This whole thread circles around the same issues for me. I was abused by an older male cousin. He was around 11 and I was around 4. It ended when my aunt and uncle got divorced. I never saw him again. I was so young and I didn't realize that this was not normal. I also just forgot that it happened. Sort of. I knew it had, but I discounted it as not having any effect on me because I was too young. I started having sexual desires toward girls at 6 and I was very ashamed of it and my self.

I started to cross-dress and have "strange" behaviors while masturbating in elementary school. They were actually not all that strange, but at 8 - 10 I was unable to deal with them. I was always looking for the perfect girlfriend who would "prove that I wasn't screwed up." Needless to say that did not work out.

Due to the CSA and some other reasons, I thought that being gay was the norm; that I was supposed to be gay or at least bisexual. I felt tremendous anger towards gays and myself. I also wasn't gay. I was terrified by the prospect that I could be gay.

I also thought that girls/women hated boys/men. Violent angry hate. You've probably heard of the stereotypical "Man-Hating Feminist." For me any feminism was always this extreme male-hating. "All" women were feminists, thus they all hated boys/men, thus they all hated me. Side note: when I was 25, I was actually shocked to meet women who did not hate me or men on sight. I still have trouble with the concept that women actually want and like men.

I desperately wanted to fit in, but I thought I was screwed up inherently. Screwed up just because I was a boy.

Now, I'm 47. I know I'm not gay - I've had ample opportunity to engage in homosexual sex but it never interested me. I would go to porno houses in the 1980's and see gay men there, but I wanted to watch the porno. There was no Internet and it was hard to find the (straight) porn I liked. I have had to specifically prove to myself that I'm not gay all my life. I was in the military and other situations where I saw many men nude and had little privacy. HS Gym class comes to mind. After those experiences had ended and I was older, It dawned on me that I never once had any thoughts or sexual desire in the situations.

I've engaged in very dangerous and destructive behaviors and I still want to do them. Its clear to me that I am replaying the abuse. While masturbating in Middle school, High School, my 20's and 30's I would replay the abuse. I wasn't conscious of exactly what I was doing. A few years ago, I identified it, with help. Once I realized what was occurring, I've been able to heal. I don't believe the old saying "time heals all wounds" applies to CSA. I think you heal when you acknowledge it and work on healing. It doesn't happen automatically, but it does happen.

I'm no therapist or psychiatrist, so I can't answer your question about being gay. I have such a history of problems understanding intimate and sexual relationships between men & women (and men & men or women & women) that I'd be the last person to make a comment. Definitely get with a therapist, stay on this board and stick with it. There is a forum specifically for gay survivors. You'll get it.

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"There is always hope."