Newest Members
BCtejas, JHNebraska, mike42069, JACKL, Personman
12491 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
mrwhiskers (25), SouthernLaw (41), TerryT (61)
Who's Online
2 registered (tbkkfile, 1 invisible), 11 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12491 Members
74 Forums
64158 Topics
447723 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#335697 - 07/09/10 08:48 PM Pretending Like I'm OK
BuryingJack Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/10
Posts: 101
I don't know what to say about my current condition. I have a great family. A loving wife. An incredible group of friends that I think are good and strong. What I don't have is love for myself. I lack a personal confidant. I'm so alone. I've been so alone for so long. I wish I could fix this but I realize that it isn't possible until I can break free and help others to help me. Fuck.


Top
#335698 - 07/09/10 09:00 PM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: BuryingJack]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Me too brother, me too.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#335783 - 07/11/10 11:48 AM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: BuryingJack]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
BuryingJack,

I don't think it is an easy thing to break through that pretense that you're talking about, which keeps us isolated and hence protected. You know something needs to change though, so that's good. Opening up to others who you trust and can confide in is important if you want to break through the denial that goes along with the "Everything's okay" attitude. It's no easy task to ask this of ourselves though. It sounds like you've got a great bunch of people to support you, and that's definitely a positive thing.

Take care,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

Top
#335823 - 07/11/10 11:43 PM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: Casmir213]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hey Jack,

Knowing is half the battle. Yes it sounds cliche, but you know something needs to give. Trust the people who care for you, and little by little you will make it through. Building confidence and love for yourself is quite difficult. You are your toughest critic, but know that you have made it this far and that my friend is true success.

Take care and heal well.

Cheers,

_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#335831 - 07/12/10 12:26 AM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: Letourski]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Chris,

I think learning to love ourselves again is one of the hardest parts. You have already crossed that bridge of being able to talk about it and let others know what happened. That is very much a good thing. But being able to see ourselves as worthy and lovable, and to truly believe it, that can be pretty tough. But it can happen, and remember you didn't deserve what happened. No matter what your situation was as a kid, you didn't deserve this and you were worthy of love. And you are worthy still of that love today.

Eric



Edited by ericc (07/12/10 07:00 PM)

Top
#335842 - 07/12/10 08:37 AM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: BuryingJack]
happybuddha1 Offline


Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 85
Loc: Michigan
Hey Jack. Please know that you are not alone. I too have a pretty good life and am so lonely......it is a tough step having others help.....sucks.....I am still trying to take that step but am so afraid....yes....FUCK

_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

Top
#335853 - 07/12/10 11:49 AM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: happybuddha1]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Jack,

Out of a sense of self-preservaiton and guardedness, I do the same thing. I pretend I am OK. It is extremely difficult for me to reach out for help. Is this a form of denial, a need for self-sufficiency, do I believe I am a failure if I need to ask for help?

We suffer silently with a smile on our faces. Perhaps the smile is good enough to fool most of the people, most of the time but it can never be good enough to fool ourselves anytime.

I am at the point where I cannot even fake it anymore. It is hard work keeping a dam from breaching.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

Top
#335864 - 07/12/10 04:26 PM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: Barkabus]
BuryingJack Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/10
Posts: 101
Hey guys - Jack is the name of my perp. I should have made that clear. I'm writing a blog called Burying Jack, www.buryingjack.com ,in order to document my journey through therapy. I'm hoping to help someone else who is wondering if there's anyone else out there dealing with these issues. I wasn't allowed to say Jack's name after he died - my parents wouldn't allow it because of what he did to another family member of mine. So I buried him and the memories. Now, 20 yrs later, I guess I'm burying him again - the right way. So, now I use his name as much as I can - as a way of doing what I couldn't do for so long - say his name and what he did.

Thanks so much for the support. It's so difficult to re-train your brain after twenty years of operation - I'm amazed at some of you who are tackling this after forty or fifty years of operating a certain way. I say fuck a lot lately to get things off my chest. Sorry if I'm offending anyone. Mike, I know what you mean about not faking it anymore. I go in and out of those periods - I think i'm starting to break through. The dam broke on me about six months ago, which sucked, but I quickly put it back together and now I'm slowly letting it down again - in a more constructive way I guess. It's just hard.

Chris


Top
#335866 - 07/12/10 04:39 PM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: BuryingJack]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I've noticed over the last 6 years my spoken word is almost entirely profane when dealing with manpulative weasels whom I used to ignore.
I wonder if its due to the abuse or the triggering or what. I'm pretty beligerent about changing it too. Hmm I have no intention of speaking to fit some phony piece of shits idea of how I should speak.
Usually people who are concerned with what words I use are actually working on a manipulation or avoidance of doing what they should or are supposed to be doing. No decent normal well adjusted and honest person with proper boundaries gives a crap how someone else speaks.

I guess its my way of protesting how I've been abused and ripped off with the organized support of those I am supposed to be able to rely upon for help and fairness since I moved here.
And it's a passive way of identifying those people I need to be wary of. As I said anyone who is worried about how I speak is not someone to be trusted or relied upon as well as signaling that they are probably up to no good, since concentrating on my words is a diversion. I don't swear for no reason and its usually used as an adjective not thrown at somoene but I will if provoked. If treated well I do the same, phony singsongy voices don't count as treated well. Content not presentation is the key.
Some stupid people let themselves be coached into believing what words I use, or anyone uses, is a legitimate area of their concern, they are still wrong for all their belief they are correct.
These sorts of people, are usually tlephone operators at a call center, selected out for this trait. Interviews are usually designed by someone to find people of a certain type and operator jobs where only what the company wants put out is put out cannot be done by well educated normal secure, well boundaried people. They just won't treat another that way unless they are psychopathic.

All the way here from foul language. ?????? I don't even remember the post I just read that inspired this except it mentiond saying fuck a lot. This is the sort of process I have lived with since that one day 42 years ago when I was let out and sent on to foster care.
I have a good mind but I don't know the rules social or otherwise for using it with people and I miss so much because I forget as I follow my thoughts down the path. I am credited with doing this out of laziness, or some other negative personal trait but the fact is this is because of all the ECT. I know I'm a miracle I just want justice and acknowledgement that I am the good decent man I am.

Anyone got a comment?




Edited by kidneythis (07/12/10 04:57 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#335909 - 07/13/10 07:40 AM Re: Pretending Like I'm OK [Re: kidneythis]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Chris,

Thanks for posting your comments. I spent 26 years with the idea that I was supposed to be there for everyone else. I thought that asking someone for help, real help, would make me just as vulnerable as I was when the abuse happened. But being here at MS, making connections with others, has shown me that I can not only help others but receive the help I need.

You don't have to worry about offending me. There are a ton of raw emotions that run through us like raging rivers at times. Be who you are and know that you are accepted for being yourself.

Steve

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.