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#335142 - 07/03/10 06:13 AM blame your parents?
jhp Offline


Registered: 06/28/10
Posts: 15
Loc: South Africa
Does anyone else think their parents could have done more to prevent them being abused?
As an adult, I see how carefully my wife protects her children. When they tell her that someone has done something bad to them, she accepts that what they say is true, until the contrary is shown. Also, she has raised them TO KNOW that it is unthinkable that an adult should abuse them.
I was too afraid, too ashamed, to tell my parents what was being done to me. But surely, any parent should be able to see in a 10-year old kid's face that something seriously bad has happened to them? I still get very angry about this - so many years later...

Maybe I'm unfair to expect them to have realised. I don't know...


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#335155 - 07/03/10 11:05 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: jhp]
rbi Offline


Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 6
I totally do.


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#335157 - 07/03/10 11:16 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: rbi]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11119
Loc: Denver, CO
I assume you mean parents who were not abusers themselves. One of my parents was an abuser. I suppose had the other one been physically present during that time, the abuse would have been minimal or non-existent.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#335158 - 07/03/10 12:04 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: FormerTexan]
KingFred Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 57
Loc: West Coast, USA
One biological parent was the abuser, other bio parent and their second spouse/step-parent did nothing but send my siblings and me to the abusive one. I still blame them for sending me to him, even though they had their suspicions.

_________________________
Not particularly a fan of hugs. High fives and well wishes are always appreciated though.

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#335159 - 07/03/10 12:51 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: KingFred]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers,

YES, my "mom" was the first, in every category, sexual, mental, emotional & physical. She was my only parent.

After i gave a stranger, "my permission" to marry my "mom"
( you see i was considered the "man" of the house)from about 8 yrs old. So i "gave my permission".while i was in that orphanage/Home. He told me he would accept me into his house.
He did, but i would live to regret it, as in his own way he was an abuser too, mentally & emotionally. All that i ever meant to him was that "I was a strong boy, with a weak mind."
Fortunately, i only had to put up with all of them was 3 years, until the day i turned 17.

I guess that i should also blame God, as HE was supposed to be all knowing. And above all " I/we were the children of God, a precious gift. In HIS image & likeness.

What in the hell happened??

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#335162 - 07/03/10 01:06 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: petercorbett]
brokenleg Offline


Registered: 01/05/10
Posts: 65
I am blaming my father. I remember He was throwing the plates against the wall. He hadn't abuse me phsically however he hurt my mum in front of me . They had arguing all the time. Because my father wasn't clever enough to win an argument, he usually used force.
Triggers
While my cousins, living in the house next door, forced me to do oral sex and anal penetration as well, my father did nothing.
My mum warned him about them that they were overpowered me.
He was absent as a father and I can't forgive him for that.




Edited by brokenleg (07/03/10 01:08 PM)

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#335166 - 07/03/10 01:38 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: jhp]
MrCompassion Offline


Registered: 03/30/10
Posts: 11
i grew up without a father and mom did not want to marry another men after him but she was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive toward me.She turned her children to her husband in many ways but not sexually. My other authority figures ignored me and neglected me which made an easy target for perpetrators.

Yes, they could have done something to prevent it if they had not been living so much in their had and did not thought that everything is about them,

My uncles has been trying to talk to me and have contact with me because i live outside my home country, but i do not want any contact with them and i hope will find the wisdom and strength to forgive them one day.

for my mom, i have really mixed feelings, i love her because she is mom and for the scrafices she has done to rise us, at the same time i find myself really mad when she is trying tell me something or give me advice like regular mom gives to their sons.


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#335168 - 07/03/10 01:58 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: MrCompassion]
BuryingJack Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/10
Posts: 101
I was lucky in that I had two loving parents. Neither of them were abusive - except some anger management problems from Dad. We have been a happy family - until my abusive past surfaced (step-grandfather was the abuser - who is dead). It surfaced by way of my anger towards my parents - it was very confusing for me, my parents, and my wife and siblings. I had so much anger. Deep down I have been blaming them for not knowing more - not protecting me - and for asking me to pretend like everything was ok when I hinted that "grandpa" was too friendly with me. What I'm slowly starting to realize is that my parents made a mistake, but they didn't mean to - they're human. My anger is still there, though - but I'm working on re-directing it towards my abuser. Baby steps. Right now my parents and other siblings are on vacation in Colorado. I'm here in Virginia with my wife - still not ready to talk with my parents until I get my head around my anger - intensive therapy and EMDR are slowly getting me there. We'll see. I guess this was a long way to say that, yes, they should have known more - and yes, it is perfectly normal to be angry. The tricky part for me seems to be how to uncover who was really at fault and who just made a mistake - and then deal with the resulting emotions as well as I can.

Chris
www.buryingjack.com


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#335174 - 07/03/10 04:56 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: BuryingJack]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Good parents for most of the 20th century didn't think of abuse as one of the things they had to look out for. Bad people were obvious weren't they? The sophistication to know and accept that apparently good people will do bad things wasn't widely distributed. So when children showed signs of abuse it wasn't recognized for what it was. They would insert something that seemed rational to them into the void of understanding.

thats my take on it

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#335176 - 07/03/10 05:45 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: kidneythis]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
There was no sexual abuse at home. However, there was plenty of emotional abuse as well as some physical abuse. This left me and my brother very vulnerable to the sexual abuse that happened by a neighbor kid and a taxi driver.

And yes, I did blame my parents. There was a whole lot of years that I was very angry at them for not protecting me and for setting me up for the sexual abuse.

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#335178 - 07/03/10 06:48 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: Derdlecar]
dodgers62 Offline


Registered: 07/02/10
Posts: 15
Loc: san diego c.a.
I was sexually abused by my older brother at age 8 and 9 and rather than come home i would defecate and wet my pants and my father would take a belt to my ass for it like i was doing these things on purpose sexual abuse or not something would say something is wrong here my therapist says its common my behavior not his


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#335236 - 07/04/10 02:07 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: jhp]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I do blame my parents. If I had a healthy house to grow up in I most likely wouldn't have been abused. My dad was mentally, verbally and physically abusive most of the time. When he was nice he wanted something. Mom was covert in her abuse of me. She was weak in her ways of protecting me from dad. All she was interested in was protecting her own butt. Neither protected me, they just had their ways with me with no regrets. After I told my parents I was raped, their comments were "I thought something had happened but wasn't sure". I had forever changed in the ways I acted but that wasn't a clue to them that something had happened to me. My parents are self centered and all about themselves. Since I told my parents that I was raped, I no longer talk to my dad. He said it was my fault and that I got what I asked for. Anyways, I don't think it's unfair to ask that your parents realise something is going on with you. They should be aware of what is going on with their kids. That is their job as a parent. Just my two cents.

Andy.


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#335239 - 07/04/10 02:20 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: nevragan]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Holy crap I had forgotten the situation.
The first night I was "home" with my family after the years of torture and abuse. I was 12 and my brother started to assault me he was spooning me and grabbing my penis. I screamed at him to stop and jumped out of bed screaming for mom and dad. I had no idea what was happening in fact I didn't know what sex was for another three or four years.
The apartment was a studio with a folding divider between the bedroom where my parents slept and the hideabed we were on. My other brother was on a cot. My father got up came into the room with mom behind him looking at the floor and yelled at me for making such a comotion and ordered me to get back in bed and shut the hell up.
My brother raped me five minutes later. He is four years older than I. The other brother also eventually raped me. Today the older one won't talk to me and the one aged between us claims I abused him! He is 2 years older, was 6' 150lb and I was 5' 75lb.

There was no point in telling anyone after that, dad and mom had as much as told me and them it was OK. yes I do blame them. Wow I never worked that out before. In later years I once told dad what he did and he denied the situation ever happened.







Edited by kidneythis (07/04/10 02:21 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#335271 - 07/04/10 05:27 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: kidneythis]
dodgers62 Offline


Registered: 07/02/10
Posts: 15
Loc: san diego c.a.
as chaotic as my house was i can understand my parents not knowing something was going on but but when your little boy is wetting and defecating in his pants, and at 8 years old not coming home until way after dark,thats a red flag that something is wrong


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#335276 - 07/04/10 05:45 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: dodgers62]
BuryingJack Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/10
Posts: 101
I don't know where to start - you have all dealt with so much more than I did. My parents weren't very good at picking up on the signs - but they thought they tried. They did everything else well.

I'm not a parent. I'm not ready yet. But I know that I will never, ever let anyone hurt my children. I will also devote my life to helping those around me protect their children. If there's anything we can do now....we can do that.

Chris
www.buryingjack.com


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#335297 - 07/04/10 10:33 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: BuryingJack]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
Both of my parents sexually managed me from a young age. I really cannot recall exact ages or much more than general scenes and always running and hiding…the smells and sounds….the mind does certain things to shield me I am sure. Years of therapy, hard core drug addiction, avoiding intimacy, being in dangerous careers, flirting with death too many times to recall…..leave me alone on this holiday,. But today I am sober, fit and strong. My creative success has empowered me to start and run very successful businesses. I am fiercely independent, stand up for what I believe in, and recently renewed my martial arts and close quarters combat training, to enhance my personal energy. Blaming anyone, for me NOW, is pointless. Wanting to kill the abusers and run amok, was me….the essential point now, is embrace being a survivor, fully know i cannot change the past, and accept that my uniqueness leaves me on my own more often than not….but I am ok with that…now…I have a great dog…spend more time making healthy meals, and shrug off my so called friends when they no-show or do things that make me uneasy…A great therapist saved my life…this forum made me feel less isolated. I am stronger today and want to spread that feeling…you new guys…trust me…this will sort out…look forward, be organic, never, ever give up. Peace/Out/Jeff


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#335313 - 07/05/10 02:28 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: J1]
jhp Offline


Registered: 06/28/10
Posts: 15
Loc: South Africa
thankyou for all the replies
J1 - I envy your strength and clear perspective


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#335315 - 07/05/10 03:02 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: jhp]
Alchemist Offline


Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 9
Loc: Florida
I struggle with this topic. My best friend, the first and one of the only people who I ever told about the abuse, actually told me I should put part of the blame on my parents.

But I can't seem to go there, at all. Not because there weren't times I can think of that they should have known and could have done something....but because I think of myself as "such a good liar" that there is no way they could have known. Is that weird?

_________________________
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
-Carl Sagan

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#335320 - 07/05/10 09:44 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: Alchemist]
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1272
Loc: Northern Ohio
My father was my perp.

I have thought about it too. How did she not know?
But I know.....
1) She loved me. She was an angel in my life. I loved her.
2) She didn’t even know such things happened within families.
3) She thought I was just shy. I was.
4) Dad was a master of secretes. He was cunning & manipulative.
5) I never thought to tell. Thought he was allowed to do these things. He was like God, & u don’t question God when ur 8.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#335402 - 07/06/10 10:33 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: Alchemist]
jhp Offline


Registered: 06/28/10
Posts: 15
Loc: South Africa
Originally Posted By: Alchemist
because I think of myself as "such a good liar" that there is no way they could have known. Is that weird?

My current psychologist says that this is a defence mechanism - and we use it because the fact that our parents could have known, or should have known, and failed, is extremely painful - too painful for us to acknowledge. So we find a reason to excuse their having failed us. I don't know...


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#335445 - 07/06/10 09:06 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: jhp]
dodgers62 Offline


Registered: 07/02/10
Posts: 15
Loc: san diego c.a.
j1 thank you so much for your post it is so f-ing right on i need to here things like that


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#335464 - 07/07/10 02:21 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: dodgers62]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Although, during the time either of my parents were alive while I was abused, I would agree I was too good a liar for anyone to know anything, I DO completely blame them for being such lame, drunken pathetic fuck ups at parenting that they produced a kid who was so starved for any kind of normal attention, affection or anything positive from an adult that 7 years of sexual abuse by a sick fuck was a decided improvement over being around them.

Kevin

p.s. Any anger detected in that post is purely intentional.

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#335538 - 07/07/10 07:41 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: sono]
BuryingJack Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/10
Posts: 101
Kevin - detected and applauded. Chris


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#335627 - 07/08/10 05:17 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: BuryingJack]
Alchemist Offline


Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 9
Loc: Florida
jhp thank you for that reply. It makes a lot of sense.

_________________________
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
-Carl Sagan

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