With all the maintenance I have to do, so much of it is on my own, more than what anybody else seems to be able to handle... any "normal" person especially. It's been so hard to make it through another day when I don't even want to, I wish to just drop dead and have my heart actually do something instead of the threat it's been carrying these years. I don't have any caretakers, family, or anyone that is constantly around to help me with even the simplest things I need. Nobody experiences exactly what I go through, at most they witness what is done to me. It is so hard for people to imagine I was anything other than this thing I am now no matter what I've accomplished.

When someone don't know me personally they take things as me lacking the skills or whatever else to get myself to a more "hopeful state of being". I'm so far beyond things that it don't make any difference what I do, nothing meets par because "there is always something more one can do". That is not reality for me, there is not "something more", I have done it all over and over and over. I could ask for help and in the blink of an eye, get this crap of this and that being tacked onto my responsibility list. I didn't do anything to have to experience what I experience now or as a kid. They just do not grasp that if there was any more that a person could do then I would have already done it by now. My friends know that for fact but to others it just seems so impossible to have done everything and not have any healing. Those who are really safe to me see how fragile I really am at times and know how much just their time and a hug can do when others think that I ask for too much.

I get asked to perform what people can't perform themselves no matter how unrealistic the request. It's like I'm expected to be super human when there is so much that reinforces that I'm not really human at all. Animals have more love, freedoms, and purpose than this thing I have been forced to be, they even got to hurt me too.

I know exactly how you feel. I to feel worthless, hopeless and helpless most of the time. I have to believe that there's something better though. I hope you can too.

Best wishes!