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#333131 - 06/06/10 08:24 PM Not sure I did the right thing
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I had high hopes for this weekend. I thought I was ready to find a date. I was beginning to trust men. I think it's a sentiment that's been growing for several weeks. The seed was planted when I went to a bar and talked with the bartender, who I've had on a crush on for years.

We got along really well. He's been in a relationship for awhile, but we always flirt. At times, it seems as if it will develop into something more. He feeds maraschino cherries into my mouth. Several years ago, we kissed on the lips. Then, he withdrew from me. I admit, I had become more aggressive and probably scared him off. Anyway, I don't blame him for equivocating. I've matured. I wouldn't want to steal him away from his boyfriend. I simply care about him. I simply enjoy his company.

Before I left, feeling very tipsy, I gushed that he always made me happy, no matter what, like sunshine. It was heartfelt. I'm usually evasive, keeping my feelings to myself, preferring to joke around with him. He was surprised. He told me that I made him happy, which was why he was like sunshine. He said that usually, he felt miserable. When I kissed his cheek, I felt some kind of electricity.

I've realized I can't wait for him. Still, I'd felt optomistic. I've doubted whether I can be gay. I'm repulsed by sex. I occassionally have crushes on women. More often than not, I think I'd be happier with a woman. But something changed, and I believed it was possible to find a kind, loving man who could make me happy, with whom I felt valued and understood.

This weekend, I considered going to a gay speed-dating event. I backed out, as I've done in the past. I was a coward. My friends are all in relationships, (I only have two friends, who I'm very close with.) I was afraid to go alone. Instead, I went to my bar. The bartender I'm attracted to doesn't work on the weekend, so I haven't seen him since that night I felt we opened up to each other.

As soon as I walked in, bopping my head to Lady Gaga, a tall, muscular, white-haired, older man approached me. He was friends with someone I often see at the bar and like. He unbottened my top button. He tried to dance with me. He blew onto my chest. I was disgusted. I hated the way he was treating me. I knew who he saw: a thin, weak, timid, "twink" who he could bully into sleeping with.

I walked away. I ordered a vodka cranberry, ignoring him. He clicked his beer against my glass. I grimaced. He was spoiling my night. I became angry. I wished I could humiliate him. Suddenly, when I was talking to his friend, he started rubbing my chest with his hand. I pushed his hand off me.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Don't touch me."
Him: "Don't touch you?" - Shocked that a twink would dare stand up for himself.
Me: "Leave me alone. I'm not attracted to you."
Him: "I'm not attracted to you eith..." - He stammered. He didn't finish the sentence, because it was clearly untrue.
Me: "You're annoying me."
Him: "I'm annoying you?"

I showed no emotion. My heart pounded, but, as usual, in times of duress, I felt dissociated from what was going on. This man, however, did not possess my cool. He ranted for about ten minutes, calling me a "little bitch," saying he was going to wait outside the bar and beat the shit out of me, saying he was going to kill me. He tried to get a rise from me. Even I was shocked by my detachment. I sat silently and smiled. His friend told him to get over it. The bartender said I was a sweatheart. Finally, he left, saying he better go before he smashed my face in.

I stayed about ten minutes. I wasn't at all afraid that he was outside. I should have been. I just figured I could out run him. I went to another bar, had a drink, then left and went home

I've been thinking about what happened all day. At first, I felt proud of myself. Many older gay men think they are entitled to any young boy who walks in. Many young, gay men have shattered self-esteem after being teased throughout their childhoods and being ridiculed by society. They allow themselves to be used. When they grow older, they perpetuate the cycle. See what happens when someone who is not what he seems refuses to take part in it? Outrage, like who am I to deny him his superiority, to not accept things as they are?

But before I got full of myself, I admitted that I provoked him. In those moments before I spoke, I was curious about what would happen. I viewed it almost as a social experiment. I was careful to not be petty, not to call him ugly, or old, or a jerk. But I wanted to hurt him. I was angry at what he represented. I could have easily gone to the other side of the bar. And, subsequently, I made my own night miserable. It was a self-destructive, pointless act.

So, my hopes were dashed, at least for the weekend. One tender moment gave me faith, one disturbing encounter took it away. It's been that way for years: one step forward, two steps back. But I do know I won't let myself feel abused anymore. That has to count for something.


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#333149 - 06/06/10 10:37 PM Re: Not sure I did the right thing [Re: Bewlayb1]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Well, from what I can see you have bridged a number of hurdles here.

First was the fear itself of getting out. You acknowledged it and said the fear itself was not going to control you. You controled it.

Second, you were able to tell someone you care about them. That's no small feat. It leaves you open and potentially vulnerable. But again you confronted that fear and said you will control it, and not it you.

You also were able to confront an old scenario, and very successfully maintained a boundary that you yourself established to maintain comfort and safety of yourself. There was no self fulfilling prophecy rolling out here.

While the event itself was filled with challenges, you met them well!

Take a bunch of bows! Well done!

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#333160 - 06/07/10 12:51 AM Re: Not sure I did the right thing [Re: Geeders]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
I am sorry that your weekend was spoiled. I think that you acted in a way that was admirable, you walked away and he pursued you. Then you told him to leave you alone. You did the right thing, no question. I have seen older men act this way in clubs, bars and sauna's I think it's disgusting.
He invaded your space and body and you protected yourself, good on you. I see what you did as 3 steps forward, 1 for being there, 2 for walking away and 3 for telling him to leave you alone. I would have not been so polite.

Dusty



Edited by Dusty Boy (06/07/10 12:54 AM)

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#333224 - 06/07/10 08:30 PM Re: Not sure I did the right thing [Re: Dusty Boy]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks guys. I was surprised that you think I handled it well. I guess I have to admit, I did okay. I was probably trying to prove something to myself, and I accomplished that, even if the night was a disappointment. The whole thing just saddened me. I got a bad vibe off him. I scratched the surface, and I found a violent, arrogant, lunatic. I pity him. I pity any man who lets himself be demeaned by him. It justified my defensiveness, and made me more afraid to trust.

But if I've gotten better at spotting the bad ones, and dealing with them, hopefully I've gotten better at spotting the good ones, and not losing them. I mean, if I can brush off being berated and physically threatened, why is it so hard for me to open up? I suppose I need to work on that next.


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#335467 - 07/07/10 02:37 AM Re: Not sure I did the right thing [Re: Bewlayb1]
Whiz76 Offline


Registered: 07/06/10
Posts: 5
Loc: London, UK
I fail to see how you provoked him or how you are the reason your night was 'miserable'. You did the right thing.

I think you're amazing for standing up to that horrible sex-pest of a man and espcially for reamining so calm and cool!


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