Zak
You are NOT a freak-
-your stepfather was
-your freshman year roommate certainly was
-that guy's friends were freaks
-your dad has shown himself to be a freak

You are a brave survivor

Your proud brother (who never gets sick of men who speak their truth)



Jamie

Zak,
I am sorry. I could not read all your post because it triggers me and I seem to be very vulnerable these days. I want to tell you that you will not make me get sick of you by posting repeatedly about any subject. We need to get these things outside of ourselves to be able to look at them and release the pressure, pain and shame they inflicted on us when we remained silent.
I'm sure I sound very angry, unchanged and like a one trick pony with my consitent posts but I know I am becomeing more conscious, and a better person who is getting more and more able to see himself properly by making these posts. I am learning how to see things I always missed because of the intensity of the pain I was containing. Now that I am coming free of my shame and the belief that I as intrinsically defective annd have this forum to post almost anything I feel the need to express I am starting to grow again.

So you go on posting as much as you need to about your dad and step dad until you are able to finally express it the way that you need to to get the relief you sense you will, when you finally hit on the combination of thoughts, ideas and feelings that resolves the issue for you.

Wow, Zak,

I have felt all of the feelings that you displayed in your post. I have questioned myself SO many times about things being my fault and why didn't I do this or that to prevent things, etc. etc. The main feeling that your post brought out in me is anger, anger at those guys and anger at your dad. ANGER! That son of a gun! I agree with all of the rest of you, Dad has some serious issues.

Zak, if you're a freak, then I guess that we all are freaks. I would consider myself to be the freak of the week. I have to give you a lot of credit for posting everything that you did. You know, I've been involved here to a greater or lesser degree for 6 1/2 years, and I've never posted anything that has happened to me. I guess that I don't have the nerve and that keeps me somewhat stuck. You put it all out there. I can learn from that. Maybe it might help me to post something about me.

Thanks for being open. Thanks to all of you who added to this post. You've all helped me to take a better look at myself.

God bless,
John

thx for all the replies.
my plan was to post this and dissapear, was way too ashamed to stick around after, but then seeing what u guys have to say about it, kind of makes it ok.

im sorry if i triggered anyone or made anyone mad, didnt mean to do that.

some of u said this helped, couldn't imagine how what i say about things could help anyone but if it does then i'm glad i put it here.

Zak, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. One of the best parts of MS is that you can vent about what you're feeling and you won't be judged for it. You don't owe us an apology for getting it out.

I'm glad that you decided to stick around. You're in a safe place with people who care about you and want to help you however we can. And don't feel like you don't have anything you can contribute even if it's just saying that you are pissed off. It reminds us that we are all human and that we all need that.

Steve

.

Hey Zak,

I wanna first say how incredibly sorry am I that you suffered years of being raped by a step father and an attack by college fuckheads...I"m truly sorry Zak.

Now, enough Mr. Nice Guy...your father is a fucking asshole man..a first class piece of shit clearly! And I'm not sure how your mother felt about either him or your stepfather, but she sure could pick 'em.

Should you feel bad about NOT fighting back more in an attack situation? Hell no! First of all, who can say what the level of threat really was and you were out numbered and were with good reason afraid. More to the point though is that your stepfather built in a "comply" switch in you that many of us survivors have and that isn't so easily overturned.

You a pussy???? No way man!!!! Anyone who puts up such a honest and painful post, reliving traumas as deep as you just have is one of the strongest men I know.

Your father's the real pussy for yelling at his injured son in a hospital bed...boy, what a "real" man...yeah, right! He's also an asshole, a fuckhead, and a few other things I shouldn't say...

Keep at it, you're doing fantastically.

Kevin

Zak -- it was very brave of you to post your story. I want to do the same thing some day soon.

Just to realize that other guys on here can relate to what we have gone thru can be a big help ----- and give us some hope --- that other assholes have never offered.

Those other men in your life were the freaks ---- they need to have their balls stuffed in their mouths. (sorry -- im on a rant)

It takes a real man - to come back from the pit.
A real fighter.
You are that man Zak.

Bob