ARGH!!

I called my brother, he is a year younger than I and we were abused by the same perpetrator, over the same time period. He had the sense to disclose in his 30's where I was unable to until seven months ago, in my 40's.

I live 900 miles away from him and call him, uhm, less than once a month, he does not call me unless I call him.

So I call him, after 7 months of intense recovery and progress. I ask him, could he help me with timelines, events that happened in our past that he is aware of, so that I have a clear picture of events. Being recently freed of the shame of the abuse, I was ready to see clearly the course of events. A foundation that was uncluttered with fear of the episodes. A desire to know, not guess. Surer footing.

He starts with his fears, that I am losing my religion for the way of man, that I just need the love of God, and all will be set right. That I may be heading for a life as a heathen. He claims that looking into the past is a waste of the present, that it does nothing to help the sufferer. He says when I come to visit, "we'll have to make an hour and sit down and talk about it". ARGH!! Oh, he thinks my little sister and I have the same issues, and she has anxiety from domestic abuse, and oh, he yelled at her about her wanting to run her house, her way.

I hate that. Do not disagree until the hearer understands. Then agree or disagree as the hearer wishes. Just listen, and support, answer all the questions as best as you can. When the victim or survivor is triggered, or disclosing, know it is the past, not you or the present, that that survivor is reliving, and not at all about you or the relationship you are in. Then tell the survivor, when they are safe and calm, how you feel, you love and support them, then your fears and anxiety, for then, we are the most empathetic, or at least I seem to be.

I know he has not recovered, that he is still a victim, for all of his success. I need to accept the best he can offer, and that will have to do. I cannot initiate his recovery, nor do I truly wish to try, although it would be so great to talk to him, as I talk to you. I want more from him than he can give, I need to let that be enough, for if I demand more, I will get much less.

My mother and father have all but stopped talking to me since I disclosed to them, and when I call them the four times I have this year, I get the weather report.

Accept that the family does not get it, does not understand, and let them see my reasonableness, my flexibility, and my support for them. Because in truth, it displays my recovery.

Thanks for listening,
Sam

Well said, Sam.

thanks for posting Sam ... I am the wife of a CSA survivor. I have know for years but just recently began to dig deep into understanding because I thought he was "ok" before. He is now facing his past and searching and learning and it is mind boggling, painful and confusing (for both of us but in different ways).

I applaud you for trying to place your timeline. While trying to understand why my husband was "seeking" to recreate his abuse, I have had memories of minor childhood abuse happening to me that I just brushed aside for years. Yesterday, hubby and I were talking and I was able to place a very early exposure to sex (from a childhood friend) & strippers (movies) prior to the incident of "abuse" (which seems so minor compared to the stories I have read here) ... then finding porn a short time after it (I was in 6 or 7th grade). ANYWAY, it was very hard because the years are somewhat jumbled and I don't know if I am blocking out more. I just know that because of the other exposure and the incident, I now understand a lot of my behavior during my teens years which made me who I am in my marriage today. It ALL flows together and I think it's wonderful that you wish to gain "sure footing".

I have been trying to LISTEN with an completely open ear to my husband as he gives me more details of his abuse as well as his more recent "seeking out". I am able to "hear" the abuse fairly well. The "seeking out" rips at my heart because I have now been hurt and caught up in the middle of everything.

I think it's mainly FEAR as to why people turn off their "ears" ... fear and lots of denial. All I can say is I would rather hear the truth and work towards healing than sugar coat everything so it's easier and never fully heal. I want my husband to feel "whole" for maybe the first time in his life and I want to heal and have a safe/secure marriage with him.

Anyway, sorry to ramble .... I hope you are able to get the info you need, and ugh, I hate when people preach how God will see you or what you will "become" .... I don't think God would want you to brush off the past. You need to put the past in it's right spot by understanding it so you can have a future ...... and God loves you no matter what. I have beat myself up way too many years from what people have said about God. God is love ... "seek him and ye shall find" <--- doesn't say "fix yourself and ye shall find". We are ALL broken ... in different ways but all of us fall short. God doesn't put conditions on our seeking of Him.