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#336065 - 07/14/10 08:04 PM Twisted thread - sorry
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
This was the latter half of a reply to Sobernow's post about learning to shave. I have posted it here so that it doesn't detract from his thread.

I have a worse story than that, even. This is one of my most shameful memories. I think I better put a trigger warning here, just in case. TRIGGER WARNING!

Boy, this is hard...but here goes...

I didn't wash my uncircumsized penis correctly until I was in college. No one told me how to.

For circumsized men who don't know, an uncircumsized male has to retract the foreskin back from the head of his penis to wash it thoroughly. When all males are born, the heads of their penises are VERY sensitive, because the heads have never touched anything other than the foreskin. When boys are circumsized in their youth, the parts of their penises that were protected by the foreskin become desensitized over time due to rubbing routinely against the inside of diapers/underwear. However, an uncircumsized male whose foreskin does not retract easily over the head of the penis can still have that extreme sensitivity, even into adulthood.

So I would wash myself in the shower when I was a teenager, but I couldn't retract my foreskin because my penis would hurt. (I didn't even see the head of my penis until roughly my senior year of high school. That's part of the reason I grew up thinking my penis was deformed.) When I started having wet dreams/masturbating in high school, I couldn't properly clean my penis. Therefore, after awhile, it began to smell like sperm.

I tried so hard to hide that smell. Most of the time, I couldn't even smell it unless I wasn't wearing anything. But in AZ summer heat, in stuffy classrooms, it was noticeable from a distance. Mornings would be okay, but by early afternoon, I was desperately wishing everyday that no one would notice it.

I would wear jeans instead of shorts in the summertime heat, just to hide the smell. I would sit in class in the afternoons, not speaking, hardly being able to listen to what my teacher was saying, crossing my legs in a hope that it would keep the smell in my pants. I was deathly embarrassed and I would pray in class that, even if the other kids could smell it, they would be too naive to know what it was.

So, one day, a particularly cunning bully asked me, in front of the entire class, if I had ever had sex. I knew if I lied about being a virgin that he would persist and prove that I knew nothing about sex, which I didn't. So, in front of the entire class (and yes, they were all watching and listening), I told him that I had never had sex. I confessed to a classroom of my peers that I was a virgin, knowing full well that that secret would be spread throughout my school like wildfire.

But that's not the bad part. When I told him that I had never had sex, he gave a knowing smile, turned to face the class, and made stroking motions with his hand near his groin while gesturing at me. The whole class looked at me and understood that, if I have never had sex, then the only reason I would smell like sperm is if I masturbated.

I honestly don't know how I survived that day. Bad enough the whole school knew I was a virgin, but they also knew that I masturbated. And that I was ashamed of it.

Imagine going back to school the next day, the next week, the next couple of years, with everyone knowing that. Everyone whispering behind your back, looking at you and laughing, making masturbation gestures at you, saying snide remarks just within earshot, and ridiculing you endlessly. I even came onto campus one morning and found that someone had taped rude posters about me all over the school.

No sympathy. No mercy. No one could approach me, for fear of being ridiculed themselves (not by me, by others). I would go to school with my head hung down and not look up until I got home again, where upon I would fling myself in bed and cry.

I've never told that story to anyone. Just reading those words...I think I'm going to cry.

No one should ever have to live through something like that. Why did I have to? I was just a quiet boy who was trying to cope with depression, low self-esteem, social anxiety, no friends, clueless family, scared to be seen naked, suicidal thoughts every day, and being bullied mercilessly just as often. I never did anyone any harm. How could I? I was being tormented too much to have been able to hurt anyone else.

I have edited out the last paragraph of this post. I was just feeling sorry for myself; besides, I feel better now anyway.

Bobcat



Edited by TheBobcatAgain (07/14/10 10:00 PM)
Edit Reason: splitting up post

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#336066 - 07/14/10 08:57 PM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
hannah7 Offline


Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 30
Hey, BobCat..I've enjoyed reading your 'animal' stories and often wondered what happened to the little bobcat in real time for him to feel so sad and such an outcast from the other creatures.

I'm not here to say I feel sorry for you, you said you don't need or want to hear that..but you did share a part of you that made me cry and that is going some. As a matter of fact, I think reading the stories of you guys on here have finally set off my tears that I have always held fiercely inside, even the tears for myself.

So, if we don't cry for each other, we can't cry for ourselves, then we can't heal. I guess I need to just say thank you for being a brave man, sharing your pain, and helping one more person to see things as they are and not as they seem. God bless..hannah

_________________________
And again and again Jesus said: It is I, I that you love, I that you enjoy, I that you serve. It is I that you long for, I that you desire, I that you mean. It is I that am enough for you. (Julian of Norwich)

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#336078 - 07/14/10 11:44 PM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: hannah7]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Bobcat

I want you to know that I accept you for who you are. I'm sorry that things went badly for you. You are OK. Thank you for your contributions here. Your experiences in life taught you how to be kind and loving.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#336080 - 07/15/10 12:21 AM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: pufferfish]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hi bobcat
You are brave for sharing your story-I am sorry and angry that those kids were so cruel to you.

I have great hope for you moving forward fromthis place.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#336083 - 07/15/10 01:19 AM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: Mountainous Buck]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
Bobcat,

I have been doing *lots* of thinking lately about the kids growing up. I knew some cruel times, and lots of it came at the hands of peers. Unfortunately I become trouble, and I am certain much of that came as a way to deal. What you share took a lot of guts. I could just feel the embarrassment from reading it. Just so you know, most of those kids were doing the same thing. You are a good guy and one I have appreciated knowing from around here.

Eric


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#336094 - 07/15/10 09:15 AM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
*** Possible Trigger warning ***

Bobcat:
I too am uncircumsized -- in the US, that is not the norm - most guys are circumsized. I was told by my mom - it was because that was the way my dad was - and they wanted me to be the same. Fine, BUT I remember my mom telling her friends and other people - when I could hear - that I was uncircumsized - for what the hell reason - I don't know why she felt compelled to bring it up........ It was humiliating.

Well to move on with the story --------------
when I was abused by older neighbor boys when I was 5/6yo --- I had never seen another guys penis - except my dads (and that was seldom). Well, the older boys were circumsized -- and they looked different - and they were facinated by my uncicumsized penis. I was their toy during one summer. I remember immediately thinking I was DIFFERENT -- DEFORMED -- DEFECTIVE. They were normal looking - I was not normal.

This feeling of being deformed of course was confirmed in Jr High went I started seeing guys naked in the lockerrooms changing clothes. I only remember 1 other guy who was like me. I was very ashamed -- and HID myself. This went on throughout High School. Only when I got older and learned about circumcision and understood what it involved and that lots of other guys were like me --- could I actually change clothes or shower in front of other guys.

My dad never said anything to me -- or showed me how to clean. I do remember my mom teaching me to pull the skin back and clean it - and to dry it good. But like you Bobcat - I have dealt with bad smells, rashes, fungal infections because when we sweat or work out --- well ------ you know ------ it stinks.

Deep down -- even though I think keeping guys uncircumsized is the best way ---- I wish I had been NORMAL - like other guys -- and have even thought about getting the procedure later in life.

I do remember being a young boy -- probably pre-school age -- and was at my grandparents house - needed to take a bath -- and my aunt came into the bathroom to help me wash - she had a young baby boy --- she said she needed to help me clean -- she reached in the tub and took my penis and pulled the skin back hard --- and rubbed it with a washcloth --- IT HURT --- and it was embarrassing ---- I remember her telling me about my cousin (her boy) that he didn't have the skin there and he didn't have to clean it like this ---- then she kept pulling the skin back hard -- and told me ----- you need to keep the skin back --- so it won't close shut ------------ WHAT --- it might close OVER ---- she was rough - and actually took her fingernail and tried to pry it open more............................

I still shudder when I remember that trauma.

BTW: my foreskin does not completely cover the head of my penis -- it easily pulls back when im erect -- and for cleaning --- so there was no reason for her to do what she did.

I know this is probably too much info ---- but I have never told this before in my life. It feels good to bring it up.

Thanks Guys.


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#336099 - 07/15/10 11:13 AM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: Sobernow]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I am also not circumsized. I spent most of my childhood thinking I was deformed because my parents never told me there was a difference and early on in school while in the restroom some other boys seen mine while and made fun of me. I didn't realize the difference until my late teens. This is the very reason I never played any type of sports for fear of showering with other guys. Although I found out later that its know big deal I still am shy to let it be seen. I have only had sex with two women and thats been in the past 7 months. They both said its know big deal to them either. One had never been with a man who was not circumsized before and she said she thought it was better. The one I am with now, her husband has past, he wasn't either so she can't compare. My thoughts now are that its not a bad thing at all. But the problems of parents not explaining things like this is awful. That along with the CSA has really held me back sexually for most of my life.

Tim


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#336104 - 07/15/10 01:10 PM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: wayne9]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Im like you Tim -- it held me back - just because our parents didn't explain things like this.

Its awful.


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#336115 - 07/15/10 04:41 PM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: Sobernow]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Oh, you guys...you wonderful, wonderful brothers...

THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing those stories with me. You have NO idea how much that means to me. Just hearing other guys say they are uncircumcized goes such a long way to making me feel that maybe I am "normal" to a small degree. And hearing that other uncircumcized males had trauma because they didn't feel normal either... Up until last year, I wouldn't have believed finding others who felt like I did was possible.

Tim, I had an allergy to the heat, and that's what kept me from sports. But if I hadn't had that allergy, I would have avoided sports for fear of showering in front of other boys, too. I was positively scared to DEATH of doing so. I have posted elsewhere that my fear actually made me physically sick for the first three weeks of my high school gym class; by the time I was finally sent to school, the coach wasn't forcing the boys to shower anymore. I think you can imagine my intense relief. (And by the way, I would have been the only kid in that shower who was uncircumcized. And I did not need the EXTRA teasing and bullying, thank you very much.)

Sobernow,
I AM HORRIFIED by your aunt retracting your foreskin when you were preschool age. She could have torn your foreskin - I'm actually extremely amazed she didn't. Every medical site that I have looked at says that parents should NEVER retract their sons' foreskins until they are in puberty, at LEAST. And even then, a lot of sites suggest only telling the son how to do it, so he can retract it himself, as comfortably as he can, to desensitive his penis. And believe me, buddy, I can imagine clearly how much pain you must have felt being rubbed with a washcloth. To be extremely honest with you, my foreskin still doesn't like to be retracted fully, and parts of my penis are still as sensitive to pain as they were when I was a kid. Hope that's not TMI.

I have also seriously considered having a circumcision done. Only last December, when I found out that the majority of men worldwide are uncircumcized, did I begin to rethink the procedure. I may still have it done - that feeling of wanting a "normal" penis like everyone else has is an overpowering feeling - but I hope I don't. I hope I learn to accept my body the way it is and not have the surgery done for merely cosmetic reasons.

Once again, I can't thank you guys enough. You are all helping me so much to feel like I truly am "one of the guys", and I have never felt that in my ENTIRE life.

I...I couldn't thank you guys to my heart's content if I spent the rest of my life trying. frown This seems only a fraction of how I feel right now, but - THANK YOU SO VERY, VERY MUCH!!!

You guys are so honest and nice to me...I'm probably going to cry. Thank you for responding to this thread. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

I love all of you!

Bobcat


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#336117 - 07/15/10 05:01 PM Re: Twisted thread - sorry [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Bobcat, Try to think about it this way. YOURS is the way God made it. Theirs is not (no offense to you circumsized guys). Just saying that its absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Thats really strange that a guy who once was so scared to even think of being seen could say that.

Tim


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