty: Ill take your word for it! Your advice is much appreciated! And your energy as well!

Susava: Im happy you posted. Welcome to MS. It is a sad reason to be here but the amount of support the guys can give you and your husband makes it worth it to seek recovery. I wish you and your husband the best!

Castle : you are an inspiration. I need not add anything else.


You guys are really great! Id like to add that I feel very lucky to have this man in my life. He has thought me that it is ok to love with all my heart and while his journey to recovery begins, I can only be truly happy for him. He deserves to heal, he deserves to be happy. I am a better person because of him and I only hope to be given the opportunity to continue loving him for a very long time. And in a very selfish way, I hope he loves me for a very long time as well because he makes me feel like a star !

Sincerely,
Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#336655 - 07/23/10 07:30 PM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: Pattycakes]
broken13 Offline


Registered: 06/18/10
Posts: 37
Loc: ohio
I"m not sure I understand Dusty42 .... is that sarcastic? Hate and anger is what's kept my hubby from healing from his adolescent abuse and he's now 44. Our family has suffered much from it too. He is now learning to be vulnerable in this situation by being honest about what happened and what's going through his head now.

Also by him being honest and me reading through many, many stories here on MS, I have remembered some things from my past and shared them with my husband..... by doing that, he was able to open up about a childhood incident.

Maybe I'm reading this post totally wrong .... I'm just confused. Maybe hate the abuse but learn to love "freely" with those that love the survivor. My hubby said he felt so much relief when he opened up completely to me (hasn't yet to a T). He actually said he felt "free"



Edited by broken13 (07/23/10 07:34 PM)
_________________________
... when you feel like you are falling to the bottom remember God will either catch you or teach you how to fly

... there is a cost to the soul of a person when trust is broken.

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#336781 - 07/25/10 10:06 AM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: broken13]
Silly Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/10
Posts: 140
Loc: Virginia
I find Dusty42's reply repugnant and I'd pay no attention it. It's way out of line I think. It makes me sad that someone can feel that way...hate is never an acceptable.

Silly

_________________________
http://esdgc.com/links/shaneCSA.html

http://seriouslysilly67.blogspot.com/

The Round Table, Men's Sexual Abuse Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#336815 - 07/25/10 02:31 PM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: Silly]
broken13 Offline


Registered: 06/18/10
Posts: 37
Loc: ohio
Thanks Silly .... I was thrown off a tad to say the least. It is sad and I'm fairly sure PattyCakes will come back and continue reading in her post to see what you have written.

_________________________
... when you feel like you are falling to the bottom remember God will either catch you or teach you how to fly

... there is a cost to the soul of a person when trust is broken.

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#336884 - 07/26/10 09:12 AM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: broken13]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
You guys,

I think hate can be a good thing sometimes. If Dusty feels it helped him then why not? Maybe it is hard to stop 'loving' a perp or to stop feeling guilty about the perp stopping giving the child 'attention'. Don't forget that many men were abused by family members whom they loved despite the abuse. Sometimes the perp was the only person to give a kid any attention at all. And when the abuse stops, it leaves the child confused and feeling abandonned. Not in all cases but in some, for sure. So, getting to hating that perp may be the first step for some people. Why should anyone forgive what was done to them? To accept it and try to work through it, yes. To Understand that it wasn't one's fault, yes. But why is it so imortant to forgive a perp? I think it is more important to forgive oneself and get rid of the shame and if it takes hate towards the perp, then start with that. The rest of the journey may depend on the ability to feel hate towards the perp and on the ability to understand the hate and direct it towards the right person instead of towards oneself.

Dusty's comment made plenty of sense to me... and I'm not forgetting that it is different for everybody.

Sincerely,
Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#336895 - 07/26/10 11:14 AM Re: Feedback needed on making progress [Re: Pattycakes]
broken13 Offline


Registered: 06/18/10
Posts: 37
Loc: ohio
I guess I was thinking general hate when I read it ... hate to the world and those that try to love you ... just hate - period.

I'm not totally sure hating the perp is best either but I don't know. All I know is that my husband hates his father and I don't know if this has built up a lot of anger inside of him or not. All I know is what we as the family live through and it's with an angry person ... not all of the time but it's underlying ... it's what brings on the short patience .... short temper.

I am not inside my husband's head but I do know what I have seen/felt from the outside and it just seems like with so many of these negative emotions, true happiness and enjoyment of life is hard to find ... peace is just hard ... that the hard core emotions just sit stagnant ready to manifest at the drop of a pin. Anything can set them off ... at any time. It just doesn't seem like a clam way to live. It's Jekyll and Hyde :-(

Also, since I have become faced with the pain of his seeking to "act out", I have not felt SETTLED one bit inside. My body feels different. So many negative emotions are stirring around. My heart rate is faster, my stomach is upset, my nerves are shot and I'm overall just sad and feel lifeless. I can have fun moments with my hubby/kids but it's a disturbing feeling that just sits there in my pit and I don't know how people live like this. My heart goes out for any that can't find that true peace ... whatever negative emotion is trapped inside of them keeps them from just being "comfortable". I've been like this for the last 6 months and it's awful ....... so yeah, not sure if hate brings on a lot of other things but I do believe the more negative emotions we hold on to feed off of either other :-(

_________________________
... when you feel like you are falling to the bottom remember God will either catch you or teach you how to fly

... there is a cost to the soul of a person when trust is broken.

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