I've never much thought about it but my only good memory of my father from childhood is me being with him in his car. I was still quite young and he was letting me pretend to drive. He used to take me out to supermarkets to pick up women with me. Getting me to say things to them that made them go awww.
We had some ok times when I was older after the abandonment and torture years. The whole family pretended nothing had happened to me, or anyone else for that matter. We were a house full of strangers and had no clue about how to be human let alone family.
Now I look back and I'm sickened that he used me to be unfaithful to my mother at the same time he was beating her because he imagined she was unfaithful. I also now think it possible me bouncing in his lap might have been sexual. I doubted the idea as soon as I wrote that.
Anyway his cruelty and deliberate undermining of me is what stands out. After all who isn't kind to infants. When I was becoming a person he did all he could to ruin me. All the time lieing to his friends about me and the things I did to get his love or get away from his abuse or just plain did as a plea for help.
He died in August and I didn't care. I hadn't spoken to him in over 10 years and only once by accident in the 5 years before that. Fucking lowlife had come to the hospital uninvited to walk into my mothers room and said to her she looked like shit less than 48 hours after having a lung removed at the end of months of chemo!
It only hurts that I want a dad not that I want him. It feels a lot like the pain when I was a child as I waited for him to come rescue me from that hellhole his sister abandoned me in and he never did.
I still wonder if they did make money off of me. There should be some way for me to find out if they got money from the Gov over what was done to me.
Edited by kidneythis (06/18/10 06:40 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.