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#33500 - 03/30/05 10:29 PM So much more than sexual abuse
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I think I've come to a very important realization, I did suffer from sexual abuse but my problems are from a whole lot more. I suffered trauma from my fathers illness (my father had Parkinson's disease), I suffered trauma from my parents constant fighting while they were still married to each other. I suffered trauma from my mothers emotional abuse of me and her controling nature. I suffered trauma from the domestic violence that my father did. I actually don't know how to describe the "domestic violence", I don't recall my father ever hitting my mother. But I do recall my father forcibily trying to get into the house breaking the window on the door and reaching in to unlock the deadbolt.

The reason I am telling everyone this is because I feel that if I need to acknoldge this because I've never been able to do so to myself.

I also hope that this causes others to think about what happened to them and how the issues they are facing may not be totally due to just sexual abuse.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#33501 - 03/30/05 11:01 PM Re: So much more than sexual abuse
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jason,

it is not only the CSA that causes the problems, it is family response to behaviour within its boundaries.

You talk about change in your family, maybe I am on the wrong path altogether, but I remember my childhood turning for the worst, after my abuse.

Nobody could understand me, I blamed myself for every problem that my parents went through, and yes, there were fights amongst my parents, and I always thought the fights were about how I was not being a normal kid in the family.

I remember so much the fights before I went to school, the little boy, who was scared to leave, in case he was molested again, but mom and dad, never knew that, I remember bedwetting through the extreme terror of the night.

I blamed all the problems of the family on myself, and I still do, but I always tried to fix the problems.

CSA, causes so many unseen problems, and it is hard to associate with all of them, it should never have been my problem.

As a child, it is hard to relate the feelings that you go through as an abuse survivor, nobody can see the hurt, but they can see the broken boy, and they cannot understand why? He is so broken, but then again, nobody in the family has been there.

Unfortunately, for little boys, they tend not to show just how hurt they really are, and they show all the love and affection, but family members never get to know the real affect on the kid and how deep it goes in CSA.

Maybe it is an early protection thing, that the kid does not want to show just how damaging this thing really is, maybe he just thinks that in time, it will always get better, but it is only my thinking, that says, it has to be shared and aired, just for your own peace of mind,

Peace and goodwill,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#33502 - 03/31/05 02:02 AM Re: So much more than sexual abuse
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
Hi Jason,

I would agree, when abuse happens in the family it is the most extreme and for me the most damaging on the spectrum but it doesn’t happen in isolation and at least in my family it was part of an abusive inescapable system, the physical, emotional abuse and the loveless crazy atmosphere I grew up in all contribute to the problems I had/have.

Rustam.


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#33503 - 03/31/05 11:10 PM Re: So much more than sexual abuse
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I couldn't agree with you more. If we had the love and support from our families, the SA would not have left such an indelible mark on our lives. For me, it was impossible to please my parents, I lived in fear of my dad, my mom was completely detached from all emotions, so when the perp came around, it seemed like SA was all I was good for. It is that lesson that I carry, and I still find myself looking at the caller ID, wondering if my mom has called to tell me I'm OK. Like that's going to happen....

I'm happy for your breakthrough. And it is a big one. I'm convinced it was a conspiracy. Would the SA have even happened if all the other cards hadn't been in play?

Take care.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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