When I was 8-9 years old I really looked up to my oldest brother, who at the time was 13-14 years old. We were a family of 7 and my parents struggled to support us. It was a very chaotic household. I looked up to my oldest brother, always trying to hang around him. I remember the first time he abused me, he got me to masturbate him, telling me that "something funny and cool would happen" at some point. That was the start of the "game". And the "game" graduated to oral sex, although it never went beyond oral sex, but during those two years the hand and oral sex made me feel like I mattered to him and that I was important to my older brother. I so wanted his attention! Because if I did these things to him he would let me hang out with him and his friends. God, I felt so important. As time went on I started to get feelings that something was not right with all of this. After a while he started to make fun of me. I remember a time when he pissed in my mouth and laughed at me during it. I remember that was the first time I felt shame and disgust towards myself. Up to the time of these type of events, I never really thought that what was going on was wrong, all I felt was "Look at me, I'm hanging out with the older guys!" None of my other friends were able to say that so I felt so damned important and "loved". My feelings really started to spiral down as his emotional abuse began. I started to feel so confused and taken advantage of. I mean, somewhere inside myself I knew that what was going on was wrong, but the benefits of the attention I was getting just made me willing to participate. Towards the end of the sexual abuse, I started to wet the bed, defecate and piss in my pants, all of which I was punished for by my father. He would scream, then double his belt and whip my ass!! I started to not want to come home at all! There was a canal that ran near to my house, and I would walk up and down and sit in it for hours, hitting rocks with a stick into it, anything to pass the time and not go home. So I would always get in trouble for being late. The last time my brother tried to get me to go along with his sex "games", we were spending the night at my grandparents. He climbed into the bed where I was sleeping and tried to get me to give him a hand job. I finally told him NO! and I ran out of the room!!!! The fallout from these years of sexual abuse by my brother has been a life filled with addiction, alcoholism, imprisonment, rehab, lack of assertiveness, self-loathing, no self-worth, struggling with my sexual identity, (because of my participation, my fear I was gay), my relationships, (I am on my third marriage) -- the list goes on and on. And that's why I am reaching out. I AM tired of letting this define who I am. I am in therapy now, and I have been clean and sober for 8 years, (I am now 47 years old). My current wife has been my biggest and only support (because of my fears of being "found out"), and the way I disclosed my childhood sexual abuse to her was out of fear of losing her (VICTIMHOOD) and the timing was just wrong!!! My wife led me to this forum, and I am so grateful for her! About a year ago I wrote a confrontation letter to my brother, and after years of faking it with him, and competing with him to always outdo him, everything about our past came to the breaking point for me. We finally talked about it started to heal. The healing began when he told me he was sexually abused by our uncle, my mom's brother. Before talking to my brother, I had told my mom what my brother had done to me. Then another twist: she told me that another one of HER brothers had sexually abused HER when she was young (WHAT?????). And when my brother & I finally talked, my brother tells me about our other uncle sexually abusing him. From what I have learned, what he did to me was called "re-enactment". For years this uncle has come to my parents' house acting as if nothing ever happened -- eating and drinking and sitting on their couch like the lying worm he is. My brother claims he has forgiven our uncle and that he "loves" him!!! But he has never even confronted him!!! This news troubled me to the point where I could no longer think of this worm/uncle sitting at my parents house during holidays. And I thought long and hard about telling my parents. There was so much fear, but his betrayal of my parents was too much! So I finally told my mother (but not my father, he knows nothing about anybody's abuse; the fear there is a whole other book's worth). After I told my mom she asked my brother about it, and he told her that it DID happen but that he "loves and forgives" our uncle. My mom told my older sister about what I said to her (one night when my mom was so drunk she blacked out and can't remember what she said to my sister). My sister immediately let me know that she doesn't care if she ever sees me again and to stay away from our mother! My mom told my wife that my brother is furious at me, and now my mom hasn't spoke to me ever since. But what I want right now is to start truly healing from all this...to become a true Survivor and shake being The Victim. Thank you, guys, for being here and listening to a part of my story.