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#336155 - 07/16/10 11:02 AM starting meds again
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 670
In my recent counseling session, my counselor saw similarities between a friend of his and myself. He had come off his meds, lost his job, and almost lost his family. He spotted this, and he had not even spoken to my wife, as I asked later. She too had wondered if going back on meds would curb my anger and fluctuating moods.

I was resistant at first, as I spent almost 2 years weaning off the meds. But when I realized I might be unreasonable due to moods (as can be common), I reconsidered. Part of it is knowing/feeling out of control of my anger, and also being aware my relationship with my wife has deteriorated.

So I made the call. Talked to my doctor, got the>


Edited by fhorns (07/16/10 11:19 AM)

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#336160 - 07/16/10 01:04 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: fhorns]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
In my opinion most "meds" I'm guessing you mean anti-depressants like Lexopril or Xanax, don't change the mind so much as dampen excitability. I was on lexopril for a few years for migraines and I got used to it fairl quickly and don't think it modified how my mind worked.
I got more mentally modified when I was useing pot for pain. BTW pot only makes you not care, it doesn't take the pain away like opiates do. I have bad physical reactions to opiates. It also makes one very very stupid.



Edited by kidneythis (07/16/10 01:05 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#336161 - 07/16/10 01:09 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: kidneythis]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 670
Kidney, I've heard that from people who got hooked on opiates. It's been a repeated theme among them: "they're just too easy to take."

I used to be on Lamictal and Keppra for the seizures, then Zoloft for depression. When I talked to my doctor, he first suggested Zoloft, but I prefer Lamictal since I know it is not an SSRI (anti-depressant) but a mood stabilizer. It's often prescribed for bi-polar patients. That's what I'm on.

Alfred


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#336162 - 07/16/10 01:20 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: fhorns]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Its not the addiction problem even though the last time I used them the doctor got me physically hooked then suddenly was out of town and no one would refill for me so I had to go cold turkey to get off them and started using alcohol again. This lead to me trying pot and drinking a lot for several years. I was very angry and swore I'd never let a doctor get me onto meds again. I now take about 25 pills a day. So much for that idea.
I've never had a drug addiction problem except for that.

The problem for me is that they lock up my colon like its full of cement.



Edited by kidneythis (07/16/10 01:22 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#336166 - 07/16/10 02:14 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: kidneythis]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6872
Loc: USA
Alfred,

It sounds good for you to take some meds as you describe. Looking back on my own recovery time, I think I would have done much better to have been on some good meds. I took zoloft for 1 1/2 years and I didn't think it helped but looking back on it now I see that it enabled me to pull out of my tail-spin.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#336168 - 07/16/10 02:22 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: pufferfish]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 670
Thanks for the words Allen. I value your encouragement. Thank you.

Alfred


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#336354 - 07/19/10 04:49 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 670
You know what's weird and frustrating? I've been on these for almost 4 days now, and I feel.....detached.....from so much of my pain and anger.

I admit regret for not being able to feel so much of my pain. I don't know about many of you, but I found so much identity/belonging (?) in my pain here. With that came regular support and comfort from many of you. Scared to post that, but hell, it's the truth for me. I've held on to my pain, so I could find others to relate with. I guess I don't identify with "normal", or whatever that means.

Please, please, someone. I hope I'm not alone with this. Being around you guys has given me a hope I didn't have before in the midst of it.

In the back of my mind are stories about bipolar patients resistant to taking their meds regularly. Before, I never thought I could relate. DAMN!

No, I'm not planning/fantasizing about stopping. I'm just frustrated with the results.

Alfred



Edited by fhorns (07/19/10 04:50 PM)

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#336357 - 07/19/10 05:34 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6872
Loc: USA
Alfred,

Is it that pain seems to validate our livelyhood?

I think I can remember being a little kid and falling off my bike and scraping my knee. The pain seemed to make life more real for a little while.

Allen


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#336360 - 07/19/10 05:53 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: pufferfish]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 670
Yeah, Allen. Pain is "real"!!!!! Sharing it here, feeling it, validates me like no meeting or group has. It's been, genuinely, ME!!

I'll save myself from the rationalizations for right now. I just kind of miss feeling "connected".

(Does this make any sense???)


Alfred


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#336440 - 07/20/10 11:33 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: fhorns]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Alfred,

I see using meds as aid.. just like insulin is for diabetics.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#336466 - 07/21/10 10:43 AM Re: starting meds again [Re: michael banks]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
It sounds like what you are describing is that the intensity of the pain has diminished which is I think the whole point of taking the meds. I also think that with that reduction in intensity you will be better able to enact your plans for recovery. The sudden spikes in emotion will not be as strong and have less of a chance to upset the apple cart of recovery.

I like that metaphor.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#336470 - 07/21/10 10:58 AM Re: starting meds again [Re: kidneythis]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 670
Yeah..............(trying to admit "but.." ..................

It was more surprizing, engaging, exciting not being on them so long. I knew it would be beneficial for me, and everybody. Just my feelings, in admitting to my wife this morning, are "blaaaahh". Oh well. I'm on them. This was mostly a bitch post (because part of me says "I don't like this!!!!")

I may change my signature to "enslaved by meds". :-)

(I don't like this!!)

And this is week one.

Alfred



Edited by fhorns (07/21/10 10:59 AM)

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#336471 - 07/21/10 11:20 AM Re: starting meds again [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6872
Loc: USA
Alfred,

Now that I think about it, when I was on zoloft, my marriage got restored, my mood leveled out, I started taking care of other people, and then I became employed. smile

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#336479 - 07/21/10 12:31 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: pufferfish]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 670
You are so ....right Allen. I know. It's funnier as the day goes on. I know I'm just venting here, hoping someone doesn't think I'm too committed to quitting. I'm in a very good mood at the moment; I just don't feel...I chose it. frown Something says there's something wrong/different/weird about that. (maybe?)

I'm admitting liking control of my emotions. It was (addictive?) And....I actually started them because I wasn't in control of them.

Thanks for replying Allen. I'll give them some time, bitch a little here or there, and plan......for it later, like a year from now. (Allen, did you do this?)

Alfred


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#336513 - 07/21/10 10:32 PM Re: starting meds again [Re: fhorns]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Alfred,

Like you I struggle with taking meds for years. But for me it boils down to the fact that emotionally I feel alot better when I am on them. Not so mny ups amd downs. I can fall into depression and not see it for months. When things get too intense I disasociate without being aware that I am doing so. I survived my childhood by not being present emotionally or being even aware of how I am feeling. So even thu I am feeling in control of how I am feeling. I am not becausee I am just choosing to ignore what is really going on in my life. I can be real selective in what I choose to be part of reality and I see alot if not most people live this way too.
Control is just an illusion. The only control we have is the choice of whether we will deal with life as it is not as how we want it to be.
Meds for me are an aid to deal with life. Nothing more.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#336521 - 07/22/10 01:37 AM Re: starting meds again [Re: michael banks]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
My wife is bipolar and I have sat next to her on the rollercoaster ride of going on & off meds for several years now. It's driven BOTH of us to the brink of insanity and I try to tell myself that she doesn't enjoy being this way. She was on Carbatrol for awhile and that was effective, but my wife got pregnant and since that drug isn't safe for pregnancy, they put her on Lamictal.

You say you've been on the meds for one week and that you're on Lamictal. My wife says that there's this rare but serious disorder that can happen when you go on Lamictal & don't gradually increase up to a full dose. Usually they start you on the little tiny pills and gradually increase you week by week. My understanding is that the meds often take weeks to really start to work. So either you react strongly to a very small amount of Lamictal, or [I don't mean to get confrontational] it could just be the placebo effect--not the actual effect of the drug.

My wife goes on & off her meds for several reasons. Her therapist was the one who raped her, so it is like pulling teeth getting her to go to the psychiatrist. She won't go if someone isn't in the room with her, and she keeps the appointment down to 5 minutes or less. She just gets the right meds & goes home. so I think that has something to do with why she struggles w/ staying on the meds, but also because they affect her work habits.

She doesn't have extreme manic episodes or anything like that, but there are times when she's very chatty, her mind is racing with 10000 different thoughts and she can't calm herself down at night. I catch her up at 4am on her laptop doing a writing project for her job. She says some her best writing is from those sleepless, manic nights. At the same time, when she comes down, she has no energy, she sleeps until noon & skips work. She cuts herself, she doesn't eat, all these things are bad for her well-being.

When she's on her meds, the highs & lows aren't as pronounced. She still has creative bursts of energy that keep her up late sometimes, and she also has days where she is too depressed/triggered/etc to go to work... But they don't last for as long. They aren't as severe. In the end, she is a better wife, a better mom, a better employee, when she is on her meds. Even if she has to sacrifice some of her best writing in order to function, it is worth it to have a healthy marriage and stability in her career.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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