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#334341 - 06/21/10 03:07 PM The ongoing struggle - feeling needy
violapoet730 Offline


Registered: 06/21/10
Posts: 8
Loc: Oklahoma
I am new to this site, although in searching the internet for an 'outlet', if I may call it so, I came across this site browsed it and kept going at that time.

My google search brought me to this forum about sexual identity issues from my search for 'positive male behavioral reinforcement' and 'neediness in males'. I feel a lot of the same way you do... that lines that should have been distinct within their roles are now 'blurred'. The need of having a father was already an underlying issue for me before I had been seduced into sexual abuse. I needed the 'male' part of me that was weak to be strengthened/reinforced and it seemed that the embrace (even apart from it have a link sexually), the comfort, and the acceptance that all too many fathers even the 'male society' are too scared to give and display, it seemed that this is what I was receiving. However, I had to honestly take a step back to see if there was any selfishness involved in these acts; did the males from whom I was receiving these things have similar qualities as my abuser? There are days when I feel compelled to engage in sexual intimacy with a male just to have reassurance and feeling of protection but the other half of me is saying 'no, please!' and I have a tendency to obsess about masculinity, expected male behavioral norms promoted in this society, reassuring myself of the naturalness of my genitalia which used in a truly loving/unselfish way is not shameful. There are many times when I feel unlovable and extremely alone.

I have realized that I will be constantly attempting to cope in this aspect of my being; maybe not so much ridding myself of these insecurities, the hurt, the overall mental confusion at times. One thing that I take away from it which I see as a strength for me is that by attempting to cope, I am determined to not be hindered to love others unselfishly, in the way that is beneficial and promotes ones personality to flourish.


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#334361 - 06/21/10 07:58 PM Re: The ongoing struggle - feeling needy [Re: violapoet730]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Welcome to the forums, Viola - let me suggest that if you haven't done it already, you find the services of a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse.

What I noticed before I went into therapy was that I had a serious need to define what I needed and to self-medicate through a lot of different habits, some self-destructive and some not. In any case, what I noticed as that as I went into therapy, the need to 'define' myself went down and the need to explain why I felt the way that I did became less urgent too.

So feel free to share with us but please be about finding some therapy too. You'll find that the forums and therapy work well together.

Cheers -
Shaun


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#334978 - 06/30/10 01:30 PM Re: The ongoing struggle - feeling needy [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Viola, Welcome.

I had the same "blurred" lines around masculinity/femininity. Since I was abused at such a young age (3 - 5y/o) I did not really understand the impact it had on me. I simply thought I was just F**k-ed up until I was 43. That's when a therapist told me that a CSA at any age has a profound impact. Everything made a lot more sense. But I had spent 23 years in therapy. What made the difference was that I got to the core of what had made me confused to begin with.

I want to say two things. 1) You, your genitalia, your sexuality, and your need for intimacy are natural.
2) Things will get better.

Peace

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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