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#335891 - 07/12/10 11:30 PM Facing The Truth Is Hard
woundedowl Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
I don't have long. I have had house guests and that limits my computer activity. However I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and self-realization lately. This admitting and facing truth feels horrible in some ways and good too. For me the sexual identity issues goes deeper than sexual attraction. It goes to the core of who I am. It is like living a hidden life and not really living at all. No matter if this is good or bad I have to be accepted as I am if I am to feel accepted at all. I hate living a hidden life and being in public and inadvertently suffering severe abuse because the people around are being so derogatory towards anything "gay or bi."I know they hate me, they just don't know they hate me. What if I said "hey guys, there's something I have been meaning to tell you. Would they still be my friends in the same way as before? No! I might even get beat up, or "worse." That is no fun! I am trying to write this out to understand more. Being used as a girl by a transgender/cross dressing man (and friends) chronically has changed me forever and it is hard to take. Seeing how many areas in my life this identity crisis affects is mind numbing. I feel like coming to the truth and being able to eventually define myself is an exciting prospect. Facing me is very hard for me to do. It is bringing up a lot of memories that I have not had before. Remembering being used so forcefully and being so helpless makes it hard to breath. I wonder if being used like that so young and long could cause long lasting permanent physical damage. There is so much going on in my mind right now that it is like a tornado spinning out of control. It is like every thought or mental image is another trigger. I keep my head phones around my neck constantly. At times I have to have music to try and drown out my thoughts, but it only halfway works. I struggle to cry tears and that makes me want to cry blood tears and re-intact my abuse and hurt myself. I know that there is clarity about me somewhere. I remain true to my long time wife who I love dearly, while I long for and desperately feel the need.....for something I don't
understand. I am working on sorting this out somehow and writing all of my thoughts,feelings and realizations down so I can understand. Sometimes I feel so dirty and then I want to go and be real dirty. It makes me sick to think what I could stoop to if I put myself in the wrong place. I don't like being so submissive cause I get done over so bad when I fall. It has been years since I actually fell in that place. But now I just want to be used by a whole group of men until I hurt and cry and gag and beg for mercy all over again. And that
is like some distant memory from the past trying to reinvent itself in the now. It is like I can go out and not be seductive or anything like that at all and still be made. It is like once a victim always a victim and the trolls can smell it. So I will go through another hard time with this but I will not act out.....somehow I want to stop feeling like I need to be used. I don't know? I am attracted to women, but maybe men more, perhaps transgendered most. Female in all ways but with a male member is appealing sometimes. I'm sorry if I sound freaky I am just trying to figure out where I am and I can not do it without honesty. I am trying so hard to not go to the public restrooms at the beach where the holes in the stalls are and degrade myself and who knows what. It has been years since it has been this strong. I am pressing on one day at a time looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for the support I will be back again soon. Wow I had longer than I thought but my time is about done for now. No more alone time at the computer. Thanks for listening friends! owl


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#335902 - 07/13/10 05:15 AM Re: Facing The Truth Is Hard [Re: woundedowl]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
Hey Owl,

Be easy on yourself here. Have you ever had the chance to talk about this before? If this is new for you, do understand that it can be real confusing at first. Yes, it sounds like your desire to act out really could be related to some sort of need to recreate what happened to you. The thing with acting out is, you just feel awful after you do it, and it just piles on more of the guilt and shame. Which of course then drives a greater need to act out. So if you can recognize what is going on, but avoid the actual behavior, then that would be a good thing. Keep reaching out.

Eric


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#335906 - 07/13/10 05:57 AM Re: Facing The Truth Is Hard [Re: ericc]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
Hi owl facing the truth is hard for every one in here your not on your own on this one.

Theres lots of guys in here who feel the same as you, but what i found in recovery we tend to be very soar on our selfs when dealing with the past.

At least your reaching out and talking about it, just take your time and deal with one issue at a time, ive found in recovery its about undertand your self and your feeling more, its all part of the recovery process,and in the end of the discovery proceess excepting your self for who you are, and not fighting against the grain, we have to except ourselves for who we are in life in order to get some peace of mind in our lives and be able to move on with life from there.

Its not about labeling your self its about excepting youself for who you are. ericc has offers some very good advice and i agree with his comments

James



Edited by james 1959 (07/13/10 06:01 AM)
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