I've just discovered this support network and am unsure how one should 'jump in' so here is a snippet of my situation.
I am gay and have no qualms about that. I have a loving family for which homosexuality is considered no different than being born with blue or green eyes.
I am a survivor of sexual and physical abuse, drugging and kidnap. It was a one off experience that happened when I was 22 (12 years ago) but has had (and continues to have) a profound effect on almost all other aspects of my life.
I was in a gay bar, it was quite late and I had been drinking and having 'surface' fun with friends (as one does when 22). In short two men drugged my drink. They took me to Ďa roomí somewhere, tied me to a medical chair with restraints, sexual abused and humiliated me then physically tortured me. They made incisions under my top lip with scalpels and then injected my face with saline causing my top lip and area around my mouth to swell out to plastic surgery characiture like proportions. They laughed and tormented me but because I was so high on the drugs theyíd fed me I didnít quite understand what was going on and fortunately donít recall any physical pain from the assault etc.
The two men sent me on way after several hours. It was daylight by this stage and I ended up half naked in some day club recovery party, strung out, no shoes, half my clothes in my hand but I didnít know to put them on. Maybe 10 hours later I came round and asked for help but no one would contact the police for me. I tried to ring from my mobile but the two men had broken my phone Ė the intent of which was to leave me stranded and further humiliated.
The doctors and police were baffled by the injuries to my face but fortunately after 5 days the fluid injected into my face wept out through my lips which although was excruciatingly painful left no scars. I am really fortunate that my face required no form of surgery and that after 2 weeks there were no marks anywhere on my face or body. But if you looked into my eyes youíd see I was dead inside.
My story got into the press and the gay press made fun of it. They made jokes about how fabulous it would be to get free collagen injections in their lips and free drugs were always a blessing.
My employer, upon my return to work said Ďoh I thought youíd look much worseí and then fired me for having time off work.
My family didnít know what to do or say but believed me when I said ĎIím fine I just want to move oní then got angry at me when I had a near breakdown because I had said I was fine.
After losing my job I lost my flat and it all went downhill from there.
The city and country I grew up in (Sydney, Australia) had completely failed me. They offered no support, the cops couldnít locate the two men that ruined me, the bar I was in used poor quality surveillance so the faces of the men couldnít be identified and the people in my city didnít even stop to help me when I was clearly in distress in the street, crying and asking fro help. My family just didnít know what to do or say.
So I fled the country and started a new in the UK.
Over the years I have rebuilt my life, but have finally realised I have a lot of problems and I need some help.
I withdraw from people, friends and family and find it hard to have emotional ties to them. I have not been in a relationship for 12 years because I canít trust other gay men to not hurt me.
Sometimes I canít leave my flat. I regularly binge and then excessively exercise to make sure I donít gain weight and although Iím in good shape I canít undress in the locker room at the gym.
I used to draw professionally as a career and until a few days ago I hadnít picked up a pencil in 12 years. Iím only just realising how much of my life has been taken from me by those two men and I am deeply upset about it. I donítí, and have never blamed myself so why do I punish myself?